Dear Mr. Fantasy – Season-end report
Man what a shitshow - this season will forever be remembered as RIP running backs. This year was less a contest of luck and skill, and more a grueling show of determination as in who could eke out the most points out of a meager pool of free agents in a 12-team league. It'll be fun next year to see the laundry list of injured marquee players we all drafted with our hopes held high. Anyway, that's enough hot air out of my prune shoot, let's see how we fared.
Gotham Batmen
If there's one team I'm glad didn't make the playoffs, it's Larry's because I don't like him much, but yours would be a close second. Not because I don't like you (I don't even know you) but because your team in the last few weeks was scary good. Most of that falls to Russell Wilson and his 16 touchdowns in the last four weeks. I mean the rest of your team was okay, but Wilson's 50-70 points per week is a hard thing to contend with; good thing we don't have to.
The Lonesome Kicker
As predicted, Ian's team performed well. Part of that can be attributed to the fact his top players didn't get injured like everybody else's, and he found enough depth in free agency. Barring some great Jenga-misplaying level of collapse, I'll make the super risky call that he takes it all this year.
Manning Face
Booyaka. Bryan's team did end up in the middle of the pack. Thanks to Luck's squirrely organs, you had to scramble for a backup and didn't really get what you paid for in your QB. It was less Luck's under-performing and more your over-paying for him and being stuck with an average cast that was really your downfall this year. Lesson learned: never love anyone ever. Or something.
The Chefs
Derek's team fell victim to the great RB wipeout of 2015 and never really recovered. After Hyde had one good game and then died, your team fell into a tailspin of 1-4. By the time you found your footing with backup RBs, it was a pretty steep climb back into the standings. Some ugly girls can't dance. Or something.
Auto-pick awesomeness
As predicted angry Brady was a boon to your squad. But you also had the kyptonite version of Eddie Lacy this year who was softer than a baby goose's feather gently landing on a crate of freshly unpacked Charmin. Your receivers (and Philly in general) was committed to full suckage which left your squad in the no man's land of almost .500 but not really. Maybe you can pull it out next year - get it? A dentist joke! Or something.
Dirty D
Well here's the I can be wrong award of the year. Another team with a kind of shaky start that erupted into a scary squad. If there's one group who can give Ian trouble, it's yours. Fortunately I don't have to play you in the playoffs because it's a pretty sure bet I'd lose. The only caveat there is that Ian's best players have great matchups this weekend and yours don't, but that's why we play the game.
Gone in 30 minutes
The injury bug butt-fucked you and didn't have the courtesy to give you a pillow to bite on. Not much to say here, a good team in theory, but one that hit a pretty hard injury wall. Some people luck out picking up guys in free agency, but your replacements didn't do much replacing. There's an obscure Keanu Reeves joke in here about that football movie with Gene Hackman, but maybe it's just funnier explaining where I'd headed with this joke and then I just trail off like this...
InstantFace (Russell Wilson's Bird)
Arguably your team was alright, but man you got walloped at the beginning of the season facing some of the highest scoring teams. An 0-4 start pretty much killed any momentum, and Rothlisberger (RIP and revival) and Forsett's (before he died) inconsistency didn't help matters. Though it didn't help your record, every player you picked up that we dropped seemed to do better. I guess there's consolation in being the rescue foundation for lost fantasy players.
Ngata Chance
Another kinda wrong pick, but in my defense, Lindsay's team is barely recognizable now from the start of the season. His is the spirit animal of this year - what you can't draft, you make with desperate hustle or blind luck in the free agent pool. If Cam Newton continues being dominate through the air like weeks of past, then it's a safe bet I'll eat a loss this weekend. If not, then it's a bit more even. Likely you'll top my team and end up a solid number two this year.
The North
Speaking of solid number twos, Larry's team was predictably a ziplock bag of shit, i.e, it was transparently shit from first view, and upon being opened during the season, proved to be as smelly as predicted. This would be the I was right award in that Manning was thoroughly mediocre until he injured himself shrugging or grimacing or putting on his face mask thingy wrong or really all three and the Eagles have been a disaster this year, even if they're kinda still in the playoff hunt thanks to the hapless NFC East.
Brady’s Helm of Deflation
Shane has the worst team of the year as we all assumed he would. If there's a saving grace, you were barely the worst team of the year, but that's like barely being the most retarded kid in school. Not a moral victory you want to shout to the heavens (especially because retards should be seen and not heard). Sorry if anybody knows any retards. Or something.
Ha Ha Clinton Dix
Fortunately for me, my wide receivers turned out better than expected. And then they died or were traded (and then died). That's because my running back Bell decided to show everyone the backwards knee maneuver. I kind of lucked out with Dion Lewis (for a while, until he also died - see a trend here). Like Lindsay, my team in no way resembles what I drafted, so I can't place my good fortunes on any kind of insight. It's more just pure anxiety I'm running on with a team held together by Popsicle sticks and delicious white classroom glue. As usual when I make the playoffs, I'll end up in third or fourth - it's like my jam now.
