Dear Mr. Fantasy – Season-end report
Man what a shitshow - this season will forever be remembered as RIP running backs. This year was less a contest of luck and skill, and more a grueling show of determination as in who could eke out the most points out of a meager pool of free agents in a 12-team league. It'll be fun next year to see the laundry list of injured marquee players we all drafted with our hopes held high. Anyway, that's enough hot air out of my prune shoot, let's see how we fared.
Gotham Batmen
If there's one team I'm glad didn't make the playoffs, it's Larry's because I don't like him much, but yours would be a close second. Not because I don't like you (I don't even know you) but because your team in the last few weeks was scary good. Most of that falls to Russell Wilson and his 16 touchdowns in the last four weeks. I mean the rest of your team was okay, but Wilson's 50-70 points per week is a hard thing to contend with; good thing we don't have to.
The Lonesome Kicker
As predicted, Ian's team performed well. Part of that can be attributed to the fact his top players didn't get injured like everybody else's, and he found enough depth in free agency. Barring some great Jenga-misplaying level of collapse, I'll make the super risky call that he takes it all this year.
Manning Face
Booyaka. Bryan's team did end up in the middle of the pack. Thanks to Luck's squirrely organs, you had to scramble for a backup and didn't really get what you paid for in your QB. It was less Luck's under-performing and more your over-paying for him and being stuck with an average cast that was really your downfall this year. Lesson learned: never love anyone ever. Or something.
The Chefs
Derek's team fell victim to the great RB wipeout of 2015 and never really recovered. After Hyde had one good game and then died, your team fell into a tailspin of 1-4. By the time you found your footing with backup RBs, it was a pretty steep climb back into the standings. Some ugly girls can't dance. Or something.
Auto-pick awesomeness
As predicted angry Brady was a boon to your squad. But you also had the kyptonite version of Eddie Lacy this year who was softer than a baby goose's feather gently landing on a crate of freshly unpacked Charmin. Your receivers (and Philly in general) was committed to full suckage which left your squad in the no man's land of almost .500 but not really. Maybe you can pull it out next year - get it? A dentist joke! Or something.
Dirty D
Well here's the I can be wrong award of the year. Another team with a kind of shaky start that erupted into a scary squad. If there's one group who can give Ian trouble, it's yours. Fortunately I don't have to play you in the playoffs because it's a pretty sure bet I'd lose. The only caveat there is that Ian's best players have great matchups this weekend and yours don't, but that's why we play the game.
Gone in 30 minutes
The injury bug butt-fucked you and didn't have the courtesy to give you a pillow to bite on. Not much to say here, a good team in theory, but one that hit a pretty hard injury wall. Some people luck out picking up guys in free agency, but your replacements didn't do much replacing. There's an obscure Keanu Reeves joke in here about that football movie with Gene Hackman, but maybe it's just funnier explaining where I'd headed with this joke and then I just trail off like this...
InstantFace (Russell Wilson's Bird)
Arguably your team was alright, but man you got walloped at the beginning of the season facing some of the highest scoring teams. An 0-4 start pretty much killed any momentum, and Rothlisberger (RIP and revival) and Forsett's (before he died) inconsistency didn't help matters. Though it didn't help your record, every player you picked up that we dropped seemed to do better. I guess there's consolation in being the rescue foundation for lost fantasy players.
Ngata Chance
Another kinda wrong pick, but in my defense, Lindsay's team is barely recognizable now from the start of the season. His is the spirit animal of this year - what you can't draft, you make with desperate hustle or blind luck in the free agent pool. If Cam Newton continues being dominate through the air like weeks of past, then it's a safe bet I'll eat a loss this weekend. If not, then it's a bit more even. Likely you'll top my team and end up a solid number two this year.
