Fantasy Funzies Week Three Picks

The Chefs vs. Dirty D

Though Derek let me down last week, I’m not ready to pen my hurt-feelings intervention letter just yet – especially since he still put up decent points against the mirage that is Lindsay’s team. Fortunately, Dennis’ team can’t conjure the same kind of magic out of Grossman and Blount, who actually play defenses this week – with real men instead of orange cylinders. Add to that misfortune the fact that Dennis is sporting two men named Donald on his team and we’re talking complete Donald meltdown here – with Nicks playing lucky Hakeem in the middle. This year is shaping up to be a quarterback’s year and Derek roundhouse kicks Dennis because he has two of the best of them.

Reckoner vs. The North

When you are rocking Kyle Orton and Tavaris Jackson, you’ll be lucky to be “north” of 200 points this week – and that’s only if McFadden can maintain the magic against a pretty formidable defense which has proven to be a fantasy black hole so far. In regard to my slagging Orton, and Larry’s hurtful comments about my beloved running back – I offer this witty retort. But, back to the task at hand...Sanchez has the suspect Raiders. Kolb gets the atrocious Seahawks, who are so bad that when I see them on TV I make the same face I make when I walk into a bathroom and experience the humid froth of some stranger’s smelly dump. Just based on those two matchups alone, my money’s on Lindsay this week (by money, I mean absolutely no actual money).

The Lonesome Kicker vs. PDC

One of these teams is a work of beauty – cobbled together from dreams and the meows of small kittens. The other team is a Frankenstein of failed fantasy football decisions driven by a mad, desperate man driven into the depths of the waiver wire. These teams couldn’t be any more different, but in playing, I think we’re going to see the closest score of the week. I fully expect, and depend and make pleas to my dark master with blood oaths, for New England and Buffalo to enter a shoot-out this week. I also expect, and this pretty much sets the tone for the year, that any team playing Peyton-less Indy will have more fun than a lemon party. On the other hand, I also expect Schaub to be shooting with both barrels, and for San Francisco to be consistently terrible. Ian proverbially throws the football in Ryan's face this week..

Bare Cupboards vs. Banana Grabber

I’m rocking a new-look team – with one starter murdered by a mascot and the other jettisoned off to Lindsay’s fantasy funhouse. In case you hadn’t noticed, my week can be pretty much summed up like this: I need New England and Buffalo to score points – lots of them. Bryan, on the other hand, has a pretty solid menagerie of matchups – maybe asides from Romo who might break in half if hit – with Ryan, Jones-Drew and Marshall all facing defenseless defenses. Here’s how I imagine this will play out: I’ll start strong, see Bryan’s defence, start running laterally and just when I think I’m gonna make it and win this week, my knee goes all bendy and I fall weeping into the arms of a furry, giving Bryan a W.

Urban Achiever vs. Downs Burn

Well Wayne lost last week, and the world didn’t end. I checked the news and it seems that some kind of beluga whale-type thing saved us at the 11th hour. So if this whole world-ending is the wrong theory, maybe a better one is that we live in bizarro-world, where Wayne’s team doesn’t look like a limp dick. It fact, Wayne’s team kind of has the air of a raging hard-on, and Cam Newton is the rippling purple veins (let’s see ESPN use that metaphor!). Though Newton is awfully mistake-prone, he runs and throws enough to fulfill a Michael Vick-lite role. And while, I like Paul’s team – I don’t think he’ll reach the climax Wayne will. Paul’s players are looking at some pretty stiff matchups and probably won’t see as many balls. Shoot, after a good pounding, I think this is the week Wayne’s team goes off, firing out a hot win.

