Reckoner vs Urban Achiever
Paul wanted Mallrats Kevin Smith, but instead he got Cop Out as the Lions were too busy tripping over their own feet to produce any meaningful fantasy points. Actually more troubling is that David Akers was one chip shot away from being Paul’s current fantasy leader for this week. I’m not saying I’m some kind of Nostradamus with three games in the bag, but I like Lindsay’s chances seeing how the Ravens gave Alex Smith a rocket ship ride back to reality. The rest of Reckoner’s opponents are weaker than a cancer kid's handshake, so I’ll say he hands Paul a second, alarming loss.
PDC vs. The Lonesome Kicker
Despite Ian jumping out of the gate this week, I’m positive this game will be close by Sunday’s end. Maybe not 199-199 tie close, but enough to produce a bit of perspiration on Mr. Miller’s brow – after all, games actually matter for him. Not so for Ryan who can just sit back and play spoiler while tasting the bitter tears of another ruined year. Speaking of bitter, ruined things – we now welcome Matt Leinart to our 2011 fantasy football league. Fortunately he’s playing the Jacksonville Jones Drews this week. Stack him up with the oddly serviceable Andy Dalton and there’s faint hope there – but by faint, I mean like an elevator fart after stopping three floors – in other words, when Ian gets on, he’ll know something’s wrong, but won’t know where the source of the dark magic began. Even though his senses will be mildly assaulted, Ian will just do that shirt thing and move on.
Banana Grabbers vs Downs Burns
Another close one, but looking into my magic eight ball, the answer I get is “check back later.” Wait, WTF magic eight ball? I want an answer. Let’s try again...”concentrate and ask again.” I can’t believe I paid a whole seven dollars for you at Tropicana...I could’ve gotten three witty beer t-shirts or a Bob Marley wig for that money. Okay, maybe I’ll tell it about who’s playing. Cam Newton against lacklustre Indy...Michael Bush against Chicago...alright...”cannot predict now.” Okay, how about a now alive Antonio Gates against Ponder playing Atlanta...? “Reply hazy, try again later.” Okay, so it’s going to be a slugfest and too close to rely on technology to decide. I’ve got to pick somebody – so, I’ll take Wayne for momentum’s sake and making the playoffs for the perfect mind fuck.
Dirty D vs. The Chefs
A couple more players for each team and I could’ve saved myself the trouble this week. Admittedly, I make fun of Dennis a lot (it’s all in jest I promise), but his team scores a lot of points. With Foster in his pocket, there’s a ton of potential for a ridiculous stat line come Sunday. And while I like Derek’s team, nobody there is screaming to go off. All things being equal, both Dennis and Derek had big ticket players disappoint this week – but it hurts The Chefs a lot more to come up lame with Ray Rice than it does for Dennis to get a quiet Nelson or a usually crummy Crabtree. So what happens? Well, it’s a slim lead right now and it’ll probably stay that way to the end, but I’ll say that Dennis finds a way to win this week.
Bare Cupboards vs. The North
C’mon Tom Brady! You could’ve walked three steps and saved me the agony of tie. Ties are worse than wins or losses – it’s the fantasy equivalent of purgatory – at least when you’re in Heaven or Hell, you know where you stand. Also, thank you Nate Burleson for being crappy this week – I totally forgot about the super early Thanksgiving start times, but hey, you saved me from starting you. Finally a game Larry and I have a chance of winning – and like pretty much every other matchup this week – this one will probably come down to the wire. While I have the second best Julio around, Larry has the second best Fitzgerald. If I was to give someone an edge, I’d say me only because I’d take Brady over Grossman. So, lets’ break it down: I’ll take the edge in quarterbacks, perhaps Larry in running backs and wide receivers are kind of a wasteland – but mine are minutely less noxious because of Jimmy Graham, so we’ll say that I fail upwards this week
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Fantasy Funzies Week 11 Picks
The Chefs vs. Banana Grabbers
Derek’s team is to Drew Brees like a Hermaphrodite is to makeup and a tidy tuck – Derek is simply not as appealing when Brees is not there. Fortunately, it hardly matters when you’re slapping stepchildren as ugly as Brian’s team. Outside of maybe me, Brian plays the fantasy wide receiver wire like the loosest slots this side of Great Falls Montana (if you haven’t been to Montana, then this joke is lost on you and you are a terrible person too). Too bad, the weekly gambles on the likes of Garcon, Bennet and Jenkins isn’t really paying off – better to save those twoonies and pick up a slurpee – it’s doubly more rewarding, and delicious. Derek gets Brian-freeze this week, but still wins.
