Fantasy Funzies Week Three Picks

The Chefs vs. Dirty D

Though Derek let me down last week, I’m not ready to pen my hurt-feelings intervention letter just yet – especially since he still put up decent points against the mirage that is Lindsay’s team. Fortunately, Dennis’ team can’t conjure the same kind of magic out of Grossman and Blount, who actually play defenses this week – with real men instead of orange cylinders. Add to that misfortune the fact that Dennis is sporting two men named Donald on his team and we’re talking complete Donald meltdown here – with Nicks playing lucky Hakeem in the middle. This year is shaping up to be a quarterback’s year and Derek roundhouse kicks Dennis because he has two of the best of them.

Reckoner vs. The North

When you are rocking Kyle Orton and Tavaris Jackson, you’ll be lucky to be “north” of 200 points this week – and that’s only if McFadden can maintain the magic against a pretty formidable defense which has proven to be a fantasy black hole so far. In regard to my slagging Orton, and Larry’s hurtful comments about my beloved running back – I offer this witty retort. But, back to the task at hand...Sanchez has the suspect Raiders. Kolb gets the atrocious Seahawks, who are so bad that when I see them on TV I make the same face I make when I walk into a bathroom and experience the humid froth of some stranger’s smelly dump. Just based on those two matchups alone, my money’s on Lindsay this week (by money, I mean absolutely no actual money).

The Lonesome Kicker vs. PDC

One of these teams is a work of beauty – cobbled together from dreams and the meows of small kittens. The other team is a Frankenstein of failed fantasy football decisions driven by a mad, desperate man driven into the depths of the waiver wire. These teams couldn’t be any more different, but in playing, I think we’re going to see the closest score of the week. I fully expect, and depend and make pleas to my dark master with blood oaths, for New England and Buffalo to enter a shoot-out this week. I also expect, and this pretty much sets the tone for the year, that any team playing Peyton-less Indy will have more fun than a lemon party. On the other hand, I also expect Schaub to be shooting with both barrels, and for San Francisco to be consistently terrible. Ian proverbially throws the football in Ryan's face this week..

Bare Cupboards vs. Banana Grabber

I’m rocking a new-look team – with one starter murdered by a mascot and the other jettisoned off to Lindsay’s fantasy funhouse. In case you hadn’t noticed, my week can be pretty much summed up like this: I need New England and Buffalo to score points – lots of them. Bryan, on the other hand, has a pretty solid menagerie of matchups – maybe asides from Romo who might break in half if hit – with Ryan, Jones-Drew and Marshall all facing defenseless defenses. Here’s how I imagine this will play out: I’ll start strong, see Bryan’s defence, start running laterally and just when I think I’m gonna make it and win this week, my knee goes all bendy and I fall weeping into the arms of a furry, giving Bryan a W.

Urban Achiever vs. Downs Burn

Well Wayne lost last week, and the world didn’t end. I checked the news and it seems that some kind of beluga whale-type thing saved us at the 11th hour. So if this whole world-ending is the wrong theory, maybe a better one is that we live in bizarro-world, where Wayne’s team doesn’t look like a limp dick. It fact, Wayne’s team kind of has the air of a raging hard-on, and Cam Newton is the rippling purple veins (let’s see ESPN use that metaphor!). Though Newton is awfully mistake-prone, he runs and throws enough to fulfill a Michael Vick-lite role. And while, I like Paul’s team – I don’t think he’ll reach the climax Wayne will. Paul’s players are looking at some pretty stiff matchups and probably won’t see as many balls. Shoot, after a good pounding, I think this is the week Wayne’s team goes off, firing out a hot win.