The North
Speaking of solid number twos, Larry's team was predictably a ziplock bag of shit, i.e, it was transparently shit from first view, and upon being opened during the season, proved to be as smelly as predicted. This would be the I was right award in that Manning was thoroughly mediocre until he injured himself shrugging or grimacing or putting on his face mask thingy wrong or really all three and the Eagles have been a disaster this year, even if they're kinda still in the playoff hunt thanks to the hapless NFC East.
Brady’s Helm of Deflation
Shane has the worst team of the year as we all assumed he would. If there's a saving grace, you were barely the worst team of the year, but that's like barely being the most retarded kid in school. Not a moral victory you want to shout to the heavens (especially because retards should be seen and not heard). Sorry if anybody knows any retards. Or something.
Ha Ha Clinton Dix
Fortunately for me, my wide receivers turned out better than expected. And then they died or were traded (and then died). That's because my running back Bell decided to show everyone the backwards knee maneuver. I kind of lucked out with Dion Lewis (for a while, until he also died - see a trend here). Like Lindsay, my team in no way resembles what I drafted, so I can't place my good fortunes on any kind of insight. It's more just pure anxiety I'm running on with a team held together by Popsicle sticks and delicious white classroom glue. As usual when I make the playoffs, I'll end up in third or fourth - it's like my jam now.
Tuesday, December 15, 2015
Thursday, September 10, 2015
2015 Pre-Season Report
Dear Mr. Fantasy – Pre-season report
Asides from my quarterly pubic hair sculpting sessions, for me, this is the most exciting time of the year. Especially during pre-season, when we’re all bright-eyed for our fantasy futures (except Shane...sorry).
We’re like new students filled with vigour and enthusiasm. We naively believe the world is good and fair. And like the broken husks we’ve become in adulthood, for most of us, our fresh-faced fantasy teams will turn out looking like Lance Armstrong’s lazily shaven gouch – battered, flaky, shameful and probably missing something. By the lightning bolts etched above my crotch, I wish you all the best of luck (except Shane...sorry).
Gotham Batmen
I don’t think it would be unfair to say that your quarterbacks are likely to run for more yards than your running backs this year; don’t misunderstand me, it’s not that I think they’re that good; it’s that I think your RBs are that bad. And with a middling crew of WRs, let’s squarely say that your team will end up somewhere ahead of Shane’s shame, but not much higher. Hopefully you can use those imaginary draft bucks to drown your sorrows.
The Lonesome Kicker
It’s a testament to our shared futility that we let Ian essentially draft the number one position for RB, QB, WR and perhaps TE. Maybe the secret to draft success is not soaking in our collective stupidity on Ryan’s deck. Arguably, your team isn’t the deepest bunch, but you have a good core of likely top-five players. So cross your fingers they don’t get hurt or hit any children with trees like some goddamn weird southern Incredible Hulk and we might be seeing you come playoff time.
Manning Face
Bryan’s got a hard bunch to judge – by all accounts they are super average. Luck’s a clear number one, but the rest of the crew could fall anywhere between top 10 player and out of the top 30. I’ve consulted my imaginary-for-this-joke tarot cards and they fictionally tell me that your team’s gonna win some and lose some – about what you’d expect for this even-Steven bunch. Let’s stick with theme then and say you’ll end up in the middle of the pack.
The Chefs
Derek’s draft was alright, if not a bit better than average. But, like in past years, your trading prowess is what really gets your team to compete. In this case, the combined incompetence of Lindsay and Dennis has been to your benefit. Asides from a somewhat suspect group of RBs that could either be totally boom or bust, you have a streaky QB who puts up a lot of fantasy points and one of the best set of starting WRs. If one of those running backs turns out, then we’ll be seeing you in the top six teams – with maybe a sniff at the post-season.
Auto-pick awesomeness
I don’t know who Tom Brady had to OTPHJ (that’s Over the Pants Handjob for those of us in the know) to get that judgement, but it immediately rewards Archie’s lineup. That said, if Bradford can both stay healthy and not be terrible, he might actually have the better year – as least theoretically – I’m kind of hoping Philly implodes because it would be amazingly entertaining. You’re carrying a solid crew – like a Bryan’s team but slightly better in every aspect. You’ll win some and lose some, but probably take a couple of close ones to sneak into the top six.
