Brian
Hold on, is it 1897? Is your name H.G. Wells? If it's not then maybe you should ask yourself why you have already handicapped your team by stocking a bunch of invisible men - get it, get it? Jones-Drew is a no-show which doesn't bode well for you. And Roddy doesn't look like he can keep up with the Jones'. My advice for you is to draft good players instead of bad ones - but for my sake - do it after the first round.
Dennis
You are like the well-loved but undeserving nephew of a kindly old patriarch who has left you all of his vast assets - in this case Derek bequeathing you fantasy football success. I understand it and won't judge - it's that whole hand-up not a hand-out philosophy to help those lesser fantasy football teams. Face it, Derek is your fantasy football United Way, but he puts good players in your little box at Halloween. With that in mind, feel free to pick up whatever 2008 fantasy football magazine you find behind the dumpster at Gas Plus.
What's in store for team rickety this year? Oh wait, Matthews is already nipples up and the season hasn't even taken its first shaky steps. Not like Johnson is any more of a sure thing - both of these players are the athletic equivalent of Jenga. Normally, you could go in drafting the best possible players (or random players like Dennis and me), but I'd say it's a safe bet you'll need a running back early and often. Otherwise, do as Spiderman commands.
Wayne
Wayne's reward for finally crawling out of the doghouse is entering the 2012 season with his starting pick being juggled between Matt Cassel, Jonathan Stewart and Greg Little - not exactly top-shelf stuff to start the year, but that's what you get when you sell the farm. Trust me, I've been down that dark road, where the only thing you have to do during the first 10 rounds of the fantasy draft is summon a boner with your mind. So my advice, summon away, but near Larry, not me.
Paul
Being one of the few players who just has regular everyday picks, what advice can I possibly give? Some players have a million picks to waste in the first five rounds and others, like Wayne above, have none. Your team is Middle Earth - which means...well your team is middling and your picks are middling and I don't really have a witty Hobbit-like metaphor because I never read the books. I did cool things in my youth like see how many times I could Skip-it instead of reading, which has serfed me wheel in lifes.
We are tight-end brothers and I'm not afraid to say it privately. I'd be a little worried now that Forte got his payday because his forte might become shaping little men out of squeeze cheese and eating them. Add to that the fact that Vick already had his teary comeback two-years past and his production this year will probably be weaker than a pitbull after a headlock (for my part, I prefer DDT's over headlocks). Still, you always find a way and I made this picture celebrating your fantasy success, so who I am to deny you this magical chart.
Derek
Tapp is the most dangerous game when it comes to fantasy football - in that you have a knack for making the right selection - the right rookie who will turn out, or barring the draft, the right free agent who will turn into a top-ten player. I'm not sure which dark gods you pray to, but they appear to be the right ones. Who am I to give you advice, you should be selling us advice - maybe even on TV.
Given, Brees is an upgrade, but the rest of your keepers are like some kind of knock-off version of a real fantasy football team. Despite Peterson's pedigree, I don't see him coming back as successfully as previous years and Wallace is just okay - like a handjob from a disinterested hooker - he's still good, but deep down you know it could be better. It's doesn't help that you're going to the Wayne school of drafting, where your first pick will be Musa Smith because he'll be that's left - unless I draft him in the first round.
Larry
Whenever I think of Peyton Manning's neck injury, this video clip comes to mind. And while Manning probably fared better than that poor fellow, he's really just one hit away from looking like a shambling corpse from some horror movie. Not like McFadden is any less fragile, he's one hit away from looking like a FedEx delivered TV. I like Fitzgerald, I really do. I would have him over for hamburgers and would probably take care of his cat if he went on vacation, but there's no denying that a wide receiver makes no sound if he doesn't have a good quarterback in the forest - or something. Good thing you have lots of early picks - use them to draft better guys than you currently have.
