2015 Pre-Season Report

Dear Mr. Fantasy – Pre-season report

Asides from my quarterly pubic hair sculpting sessions, for me, this is the most exciting time of the year. Especially during pre-season, when we’re all bright-eyed for our fantasy futures (except Shane...sorry).
We’re like new students filled with vigour and enthusiasm. We naively believe the world is good and fair. And like the broken husks we’ve become in adulthood, for most of us, our fresh-faced fantasy teams will turn out looking like Lance Armstrong’s lazily shaven gouch – battered, flaky, shameful and probably missing something. By the lightning bolts etched above my crotch, I wish you all the best of luck (except Shane...sorry).

Gotham Batmen
I don’t think it would be unfair to say that your quarterbacks are likely to run for more yards than your running backs this year; don’t misunderstand me, it’s not that I think they’re that good; it’s that I think your RBs are that bad. And with a middling crew of WRs, let’s squarely say that your team will end up somewhere ahead of Shane’s shame, but not much higher. Hopefully you can use those imaginary draft bucks to drown your sorrows.

The Lonesome Kicker
It’s a testament to our shared futility that we let Ian essentially draft the number one position for RB, QB, WR and perhaps TE. Maybe the secret to draft success is not soaking in our collective stupidity on Ryan’s deck. Arguably, your team isn’t the deepest bunch, but you have a good core of likely top-five players. So cross your fingers they don’t get hurt or hit any children with trees like some goddamn weird southern Incredible Hulk and we might be seeing you come playoff time.

Manning Face
Bryan’s got a hard bunch to judge – by all accounts they are super average. Luck’s a clear number one, but the rest of the crew could fall anywhere between top 10 player and out of the top 30. I’ve consulted my imaginary-for-this-joke tarot cards and they fictionally tell me that your team’s gonna win some and lose some – about what you’d expect for this even-Steven bunch. Let’s stick with theme then and say you’ll end up in the middle of the pack.

The Chefs
Derek’s draft was alright, if not a bit better than average. But, like in past years, your trading prowess is what really gets your team to compete. In this case, the combined incompetence of Lindsay and Dennis has been to your benefit. Asides from a somewhat suspect group of RBs that could either be totally boom or bust, you have a streaky QB who puts up a lot of fantasy points and one of the best set of starting WRs. If one of those running backs turns out, then we’ll be seeing you in the top six teams – with maybe a sniff at the post-season.

Auto-pick awesomeness
I don’t know who Tom Brady had  to OTPHJ (that’s Over the Pants Handjob for those of us in the know) to get that judgement, but it immediately rewards Archie’s lineup. That said, if Bradford can both stay healthy and not be terrible, he might actually have the better year – as least theoretically – I’m kind of hoping Philly implodes because it would be amazingly entertaining. You’re carrying a solid crew – like a Bryan’s team but slightly better in every aspect. You’ll win some and lose some, but probably take a couple of close ones to sneak into the top six.

Dirty D
As with every year we do these drafts, there’s always some foolishness that invades our mental space – and we invariably get hyped on someone we should really be looking at more soberly. Case in point, Eli Manning. Does he have some decent WRs – sure. Is he Eli Manning – also sure. The former point does not change the latter. Add that to your starting RB who’s Forte is getting older and slower and we’re talking a probably 7-10 spot. Your saving grace is Thomas and Johnson, but even I’m not as high on them this year – I think they’re likely to see lower career totals – it’s not their fault though – I just don’t trust their quarterbacks.

Gone in 30 minutes
Clearly there were winners (except Shane...sorry) and losers in our first inaugural auction draft. We can firmly put Ryan in the winners camp since, like a greedy office mate who only eats the square caramels out of the box of chocolates, he picked the best and left us with the repulsive candied cherries. Like Ian, Ryan is sporting a probable top five group of starters in Romo, Lynch and Brown. I’d venture to say that Ryan might be a lock as a top three considering his depth is slightly better with Cobb and Harvin. Plus, if Colemand heats up (get it...get it?) this team might be rolling.

InstantFace
Paul and I probably had the same draft strategy, but he executed his better – which isn’t hard when I’m picking up $1 players. Except for maybe Heath Miller who unfortunately doesn’t get points for being a great blocker, the rest of this team is as solid as a post-camping dump. If Ben can stay healthy, he has the tools to produce and Forsett and Anderson are fantastic PPR running backs. Thanks to Larry’s homer-isms, Paul also got an upgrade at WR with Hilton who frankly has somebody who can throw him the ball, unlike Sanders. Depth’s a concern, but that’s a given in a 12 team league. A top four spot is probable if Paul’s luck holds out.

Ngata Chance
Linday’s somewhat fortunate that Derek took pity on him, and at least made this season salvageable after a disastrous auction draft. That’s not to say that Allen or Bryant are going to light the world on fire, but at least this team has some WRs now. Will it be enough? That’s a different question and the answer is no. Brees is always a fashionable pick, but he hasn’t been the same world-beater of years past – and an aging Colston and lack of Graham is not going to make him better. Charles is always great, but Martin’s only made good on one year. And with the aforementioned average at best WRs, we’re looking at a long year that lands somewhere in the bottom half of the league.

The North
If this were say bizarro world, where we awarded more points to the backups of actual players, then perhaps Larry’s team would have a fighting chance. The fact he’s start two eagles at running back this week should tell you something of this team’s impending woes. And that’s not even touching on the all-too-clear hitching of the proverbial wagon to the Broncos offensive performance. Five guys? Jesus man, my day old Olive Garden spaghetti is firmer than Peyton Manning’s follow-through. You’re one good hit from watching ol’ Squinty McRubber Arm get powerfucked into retirement. I’ll give you kudos for trying something novel, but it’s probably gonna put you in the bottom half for this year.

Brady’s Helm of Deflation
The real fault of Shane’s draft does not lie with him explicitly. Instead, Shane’s real mistake was assuming that our collective hearts are not filled with inmost unrepentant darkness. We are a dastardly bunch who aren’t afraid to leg-drop a guy (or my favourite: Razor’s Edge) a guy when he’s down. With that said, I see Shane is starting his injured draftees, so many he’s turning his team into some kind of art installation this year. Perhaps he’s turning a mirror back on us, to show us the misery we’ve inflicted on his poor soul. I hope that’s what he’s doing – Shane is painting a tapestry of fantasy futility and his medium is Jordy Nelson. You could lose every game this year – but probably won’t – probably against me, knowing my luck and lacklustre team.

Ha Ha Clinton Dix
What I do have is probably a top 10 QB and RB. What I don’t have is everything else. Asides from drafting the eminent Morgan Spurlock from Supersize Me fame (and only for a dollar to boot), I didn’t do a whole heck of a lot with my WRs. Fortunately, I drafted a bunch of the same receivers, so at least they’re consistent in their average-ness. My fortune’s are mostly running on Bell (when he plays) and Ryan. Beyond that, I theoretically have guys who catch a lot in Bernard, Spiller and Ellington – but we’ll see if they actually play a lot. My lack of picks at the end didn’t really hurt me, but my lack of getting a top 10 WR did – unless I unearth one miraculously in free agency, I’m destined for middle to lower in the pack.