Fantasy Funzies Week Two Picks

Lonesome Kicker vs. Bare Cupboards

Like a beautiful falling star or two rabbits face-fucking, Tom Brady is pretty much assured to have one of those games where he supernovas into some kind of fantasy football orgasm - too bad for me though he did it in week one - and now, like a spent teenager all huffed-out after two minutes of backseat sex, the rest of season will be some kind of uncomfortable sleep. Then again, Ian's not exactly rocking all sure-things: Buffalo looked good in week one, but they always look good in week one - let's see how that plays out the rest of the year. And Tim Hightower looked okay, but I'm betting he runs as fast as Police Academy Hightower this week against his old team. It'll be close, but I say Ian squeaks by because the NFL prognosticators have Vernon Davis getting 28 points against Dallas - ha ha ha - we'll see how that works out.

The Chefs vs. Reckoner

One week you're losing arm wrestling competitions to the special education kids in the basement of the high school, the next week, you're the greatest thing since cars made out of meat. I don't think it's a stretch to say I take umbrage with the NFL points system - because Kevin Kolb couldn't score 42 points one of those rickety football machines you find at the back of the arcade. Also, maybe it's a trend, but tight ends apparently are no longer men, but some kind of Galactus-like world eaters in our fantasy league - 47 points for Antonio Gates against New England? If I was Lindsay (and I'm not), I would almost make a bet to eat my underwear if Gates gets that many points this week. As for Derek, I don't need to say anything because he'll win.

Banana Grabbers vs. Urban Achiever

I don't like Matt Ryan. I don't know why exactly - maybe it's his stupid face. Bryan does though - and that's too bad because that stupid face is going to make a whole bunch of stupid face looks when it throws pretty stupid interceptions this week. Though he's favoured, I don't like a lot of Bryan's matchups - most of those games have the faint nose-burning aroma of low-scoring games (if you're wondering, the aroma is a lot like clove cigarettes and unwashed hipsters - real hipsters Lindsay - not people who listen to music made after 1998). As for Paul, I see good things for Peyton Hillis against a bad Colts defense, and to make up for being down on Chris Johnson last week, I'll say that he gets more than 16 points this week. Add to that a probable bounce-back from Eli and I'm calling this a Paul upset.

Dirty D vs. PDC

So I complain to Ryan that he has too many Texans - the logical thing of course is that he picks up another Texan on the waiver wire. Why not? We all know you're doing it - don't wuss out Ryan by going half-way. Next year, I say draft all Texans. At least you'll get four wins that way - Sorry Wayne and Dennis. This one comes down to, sigh, which Texan running back plays. If Foster is healthy, then Dennis will handle Ryan like a 100-pound catholic schoolgirl with pigtails. If it's Ben Tate playing the role of Ben Dover, then Ryan has a shot because the rest of Dennis' team pretty much plays ugly wingman to Aaron Rodgers. Looking into my crystal ball, I'm gonna say Foster plays enough to compensate for Grossman remembering who he really is in week two - Dennis limps by Ryan.

The North vs. The Downs Burns

I like Wayne's team this week, but if I go with him and he wins two weeks in a row, then it surely means the apocalypse is upon us. Believing the crazy guy that hands me comic pamphlets downtown is right is not something I'm open to right now. Then again, even Wayne's mediocre players have pretty bad defenses and who knows how healthy McFadden will be (see what did I say about having Raiders on your team?). I guess I should just accept it - I mean living in perpetual war and having to deny the mark of the beast for seven years, only to eventually die as the world blows up can't be that bad - at least not as bad as having Kyle Orton on your fantasy football team. World ends, Wayne wins.

Fantasy Funzies Week One Picks

Like the ancient senior citizen that’s struggling to stand on the C-train as you sit comfortably in your seat avoiding eye contact, the fantasy football season is here!

And whether you want it to be or not, our long-running fantasy football league, like that poor old man who probably fought in some kind of significant war, and who makes you turn up your ipod and push his coop bag away slightly with your foot – it’s a long year of delightfully painful, awkward moments full of luck, injustice, and most of all, mental and moral lapses.

I’m going to celebrate our new season with this edu-tainment-ary blog – which took ten whole minutes to build and no brainpower whatsoever.

Instead of meaningless power rankings, I’m going with meaningless match-ups this year!

