Reckoner vs. Urban Achiever
If Lindsay’s team were a Magic the Gathering Card, it would be one that gets a -1/-1 counter for every week that Peyton Manning doesn’t play. He may be one game above .500, but perilously so. And this week will demonstrate the reason why – because Sanchez and Kolb only look proficient against the limpest of competition. And while I like Forte and Jackson’s matchups – I think Paul has the overall better package this week (seriously, I’m not trying to make Penis metaphors – football just makes everything sound homoerotic – or maybe I just make everything sound homoerotic – I’ll let you decide). I see this as the week Johnson finally stops laying turds on the turf, and even though Steve Smith is a) ancient, b) 3-11 and c) looks like a black Hans Moleman – it’s probably enough for Paul to go dancing to a win.
The Lonesome Kicker vs. The Chefs
I’d call this the tilt of the week, except history has proven that though Ian may have a lot of fantasy points – he doesn’t have a lot of luck. Despite all these years of misfortune, I think this is the week that Ian can finally climb down into his basement, turn on that dingy, dangling light bulb, marvel one last time at his collected jars of tears – all labeled by year, and then set forth pouring them down the floor drain. If he was nice, he’d also let the gimp out of the box for some air – sleeping or not. Anyway, enough of Ian’s crazy leather-sex-mask ways...football, football...so yeah, Derek has a good team, so does Ian, except his running backs don’t punch people in face – over multiple occasions. Considering history, this is a pretty magnificent upset for Miller.
The Downs Burns vs. Banana Grabbers
I think somebody better call some kind of special white-collar crime division for this matchup – because it features two of the biggest fantasy frauds in recent memory. Like a nice pair of fingerless gloves, Matt Ryan might look badass, but in reality he’s kind of useless when you really think about it. This is especially true when you consider how many tools he has at his disposal, yet he still puts up some pretty mediocre numbers. I’d give Freeman a pass, but he’s had a couple of years of light scrutiny while Tampa rebuilds. Now, in what, his third year – he’s not exactly shooting fireworks out of his fingertips. To make it simple, If this was a pro-line game, I’d pass on it because it feels like a trap game. Bryan should probably win, but who knows if Tom Brady will only pass to Welker again. That kind of thing makes Wayne dangerous. I’ll wager that’s a no two weeks and a row and go with Bryan on this less than exciting matchup.
Dirty D vs. The North
Forget what I said about the above matchup. This one makes me glad my computer isn’t scratch-n-sniff. As Ian deftly pointed out, I corrected myself by not picking Dennis last week. Now you think I would’ve learned something – and I did – and that’s this fact – there’s no worse insult than telling a man that his fantasy team is probably going to lose to Dennis’, which is what I’m saying to Larry. I’m sorry Larry. I really am, but I can’t see my way around this one – with a hurt Vick, a time-sharing Cadillac and an occasionally non-existent Branch, it’s hard to see a victory over Dennis – whose players finally get some pretty favorable teams to play. Grossman should be more man than gross this week, and Rodgers will ramrod Denver. Plus even with me down on Blount and Turner, I can’t deny them some nice stats this week. I know tongues will be wagging, but I've gotta go with Dennis this week.
Bare Cupboards vs. PDC
I haven’t favored myself once yet this year, and that’s out of fear that I might ruin a good thing going. This week though, I have to tilt the hat to my side, if only because a significant portion of Ryan’s team plays a pretty solid defense. Mind you, even with the Texans being effectively cancelled out, I’ve got a cautious eye on a resurgent Felix Jones and an ever-deadly McCoy. Still, I have an angry Tom Brady on my hands – who is all too likely to use the abuse side of his pimp slap on the Raiders this weekend. That and I’m super high on my free-agent wide receivers – and I have to be – after literally selling a kidney (a fantasy kidney mind you) to get them. While I don’t think it will be a slaughter-fest, I’ve got a feeling I can pull this one out like a catholic boy at the back of a church mixer – calling my own victory never sounded so sweet.
No comments:
Post a Comment