My BDTF Week Four!

Dirty D vs. The North

You would think a team featuring Matt Ryan, Aaron Rodgers and Arian Foster would be a dangerous one, yet Dennis finds himself nary a win. Like Math 30, I just don't get it. What I do get, is that Dennis finally has a good match-up - Larry's crew seems like a contradiction in terms - if Peyton Manning plays well, what of McFadden? Bradshaw starts, but how much - and more importantly, how long? I don't think he easily escapes the streets of Philadelphia mmmmlala mmm mmmmmlala nnnmmmla mmnmmnnnmmlalala . This is the last week I pick Dennis - hopefully he avoids being snakebitten.

The Downs Burns vs. Banana Grabbers

The trouble with Matt Schaub, other than that opposing teams enjoy removing his ears, is that despite being a decent quarterback, he's a tough one to rely on production because his team's running game is so good. The trouble with this match-up is which of Brian's teams show up, the one that went all angry all the time, Hulk on mine, or the bespectacled loser that's getting his lunch money taken in previous weeks. Well my astral chart says you get one more good week - Brian blows Ryan away.

The Lonesome Kicker vs. The Chefs

The unfortunate part of this week's matchup is that no matter what it removes Ian from his zen-like stat of one-one-and-one. Here's hoping he finds a way to get to two-two-and-two. Sad as it might be, I think there's a chance Weeden might have more points that Brees. It's going to take a super-human effort from New Orleans not to be winless after this week. Similarly, it's going to take a super-human effort for super-douche Jay Cutler not to smirk stupidly while getting dumped by Dallas' defense. I'll throw Ian a win on the strength of New Orleans really trying this week.

Urban Achiever vs. Reckoner

Like late-era Radiohead, I'm not sure if Lindsay's team is actually good, or just riding on the wave of previous successes (good thing I wrote this today and not yesterday - ha ha ha!). Having two eagles alumni as quarterbacks speaks volumes - why not pick up Jeff Garcia and start him too? The only guy on Lindsay's team that could get real production is Lynch and even he's playing a not bad defense. Derek's team hasn't lit the world on fire like expected, but he won't have to here - Lindsay gets all torn up.

Bare Cupboards vs. Gone in 30 Minutes

Seeing how I already spotted Ryan sixty points, this one's nearly in the bag. The biggest surprise, to me especially, was that my team was actually scoring at all in the previous weeks - well, the honeymoon seems about over and the likes of Amendola and Ridley are showing their true frustrating fantasy colours. My hopes rest on Palmer continuing to not be abysmal and Jennings coming alive, but we'll see if that matters when Red Green Blue the third tears up a tissue-soft Tampa Bay. It's close, but I die slowly and painfully this week.

My BDTF Week Three!

This will have to be a quick one - off to Banff today:

Bare Cupboards vs. Banana Grabbers

Grabbers' great matchups grab him a win over my gross group.

The Chefs vs Dirty D

Dennis pokes a hole through the mystery of Derek by finally starting the right players.

Reckoner vs. The North

I know Lindsay's 2-0, but it's hard to fathom how; it's almost a practical joke team. Larry wins.

Gone in 30 Minutes vs. The Lonesome Kicker

Alright, they're not quite turds - Richardon proved something and does again. Flawless victory for Ryan.

Urban Achiever vs. The Downs Burns

This one is cheating since some of Wayne's guys already misfired. Paul dances away with one.

My BDTF Week Two!

The Chefs vs. Reckoner

What did I say Lindsay? Did I not say that Matt Forte is about as questionable as Adrian Brody's squirrely mustache? At least you got some points out of him before both of his knees reached singularity. Could be worse, you could be just realizing that all the pre-season hype hasn't actually changed the very real fact that Jay Cutlet stinks. Or that making it rain to get Randall Cobb probably was an overspend, since Aaron Rodgers is loyal to no one when it comes to spreading the ball. Most weeks I would do the Derek default, but this week I'm seeing the Dagenais sashay.

 Banana Grabbers vs. Urban Achiever

Chris Johnson's last week performance was somewhere between Lil Kim and Nicki Minaj on the ugliness scale. Fortunately, this week I think he'll fare better against a smoke and mirrors San Diego squad - I'm thinking somewhere between a lesser Sunshine Girl and that chick that makes duck faces. Still, will it be enough to stop the one-week hype of the Romo juggernaut? Probably not...but that's more to do with Bryan's supporting cast getting walk-overs like Buffalo, while Paul's get the rapidly improving defenses of Philly and Tampa Bay. A close one that Bryan slithers away from.