The North vs. Reckoner
It would be unfair to prematurely judge this matchup based on the fact that Greene, Decker and Larson totalled fewer points than the price of a happy meal – but I’m about as comfortable getting a Jerry Sandusky backrub as I am in putting stock in Grossman’s ability not to throw the football squarely into the chests of his opponents. Not like Lindsay really has anything to write home about – his reliance on the Jets is troubling – because they kind of suck – but not in that totally terrible it’s like a wonderful falling feeling kind of release way (like the Colts) – but in that Eagles version of sucking – where they just disappoint you like some kind of wayward child who keeps eating glue. Anyway, Lindsay can eat as much glue as he wants – it’s not the worst thing you can be – you can be Larry’s team, the one that smells faintly like urine and soup.
PDC vs. Dirty D
Speaking of free-falling, Ryan can probably hang on to that parachute because he gets the one man-team that is Dennis’s Aaron Rodgers. If it isn’t already obvious, let me visualize it for you – Aaron Rodgers is coming down the road – wait...what’s that on his back, some kind of shape...no, hold on...it’s a man....oh, it’s a grown man, and it’s Dennis...and Aaron Rodgers is giving him the ultimate piggy back ride. Too bad that ride ends at not being in the playoffs and maybe getting the first round pick. I’m not worried. If there was one person who I’m rooting for getting the number one pick – other than me – it’s Dennis – because his picks are like favors for the other teams. He picks the bad players so you don’t have to...Go Dennis!
The Downs Burns vs Urban Achiever
One of the few matchups that actually matters – Wayne is dropping like something hot...actually more like a hot turd out of an Occupy Calgary protester. Well, this is Wayne’s season – if he doesn’t do it here, he’ll be like the Bills – another empty promise unfulfilled. Can’t say I’m excited about either Flacco or Newton, but they gotta come through sometime – like a fool, I’ll go out on a limb and say it’s this week, again. Plus McCoy and Gore are definitively better than either of Paul’s backs who I think hit their high-water mark over the past couple weeks. Throw in some bad defenses for his wideouts and I say Wayne lives another week and wins the rubber match.
Bare Cupboards vs. The Lonesome Kickers
My name is Dean and I have an abused fantasy football team. Last week, when I didn’t think Tom Brady was paying attention, I went to the grocery store and talked to Jay Cutler. I mean, Tom hadn’t been playing well, so you know, I just thought...well Tom found out and he taught me a lesson. Just like a few weeks past when Bejarvis-Green-Useless wasn’t doing anything and so I leaned over my fence and whispered to Brandon Jacobs about playing for me. Green-Useless found out and gave me the business end of the fantasy phone book. Sunday hasn’t started and I can already bet that Cutler won’t match Tebow for production, and even though I like most of my matchups, I don’t want to get out of line again lest the Patriots help me “fall into a doorknob” or “slip down the stairs.” Instead, I’ll let Ian give me a taste of his backhand this week.
Derek’s team is to Drew Brees like a Hermaphrodite is to makeup and a tidy tuck – Derek is simply not as appealing when Brees is not there. Fortunately, it hardly matters when you’re slapping stepchildren as ugly as Brian’s team. Outside of maybe me, Brian plays the fantasy wide receiver wire like the loosest slots this side of Great Falls Montana (if you haven’t been to Montana, then this joke is lost on you and you are a terrible person too). Too bad, the weekly gambles on the likes of Garcon, Bennet and Jenkins isn’t really paying off – better to save those twoonies and pick up a slurpee – it’s doubly more rewarding, and delicious. Derek gets Brian-freeze this week, but still wins.
