Like the ancient senior citizen that’s struggling to stand on the C-train as you sit comfortably in your seat avoiding eye contact, the fantasy football season is here!
And whether you want it to be or not, our long-running fantasy football league, like that poor old man who probably fought in some kind of significant war, and who makes you turn up your ipod and push his coop bag away slightly with your foot – it’s a long year of delightfully painful, awkward moments full of luck, injustice, and most of all, mental and moral lapses.
I’m going to celebrate our new season with this edu-tainment-ary blog – which took ten whole minutes to build and no brainpower whatsoever.
Instead of meaningless power rankings, I’m going with meaningless match-ups this year!
Lonesome Kicker vs. Urban Achiever
If there’s one thing awesome about using a new site, it’s relishing in the credulity of its newfound points projections. More specifically, I’m not sure what dollar store glue the analysts on NFL were huffing, but Eli Manning putting up decent points (even against Washington) seems about as likely as Dez Bryant actually catching footballs instead of listening to the delightful pop they make when they bounce off his chest. Paul’s got a bit of a points lead based on these projections, but I’m thinking it will be a closer game – Chris Johnson’s extended Dunkin Donuts holiday makes me think he’s very likely to put up south of 50 points and I just don’t see either Rivers or Manning combining for over 80 points – so then what does it come down to – with me, as always, how terrible the Raiders are. If they are as bad as I think they are, then Moreno will put up better numbers, but if he lands somewhere close to NFL’s guesstimation, then we’re looking at a Paul victory.
Prohibition Demolition Commission vs. The Chefs
Ryan’s ill-found love for the Texans is really his downfall here – at some point, you’ve just got to let go man. Schaub is starting to look more like the Schwab year-to-year and it feels like Andre Johnson has been playing football since time immemorial – at some point, he’s going to really break down and you won’t be able to play piggy-back with him any longer. As for the rest of your crew – some advice – when I look in the mirror and wish for a time when I was younger or had more hair – this is like you drafting DeAngelo Williams – those good days are gone – it’s time to let the healing begin. As for Derek, I want to make fun, but I can’t because his team is kind of ridiculous this year – all my fantasy football senses say Derek cruises to a win this week – but who knows – the fantasy football gods have spited me before.
The Down’s Burn vs. Reckoner
I just want to put this out there – making light of people with down’s syndrome is not funny...unless it’s done when making fun of people in fantasy football – then it’s hilarious. It’s even funnier if you are making fun of someone with down syndrome who also is in your fantasy football league – like Wayne. That’s truly epic. Only one thing is funnier than that – drafting a worse team while being present at the draft than someone with down’s syndrome and then being projected to lose to the guy with down’s syndrome in week one – like Lindsay. What’s the old saying? What’s better than winning the Special Olympics? Not being retarded. Here’s my week one twist: What’s worse than being in the Special Olympics? Coming in second – Wayne squeaks one out
The North vs. Banana Grabbers
When it comes to Larry’s team, I think the NFL analysts are going the glass half-full route because I’m not as hopeful. Call me cynical, but I don’t see these players delivering the goods in 2011. Number one: Tony Gonzalez is like, no joke, fifty-eight. That makes him like eight-hundred in tight-end years. Remember the guy with the grail at the end of that last Indiana Jones movie that didn’t have sucky aliens in it – he looks better than Tony Gonzalez at this point. Also, relying on Braylon Edwards for anything other than petty assault and shoplifting seems like a gamble. And having a Raider on your team in 2011 is one Raider too many. They’re my team and I wouldn’t touch them with gloves on. That’s not to say that I think Bryan’s team is good – Jones-Drew is going to be seeing a lot of one kind of defence; one where eight dudes are stacked up to stop him from running – and Marshal and Ochocinco don’t exactly put the erect in my erection, but I think it’s enough this week – Bryan drinks the (hopefully not wrong one that turns him into a screaming skeleton) victory cup
Dirty D vs. Bare Cupboards
Only one team is projected worse than Lindsay’s this year – which of course means it must be Dennis’ team. But, I’m not buying the line on this match-up because Dennis has Aaron Rodgers, who could possibly steal him a win on his own. Really, this one comes down to Brady vs. Rodgers – and then incredibly mediocre wide-outs also do battle – Massaquoi vs. Thomas – lookout! I don’t like Blount this year because Tampa Bay running backs seem to only have a shelf life of one year (that's cocaine for you!) – but then again, Green-Ellis thrills me as much as people with hyphenated names possibly can. NFL says I should be favoured, but I can’t shake the feeling this is as much as a lie as the homeless guy who told me yesterday he needed money because he was from Brazil (a brilliant strategy that – lies that make no sense at all] – and like that homeless man and my hard unearned City dollars, I think I might be giving Dennis the win.
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