Dirty D. vs Gone in 30 Minutes

What's with the Green Bay Packers - despite dusting off the buried treasure that is Cedric Benson - they can't seem to score with the aplomb they showed in years past. It looks like the bloom might be off the rose. Meanwhile Matt Ryan is in full bloom - he just had his first period and his mom just sat him down to explain that he's a woman now, which means he can finally stop producing pedestrian fantasy numbers week-in and week-out. Meanwhile, Ryan pops out the turd-rific Tate and Richardson to nobody's delight. Dennis takes a cakewalk.

The North vs. The Downs Burn

Okay, Alex Smith was okay last week - but this week, yes, this week he'll suck for sure! Peyton Manning also proved me wrong by marching his plucky team to a victory at the last minute, getting the girl, disarming the bomb at Coco Bongo and saving Edge City - which I think is either the ending of The Mask or Schindler's List - I get those two confused. Anyway, another close one for both combatants - this time I'll take Wayne because I trust Cam Newton at home more than Manning in the Georgia Dome. Wayne flips for joy over the short-lived moral victory.

Bare Cupboards vs. The Lonesome Kicker

The fact that I'd willingly start Carson Palmer should say a lot about what I think of my team. Like some kind of wayward parent of a child prodigy, I'm leaving my team in the my car with the windows rolled up while I go play a few rounds of bingo. Even with these poor decisions in-tow, I can't see Andrew Luck faring any better than last week and it's only a matter of time until All Day blows out his knee, no matter how many interviews he does saying the contrary. My achilles this week is whether Belichick goes all Joffrey on me and decides to play another NE running back all with the fey wave of his hand - I'm hoping he doesn't and I take the win over Miller.

My beautiful dark twisted fantasy - Week one

Ah jea, back for another season of fantasy - it's like fun and failure having a baby - or like eating a whole jar of Nutella by yourself. Get ready for another round of meaningless picks by me that are really just poorly-veiled (and poorly constructed!) insults at friends, family, the profoundly handicapped and myself.

Lonesome Kicker vs. Urban Achiever

Unless the NFL lets Peterson's wheelchair onto the field, there's a decent chance that Mark Ingram might actually be Ian's starting running back. That's kind of funny because all Ian has to do is look on over at Paul's team to see the guy who's actually going to get points as a running back on the New Orleans Saints. It would be a enough to make a grown man scream. Pair that with Andrew Luck not having any against a reasonably stout Bears defense (you should hear my Art Modell puns - been work-shopping them all week), and I say Paul walks away with a relatively easy one this week.

Gone in 30 Minutes vs. The Chefs

Like a line-up of Thai hookers, Ryan's team is full of unknowns. Is Robert Griffin going to be good, or is he going to have a droopy uncircumcised man-hammer beneath that mini-skirt. Same goes for Richardson, who nobody has actually seen play. As far as I know, he's not even a real person, the Browns just made up a guy to give their dim-witted fans a little hope before they go home to disappointingly beat their wives. Another walk-away victory here with Derek helping Ryan fall into a doorknob this week.

The Downs Burns vs. Reckoner

Even with a 38 point lead, I think Wayne' chances of winning are about as solid as a Tupac hologram. And like Tupac, perhaps Wayne's best work is when he's not around, since I actually think his drafted starting team is decent (his back-ups however sound worse than Tupac's eighth post-mortem record). Not that I love Lindsay's team either - I don't. The names sound okay, but something just isn't right - like turning a long-dead person into a touring partner at Coachella. It's probably a little bit Lynch, and probably a lot bit Vick, and then a little bit Forte. Methinks all of these guys are in for down years - and will be about as well-received as Tupac's next tour - the "Please Just Let Me Die, Baby" tour. Despite all that, it's Wayne who will be crying so many tears when Lindsay wins.

The North vs Banana Grabbers

Having Peyton Manning start with Alex Smith is like seeing big beautiful breasts on a morbidly obese woman - they quite effectively cancel each other out. Larry's put a lot of faith in someone who's been remarkably mediocre for a long time - and no ancient Randy Moss is going to change that fact. If there's an upside for Charles it's that Bryan is relying on another Charles - one who may or may not be one hit away from selling cell phones at the mall. That said, Manning is one good hit away from permanently speaking like Jean Chretien on ambien, so really this is all just a toss-up. I'll say Bryan takes a squeaker this week.

Bare Cupboards vs Dirty D

Speaking of squeakers, I was looking up things on Urban Dictionary the other day and I came across doing a "Fleener." Apparently, that's when you take a handful of hot poo and push it through the screen of your neighbor's storm door. Half of Dennis' team will probably be fleening me all day - Ryan and Rodgers and Foster and Colston make for a potent pair-of-pairs. The only way this stays close for me is if Shannhan plays trickster god once again and starts somebody other than Royster. While I think my team will put in a workmanlike effort - one might even say yeoman - I don't think it will be enough against Dennis' relatively healthy superstars in week one. Dennis fleens my screen door and I have to wash off the corn nuggets with my front hose.