The North vs. Reckoner
It would be unfair to prematurely judge this matchup based on the fact that Greene, Decker and Larson totalled fewer points than the price of a happy meal – but I’m about as comfortable getting a Jerry Sandusky backrub as I am in putting stock in Grossman’s ability not to throw the football squarely into the chests of his opponents. Not like Lindsay really has anything to write home about – his reliance on the Jets is troubling – because they kind of suck – but not in that totally terrible it’s like a wonderful falling feeling kind of release way (like the Colts) – but in that Eagles version of sucking – where they just disappoint you like some kind of wayward child who keeps eating glue. Anyway, Lindsay can eat as much glue as he wants – it’s not the worst thing you can be – you can be Larry’s team, the one that smells faintly like urine and soup.
PDC vs. Dirty D
Speaking of free-falling, Ryan can probably hang on to that parachute because he gets the one man-team that is Dennis’s Aaron Rodgers. If it isn’t already obvious, let me visualize it for you – Aaron Rodgers is coming down the road – wait...what’s that on his back, some kind of shape...no, hold on...it’s a man....oh, it’s a grown man, and it’s Dennis...and Aaron Rodgers is giving him the ultimate piggy back ride. Too bad that ride ends at not being in the playoffs and maybe getting the first round pick. I’m not worried. If there was one person who I’m rooting for getting the number one pick – other than me – it’s Dennis – because his picks are like favors for the other teams. He picks the bad players so you don’t have to...Go Dennis!
The Downs Burns vs Urban Achiever
One of the few matchups that actually matters – Wayne is dropping like something hot...actually more like a hot turd out of an Occupy Calgary protester. Well, this is Wayne’s season – if he doesn’t do it here, he’ll be like the Bills – another empty promise unfulfilled. Can’t say I’m excited about either Flacco or Newton, but they gotta come through sometime – like a fool, I’ll go out on a limb and say it’s this week, again. Plus McCoy and Gore are definitively better than either of Paul’s backs who I think hit their high-water mark over the past couple weeks. Throw in some bad defenses for his wideouts and I say Wayne lives another week and wins the rubber match.
Bare Cupboards vs. The Lonesome Kickers
My name is Dean and I have an abused fantasy football team. Last week, when I didn’t think Tom Brady was paying attention, I went to the grocery store and talked to Jay Cutler. I mean, Tom hadn’t been playing well, so you know, I just thought...well Tom found out and he taught me a lesson. Just like a few weeks past when Bejarvis-Green-Useless wasn’t doing anything and so I leaned over my fence and whispered to Brandon Jacobs about playing for me. Green-Useless found out and gave me the business end of the fantasy phone book. Sunday hasn’t started and I can already bet that Cutler won’t match Tebow for production, and even though I like most of my matchups, I don’t want to get out of line again lest the Patriots help me “fall into a doorknob” or “slip down the stairs.” Instead, I’ll let Ian give me a taste of his backhand this week.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Fantasy Funzies Week Ten Picks
Bare Cupboards gets the final countdown to the final beatdown - Dennis wins!
Reckoner wrecks Lonesome Kicker - Lindsay wins!
The Chefs get cooking some Coalition - Derek wins!
Keith Urban Achiever strums out another victory - Paul wins!
Downs Burns cares enough to play playing players so he wins - Wayne wins!
Reckoner wrecks Lonesome Kicker - Lindsay wins!
The Chefs get cooking some Coalition - Derek wins!
Keith Urban Achiever strums out another victory - Paul wins!
Downs Burns cares enough to play playing players so he wins - Wayne wins!
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Fantasy Funzies Week Nine Picks
Bare Cupboards vs. The Chefs
For my team, moral victories are going to be the only ones that count. Think of this is me ascending a steep mountain, only to reach the cliff top, fingertips clasped to the edge, and then Derek steps on them and I plummet into the fantasy depths. Bye weeks make this a little closer than it should be, but that's hardly a comfort - there's just too much talent there - Derek stops me out.
PDC vs. Urban Achiever
Oh, the optimism of the fallen -how foolhardy faint hope makes some people. No Ryan, Reggie Bush doing well was like a miraculous shooting star firing purple sparks against an orange-pink sunset. It won't happen again. What will happen is Paul pulling out a victory, albeit another close one - put the blame there on Rivers dropping the ball more than actually passing it - luckily (questionably) Eli Manning becomes the savior against a 32nd ranked NE defense.