Lonesome Kicker vs. Urban Achiever

If there’s one thing awesome about using a new site, it’s relishing in the credulity of its newfound points projections. More specifically, I’m not sure what dollar store glue the analysts on NFL were huffing, but Eli Manning putting up decent points (even against Washington) seems about as likely as Dez Bryant actually catching footballs instead of listening to the delightful pop they make when they bounce off his chest. Paul’s got a bit of a points lead based on these projections, but I’m thinking it will be a closer game – Chris Johnson’s extended Dunkin Donuts holiday makes me think he’s very likely to put up south of 50 points and I just don’t see either Rivers or Manning combining for over 80 points – so then what does it come down to – with me, as always, how terrible the Raiders are. If they are as bad as I think they are, then Moreno will put up better numbers, but if he lands somewhere close to NFL’s guesstimation, then we’re looking at a Paul victory.

Prohibition Demolition Commission vs. The Chefs

Ryan’s ill-found love for the Texans is really his downfall here – at some point, you’ve just got to let go man. Schaub is starting to look more like the Schwab year-to-year and it feels like Andre Johnson has been playing football since time immemorial – at some point, he’s going to really break down and you won’t be able to play piggy-back with him any longer. As for the rest of your crew – some advice – when I look in the mirror and wish for a time when I was younger or had more hair – this is like you drafting DeAngelo Williams – those good days are gone – it’s time to let the healing begin. As for Derek, I want to make fun, but I can’t because his team is kind of ridiculous this year – all my fantasy football senses say Derek cruises to a win this week – but who knows – the fantasy football gods have spited me before.

The Down’s Burn vs. Reckoner

I just want to put this out there – making light of people with down’s syndrome is not funny...unless it’s done when making fun of people in fantasy football – then it’s hilarious. It’s even funnier if you are making fun of someone with down syndrome who also is in your fantasy football league – like Wayne. That’s truly epic. Only one thing is funnier than that – drafting a worse team while being present at the draft than someone with down’s syndrome and then being projected to lose to the guy with down’s syndrome in week one – like Lindsay. What’s the old saying? What’s better than winning the Special Olympics? Not being retarded. Here’s my week one twist: What’s worse than being in the Special Olympics? Coming in second – Wayne squeaks one out

The North vs. Banana Grabbers

When it comes to Larry’s team, I think the NFL analysts are going the glass half-full route because I’m not as hopeful. Call me cynical, but I don’t see these players delivering the goods in 2011. Number one: Tony Gonzalez is like, no joke, fifty-eight. That makes him like eight-hundred in tight-end years. Remember the guy with the grail at the end of that last Indiana Jones movie that didn’t have sucky aliens in it – he looks better than Tony Gonzalez at this point. Also, relying on Braylon Edwards for anything other than petty assault and shoplifting seems like a gamble. And having a Raider on your team in 2011 is one Raider too many. They’re my team and I wouldn’t touch them with gloves on. That’s not to say that I think Bryan’s team is good – Jones-Drew is going to be seeing a lot of one kind of defence; one where eight dudes are stacked up to stop him from running – and Marshal and Ochocinco don’t exactly put the erect in my erection, but I think it’s enough this week – Bryan drinks the (hopefully not wrong one that turns him into a screaming skeleton) victory cup

Dirty D vs. Bare Cupboards

Only one team is projected worse than Lindsay’s this year – which of course means it must be Dennis’ team. But, I’m not buying the line on this match-up because Dennis has Aaron Rodgers, who could possibly steal him a win on his own. Really, this one comes down to Brady vs. Rodgers – and then incredibly mediocre wide-outs also do battle – Massaquoi vs. Thomas – lookout! I don’t like Blount this year because Tampa Bay running backs seem to only have a shelf life of one year (that's cocaine for you!) – but then again, Green-Ellis thrills me as much as people with hyphenated names possibly can. NFL says I should be favoured, but I can’t shake the feeling this is as much as a lie as the homeless guy who told me yesterday he needed money because he was from Brazil (a brilliant strategy that – lies that make no sense at all] – and like that homeless man and my hard unearned City dollars, I think I might be giving Dennis the win.