Dirty D
As with every year we do these drafts, there’s always some foolishness that invades our mental space – and we invariably get hyped on someone we should really be looking at more soberly. Case in point, Eli Manning. Does he have some decent WRs – sure. Is he Eli Manning – also sure. The former point does not change the latter. Add that to your starting RB who’s Forte is getting older and slower and we’re talking a probably 7-10 spot. Your saving grace is Thomas and Johnson, but even I’m not as high on them this year – I think they’re likely to see lower career totals – it’s not their fault though – I just don’t trust their quarterbacks.
Gone in 30 minutes
Clearly there were winners (except Shane...sorry) and losers in our first inaugural auction draft. We can firmly put Ryan in the winners camp since, like a greedy office mate who only eats the square caramels out of the box of chocolates, he picked the best and left us with the repulsive candied cherries. Like Ian, Ryan is sporting a probable top five group of starters in Romo, Lynch and Brown. I’d venture to say that Ryan might be a lock as a top three considering his depth is slightly better with Cobb and Harvin. Plus, if Colemand heats up (get it...get it?) this team might be rolling.
InstantFace
Paul and I probably had the same draft strategy, but he executed his better – which isn’t hard when I’m picking up $1 players. Except for maybe Heath Miller who unfortunately doesn’t get points for being a great blocker, the rest of this team is as solid as a post-camping dump. If Ben can stay healthy, he has the tools to produce and Forsett and Anderson are fantastic PPR running backs. Thanks to Larry’s homer-isms, Paul also got an upgrade at WR with Hilton who frankly has somebody who can throw him the ball, unlike Sanders. Depth’s a concern, but that’s a given in a 12 team league. A top four spot is probable if Paul’s luck holds out.
Ngata Chance
Linday’s somewhat fortunate that Derek took pity on him, and at least made this season salvageable after a disastrous auction draft. That’s not to say that Allen or Bryant are going to light the world on fire, but at least this team has some WRs now. Will it be enough? That’s a different question and the answer is no. Brees is always a fashionable pick, but he hasn’t been the same world-beater of years past – and an aging Colston and lack of Graham is not going to make him better. Charles is always great, but Martin’s only made good on one year. And with the aforementioned average at best WRs, we’re looking at a long year that lands somewhere in the bottom half of the league.
The North
If this were say bizarro world, where we awarded more points to the backups of actual players, then perhaps Larry’s team would have a fighting chance. The fact he’s start two eagles at running back this week should tell you something of this team’s impending woes. And that’s not even touching on the all-too-clear hitching of the proverbial wagon to the Broncos offensive performance. Five guys? Jesus man, my day old Olive Garden spaghetti is firmer than Peyton Manning’s follow-through. You’re one good hit from watching ol’ Squinty McRubber Arm get powerfucked into retirement. I’ll give you kudos for trying something novel, but it’s probably gonna put you in the bottom half for this year.
Brady’s Helm of Deflation
The real fault of Shane’s draft does not lie with him explicitly. Instead, Shane’s real mistake was assuming that our collective hearts are not filled with inmost unrepentant darkness. We are a dastardly bunch who aren’t afraid to leg-drop a guy (or my favourite: Razor’s Edge) a guy when he’s down. With that said, I see Shane is starting his injured draftees, so many he’s turning his team into some kind of art installation this year. Perhaps he’s turning a mirror back on us, to show us the misery we’ve inflicted on his poor soul. I hope that’s what he’s doing – Shane is painting a tapestry of fantasy futility and his medium is Jordy Nelson. You could lose every game this year – but probably won’t – probably against me, knowing my luck and lacklustre team.