Lonesome Kicker vs. Dirty D
Could this be the last of Tebow? For meme's sake, I hope not. Kind of a weird matchup - I think Dennis' team should be better then they are - maybe it's the fact he tends to end up in shoot outs, but always seems to get the wrong end of the human centipede. No matter, takes Ian down to his naked puzzle basement. Ian has some talent, but Tebow and Tolbert aren't enough this week, and Dennis emotionally cripples Miller.
Reckoner vs. Downs Burns
If it wasn't for the ongoing mental retardation of some of Wayne's opponents, like those who depend on NE running backs, his record might not be so luminous. This week is a real test with resurgent Lindsay and his once laughable depth now working in his favor. I think this week we see who the pretender is - my money's on Wayne....losing. If Vick continues playing at a high level, nothing Cam Newton can do can counter it - and I'd taken my chances with Bolden, Marshall and Jackson over a one-dimensional Welker and Where's Waldo Brandon Lloyd Weber.
Banana Grabbers vs. The North
A disastrous fantasy football season is often more beautiful and more enthralling than a good one - a lot of times, a good season is all about luck and the occasional smart draft or pickup. An epically bad season takes a lot more anti-luck and poor decisions, compounding on each other until it reaches critical mass and implodes in upon itself like a black hole. At this point, Larry's team has nearly reached singularity - all Bryan's team has to do is step to the side and walk on by, but and here's a big but....I don't think we're there yet...for this week, I'm gonna go with Larry - my brain says no, but my gut says yes (or maybe it's late night Wendy's - I guess they are kind of the same thing).
For my team, moral victories are going to be the only ones that count. Think of this is me ascending a steep mountain, only to reach the cliff top, fingertips clasped to the edge, and then Derek steps on them and I plummet into the fantasy depths. Bye weeks make this a little closer than it should be, but that's hardly a comfort - there's just too much talent there - Derek stops me out.
PDC vs. Urban Achiever
Oh, the optimism of the fallen -how foolhardy faint hope makes some people. No Ryan, Reggie Bush doing well was like a miraculous shooting star firing purple sparks against an orange-pink sunset. It won't happen again. What will happen is Paul pulling out a victory, albeit another close one - put the blame there on Rivers dropping the ball more than actually passing it - luckily (questionably) Eli Manning becomes the savior against a 32nd ranked NE defense.
Lonesome Kicker vs. Dirty D
Could this be the last of Tebow? For meme's sake, I hope not. Kind of a weird matchup - I think Dennis' team should be better then they are - maybe it's the fact he tends to end up in shoot outs, but always seems to get the wrong end of the human centipede. No matter, takes Ian down to his naked puzzle basement. Ian has some talent, but Tebow and Tolbert aren't enough this week, and Dennis emotionally cripples Miller.
Reckoner vs. Downs Burns
If it wasn't for the ongoing mental retardation of some of Wayne's opponents, like those who depend on NE running backs, his record might not be so luminous. This week is a real test with resurgent Lindsay and his once laughable depth now working in his favor. I think this week we see who the pretender is - my money's on Wayne....losing. If Vick continues playing at a high level, nothing Cam Newton can do can counter it - and I'd taken my chances with Bolden, Marshall and Jackson over a one-dimensional Welker and Where's Waldo Brandon Lloyd Weber.
Banana Grabbers vs. The North
A disastrous fantasy football season is often more beautiful and more enthralling than a good one - a lot of times, a good season is all about luck and the occasional smart draft or pickup. An epically bad season takes a lot more anti-luck and poor decisions, compounding on each other until it reaches critical mass and implodes in upon itself like a black hole. At this point, Larry's team has nearly reached singularity - all Bryan's team has to do is step to the side and walk on by, but and here's a big but....I don't think we're there yet...for this week, I'm gonna go with Larry - my brain says no, but my gut says yes (or maybe it's late night Wendy's - I guess they are kind of the same thing).
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)