The Chefs vs. Banana Grabbers
Derek’s team is to Drew Brees like a Hermaphrodite is to makeup and a tidy tuck – Derek is simply not as appealing when Brees is not there. Fortunately, it hardly matters when you’re slapping stepchildren as ugly as Brian’s team. Outside of maybe me, Brian plays the fantasy wide receiver wire like the loosest slots this side of Great Falls Montana (if you haven’t been to Montana, then this joke is lost on you and you are a terrible person too). Too bad, the weekly gambles on the likes of Garcon, Bennet and Jenkins isn’t really paying off – better to save those twoonies and pick up a slurpee – it’s doubly more rewarding, and delicious. Derek gets Brian-freeze this week, but still wins.
The North vs. Reckoner
It would be unfair to prematurely judge this matchup based on the fact that Greene, Decker and Larson totalled fewer points than the price of a happy meal – but I’m about as comfortable getting a Jerry Sandusky backrub as I am in putting stock in Grossman’s ability not to throw the football squarely into the chests of his opponents. Not like Lindsay really has anything to write home about – his reliance on the Jets is troubling – because they kind of suck – but not in that totally terrible it’s like a wonderful falling feeling kind of release way (like the Colts) – but in that Eagles version of sucking – where they just disappoint you like some kind of wayward child who keeps eating glue. Anyway, Lindsay can eat as much glue as he wants – it’s not the worst thing you can be – you can be Larry’s team, the one that smells faintly like urine and soup.
PDC vs. Dirty D
Speaking of free-falling, Ryan can probably hang on to that parachute because he gets the one man-team that is Dennis’s Aaron Rodgers. If it isn’t already obvious, let me visualize it for you – Aaron Rodgers is coming down the road – wait...what’s that on his back, some kind of shape...no, hold on...it’s a man....oh, it’s a grown man, and it’s Dennis...and Aaron Rodgers is giving him the ultimate piggy back ride. Too bad that ride ends at not being in the playoffs and maybe getting the first round pick. I’m not worried. If there was one person who I’m rooting for getting the number one pick – other than me – it’s Dennis – because his picks are like favors for the other teams. He picks the bad players so you don’t have to...Go Dennis!
The Downs Burns vs Urban Achiever
One of the few matchups that actually matters – Wayne is dropping like something hot...actually more like a hot turd out of an Occupy Calgary protester. Well, this is Wayne’s season – if he doesn’t do it here, he’ll be like the Bills – another empty promise unfulfilled. Can’t say I’m excited about either Flacco or Newton, but they gotta come through sometime – like a fool, I’ll go out on a limb and say it’s this week, again. Plus McCoy and Gore are definitively better than either of Paul’s backs who I think hit their high-water mark over the past couple weeks. Throw in some bad defenses for his wideouts and I say Wayne lives another week and wins the rubber match.
Bare Cupboards vs. The Lonesome Kickers
My name is Dean and I have an abused fantasy football team. Last week, when I didn’t think Tom Brady was paying attention, I went to the grocery store and talked to Jay Cutler. I mean, Tom hadn’t been playing well, so you know, I just thought...well Tom found out and he taught me a lesson. Just like a few weeks past when Bejarvis-Green-Useless wasn’t doing anything and so I leaned over my fence and whispered to Brandon Jacobs about playing for me. Green-Useless found out and gave me the business end of the fantasy phone book. Sunday hasn’t started and I can already bet that Cutler won’t match Tebow for production, and even though I like most of my matchups, I don’t want to get out of line again lest the Patriots help me “fall into a doorknob” or “slip down the stairs.” Instead, I’ll let Ian give me a taste of his backhand this week.
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