Ha Ha Clinton Dix
What I do have is probably a top 10 QB and RB. What I don’t have is everything else. Asides from drafting the eminent Morgan Spurlock from Supersize Me fame (and only for a dollar to boot), I didn’t do a whole heck of a lot with my WRs. Fortunately, I drafted a bunch of the same receivers, so at least they’re consistent in their average-ness. My fortune’s are mostly running on Bell (when he plays) and Ryan. Beyond that, I theoretically have guys who catch a lot in Bernard, Spiller and Ellington – but we’ll see if they actually play a lot. My lack of picks at the end didn’t really hurt me, but my lack of getting a top 10 WR did – unless I unearth one miraculously in free agency, I’m destined for middle to lower in the pack.
Asides from my quarterly pubic hair sculpting sessions, for me, this is the most exciting time of the year. Especially during pre-season, when we’re all bright-eyed for our fantasy futures (except Shane...sorry).
We’re like new students filled with vigour and enthusiasm. We naively believe the world is good and fair. And like the broken husks we’ve become in adulthood, for most of us, our fresh-faced fantasy teams will turn out looking like Lance Armstrong’s lazily shaven gouch – battered, flaky, shameful and probably missing something. By the lightning bolts etched above my crotch, I wish you all the best of luck (except Shane...sorry).
Gotham Batmen
I don’t think it would be unfair to say that your quarterbacks are likely to run for more yards than your running backs this year; don’t misunderstand me, it’s not that I think they’re that good; it’s that I think your RBs are that bad. And with a middling crew of WRs, let’s squarely say that your team will end up somewhere ahead of Shane’s shame, but not much higher. Hopefully you can use those imaginary draft bucks to drown your sorrows.
The Lonesome Kicker
It’s a testament to our shared futility that we let Ian essentially draft the number one position for RB, QB, WR and perhaps TE. Maybe the secret to draft success is not soaking in our collective stupidity on Ryan’s deck. Arguably, your team isn’t the deepest bunch, but you have a good core of likely top-five players. So cross your fingers they don’t get hurt or hit any children with trees like some goddamn weird southern Incredible Hulk and we might be seeing you come playoff time.
Manning Face
Bryan’s got a hard bunch to judge – by all accounts they are super average. Luck’s a clear number one, but the rest of the crew could fall anywhere between top 10 player and out of the top 30. I’ve consulted my imaginary-for-this-joke tarot cards and they fictionally tell me that your team’s gonna win some and lose some – about what you’d expect for this even-Steven bunch. Let’s stick with theme then and say you’ll end up in the middle of the pack.
The Chefs
Derek’s draft was alright, if not a bit better than average. But, like in past years, your trading prowess is what really gets your team to compete. In this case, the combined incompetence of Lindsay and Dennis has been to your benefit. Asides from a somewhat suspect group of RBs that could either be totally boom or bust, you have a streaky QB who puts up a lot of fantasy points and one of the best set of starting WRs. If one of those running backs turns out, then we’ll be seeing you in the top six teams – with maybe a sniff at the post-season.
Auto-pick awesomeness
I don’t know who Tom Brady had to OTPHJ (that’s Over the Pants Handjob for those of us in the know) to get that judgement, but it immediately rewards Archie’s lineup. That said, if Bradford can both stay healthy and not be terrible, he might actually have the better year – as least theoretically – I’m kind of hoping Philly implodes because it would be amazingly entertaining. You’re carrying a solid crew – like a Bryan’s team but slightly better in every aspect. You’ll win some and lose some, but probably take a couple of close ones to sneak into the top six.
Dirty D
As with every year we do these drafts, there’s always some foolishness that invades our mental space – and we invariably get hyped on someone we should really be looking at more soberly. Case in point, Eli Manning. Does he have some decent WRs – sure. Is he Eli Manning – also sure. The former point does not change the latter. Add that to your starting RB who’s Forte is getting older and slower and we’re talking a probably 7-10 spot. Your saving grace is Thomas and Johnson, but even I’m not as high on them this year – I think they’re likely to see lower career totals – it’s not their fault though – I just don’t trust their quarterbacks.
Gone in 30 minutes
Clearly there were winners (except Shane...sorry) and losers in our first inaugural auction draft. We can firmly put Ryan in the winners camp since, like a greedy office mate who only eats the square caramels out of the box of chocolates, he picked the best and left us with the repulsive candied cherries. Like Ian, Ryan is sporting a probable top five group of starters in Romo, Lynch and Brown. I’d venture to say that Ryan might be a lock as a top three considering his depth is slightly better with Cobb and Harvin. Plus, if Colemand heats up (get it...get it?) this team might be rolling.
InstantFace
Paul and I probably had the same draft strategy, but he executed his better – which isn’t hard when I’m picking up $1 players. Except for maybe Heath Miller who unfortunately doesn’t get points for being a great blocker, the rest of this team is as solid as a post-camping dump. If Ben can stay healthy, he has the tools to produce and Forsett and Anderson are fantastic PPR running backs. Thanks to Larry’s homer-isms, Paul also got an upgrade at WR with Hilton who frankly has somebody who can throw him the ball, unlike Sanders. Depth’s a concern, but that’s a given in a 12 team league. A top four spot is probable if Paul’s luck holds out.
Ngata Chance
Linday’s somewhat fortunate that Derek took pity on him, and at least made this season salvageable after a disastrous auction draft. That’s not to say that Allen or Bryant are going to light the world on fire, but at least this team has some WRs now. Will it be enough? That’s a different question and the answer is no. Brees is always a fashionable pick, but he hasn’t been the same world-beater of years past – and an aging Colston and lack of Graham is not going to make him better. Charles is always great, but Martin’s only made good on one year. And with the aforementioned average at best WRs, we’re looking at a long year that lands somewhere in the bottom half of the league.
The North
If this were say bizarro world, where we awarded more points to the backups of actual players, then perhaps Larry’s team would have a fighting chance. The fact he’s start two eagles at running back this week should tell you something of this team’s impending woes. And that’s not even touching on the all-too-clear hitching of the proverbial wagon to the Broncos offensive performance. Five guys? Jesus man, my day old Olive Garden spaghetti is firmer than Peyton Manning’s follow-through. You’re one good hit from watching ol’ Squinty McRubber Arm get powerfucked into retirement. I’ll give you kudos for trying something novel, but it’s probably gonna put you in the bottom half for this year.
Brady’s Helm of Deflation
The real fault of Shane’s draft does not lie with him explicitly. Instead, Shane’s real mistake was assuming that our collective hearts are not filled with inmost unrepentant darkness. We are a dastardly bunch who aren’t afraid to leg-drop a guy (or my favourite: Razor’s Edge) a guy when he’s down. With that said, I see Shane is starting his injured draftees, so many he’s turning his team into some kind of art installation this year. Perhaps he’s turning a mirror back on us, to show us the misery we’ve inflicted on his poor soul. I hope that’s what he’s doing – Shane is painting a tapestry of fantasy futility and his medium is Jordy Nelson. You could lose every game this year – but probably won’t – probably against me, knowing my luck and lacklustre team.
Ha Ha Clinton Dix
What I do have is probably a top 10 QB and RB. What I don’t have is everything else. Asides from drafting the eminent Morgan Spurlock from Supersize Me fame (and only for a dollar to boot), I didn’t do a whole heck of a lot with my WRs. Fortunately, I drafted a bunch of the same receivers, so at least they’re consistent in their average-ness. My fortune’s are mostly running on Bell (when he plays) and Ryan. Beyond that, I theoretically have guys who catch a lot in Bernard, Spiller and Ellington – but we’ll see if they actually play a lot. My lack of picks at the end didn’t really hurt me, but my lack of getting a top 10 WR did – unless I unearth one miraculously in free agency, I’m destined for middle to lower in the pack.
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