Fanciful Fantasy Fun Fortunes Week Eight 2013

The North vs. The Chefs
Both Peyton Manning and Larry suffered a loss last week, which comes at no surprise since Larry's fortunes are inextricably linked to Manning's. Just in time for Halloween, the shambling corpse of Derek's team was re-animated. Given that Manning and Wilson are playing horrendous teams this week, it's likely that Larry is going make short work of zombie Derek. Still, it'll be close because Green-Ellis and McGahee scare nobody, and Dalton and Stafford are a potent pair. A photo finish here, but unshockingly Larry wins.

Breesus Christ Superstars vs. The Lonesome Kicker
The brothers Miller face off in a spectacular for the ages - both are sporting the same record and momentum - however, both are also sporting some spotty lineups because of bye weeks. I guess this is a case of who's backups are better - is it Bull Durham from Detroit or ugh Ponder in Minny. Ian has the better support cast in Peterson, Moreno and (tear) Decker, but Bryan clearly has the advantage at quarterback. I'll guess I'll say that Miller wins.

Ngata Chance vs Gone in 30 Minutes
Our league's general ineptitude is on display in this matchup - both Ryan and Lindsay are carrying a slightly sub .500 into this week. But all is not lost since that seems to be a pretty common record in our league right now. So who climbs back into the race and who slides slowly into oblivion? Well despite LeFell failing, Ryan's acquisition of Welker gives his wide receiver corps some needed spice. Meanwhile, we get another week of Fitzgerald under-achieving and watch Vick run for his life against a suddenly motivated giant who are barely out of their division's race. Even Lynch can't clinch it for Lindsay this week - Ryan runs away with it.

Chewbacca DST vs. Dirty D
With some wins under his belt, perhaps Paul has gotten a taste of the victorious lifestyle. Whether it continues kind of rests on Kaepernick's shoulders - and this week - he plays probably the worst team in the NFL and CFL - basically Jacksonville can't win in any FLs. And while Dennis has Rodgers, he's only been quietly dominate this year as Green Bay tries to balance out their offense with some running for a change. Plus my second favorite Lamar is probably a better second RB than Lucky Pierre plucked straight off our free agent tire fire. Paul's team in in-sync, they win.

The Snoodler vs. The Downs Burns
No matter how many free agents I try to pick up, it won't fundamentally improve my team's core issues. It's like this - you can have a Pam Anderson body, but if the head looks like Garfield, then it doesn't matter - well, unless you are this guy. The hope here is that my Sproules trade pays dividends this week (it sure didn't help last week - Deckeeerrrrr). Will it matter though? Wayne already put up 50 with Newton and Manning/McCoy both get less than stellar defenses. I can only hope my team puts up a decent fight on it's way to getting boom piledriven by Wayne's team.

Fanciful Fantasy Fun Fortunes Week Seven 2013

The Snoodler vs. Chewbacca DST
Another week, another session of Sunday carpal tunnel syndrome from all the hand-wringing I'll be doing while watching Ray Rice continue his march of futility. Is that any worse than watching Colin Craepernick continue to prove that despite his rugged demeanor and well-organized tattoos that he's still a rookie - or worse - possibly a one-year wonder? On the razor-thin advantage I have at quarterback, I run away slowly from this one.

Dirty D vs Ngata Chance
Even with a 30-point lead, I'm not confident this is Ngata Chance's week. See, five points out of Larry Fitzgerald is abysmal and I'm sure Jeff Gordon will race away with more points than that for Dennis. Factor in the inexplicable decision to start Josh Freeman, whose shittiness is so legendary even he'll make the stone golums that are the giants defense look like the goddamn 85 bears. Then, add a dash of Dennis' team generally being not shitty* (*Spiller kind of being the exception) and we have a situation where Lindsay should just turtle and take the beating. Dirty D wins.

Gone in 30 Minutes vs. Breesus Christ Superstar
Ryan's Sunday lineup is scarier than watching a midget do the worm and then bite a guy's ass (this was our Friday night - true story). Ellington already sucked, Richardson will too, Griffin just doesn't look right this year and Johnson is a dice-roll with Houston's penchant for throwing pick-six's. That said, Smith and Weeden scare nobody, so we're not talking any kind of blowout. This is more like watching a white guy win a fight on a world star hip hop video - it's a rare victory, but you still kind of feel bad for witnessing it. Bryan wins uncomfortably.

The North vs. The Lonesome Kicker
Here's the titan match up of the week - between Larry's fountain of youth and Ian's ragtag youngsters. Even with the addition of the ever-inconsistent Decker, I suspect that Larry is carrying the slight advantage in his wide receivers. Where this one might make a difference is in the relatively unproven Foles going against a Dallas defense that can't decide if it sucks or not. Had Larry started Wilson, this might already be a cakewalk, because I still don't trust Cutler, even against a shaky Washington. Since I haven't gone wrong picking old man North so far, I give Larry the victory, but it's super close.

The Chefs vs. The Downs Burns
 The fact that Derek is effectively finished for the year is kind-of mind blowing. Especially considering his lineup really isn't terrible - I suspect that his team goes as Megatron goes. Well this week he's alive and perhaps Doug Martin might also shake some of that sophomore slump. At the very least, neither of those players can be any worse than watching the weaker manning fail his way to a career-worst year (in a long history of some pretty bad years) or see whether Randle has the moxy to steal the starting spot from the annoyingly inconsistent Murray. Another close one, but I'm saying that this is the week you don't pick The Chefs in your secret personal suicide pool.

Fanciful Fantasy Fun Fortunes Week Five 2013

Breesus Christ Superstars vs. Ngata Chance
Even with Drew Brees' (Breezes?) god-like powers, even he'll be tired of carrying the likes of Alex Smith or Darryl Richardson this week. On the other hand, Phillip Rivers found the lazarus pit of throwing skill and has nearly reminded us that long ago he didn't suck - I figure against the Raiders he'll keep reminding us. Factor in my favorite italian running back Giovani and I think we're seeing the ascendance of Ngata Chance.

The North vs. Chewbacca DST
Much like the ending of the last Star Wars movie, the wookies are getting ramroded this year. I can't imagine that's going to stop until Peyton Manning is wounded on the field and his opponent finishes him. Give credit where it's due - Larry's running backs and wide receivers have also played a pretty crucial role in him racking up 350 point weeks. Another nightmare game for the Chewbacca.

The Lonesome Kicker vs. Dirty D
Okay, I think I've called Ian's defeat a couple times and he's wiggled out of it. But, like Bullwinkle, I know this week for sure. It has to happen right? He can't possibly win with an oatmeal brain Pryror or that great singer Bilal. And Dennis can't possibly lose with Rodgers at home and a 27-point lead thanks to Gordon. It'll be close because Tannehill and Mendanhall have more L's in their names than actual talent, but Dennis still secures the upset.

Gone in 30 Minutes vs. The Downs Burns
Funny how a talented fantasy team can suddenly seem ordinary depending on its matchup. The pairing of Ryan and Wayne is the perfect example - relatively speaking, these teams are about even in terms of possible production - for every Romo we have Newton, for every Richardson we have McCoy. However, this week Ryan's team faces Carolina, Seattle and San Fran while Wayne gets Philadelphia, Oakland and the Giants. My hypothesis is that Wayne wins.

The Snoodler vs. The Chefs
Clearly there is something wrong with the world when Derek has yet to win. Perhaps I can do dude a solid and hand him one? This is likely the most even game this week, with maybe a slight advantage to me in wide receivers and that's only because of Graham. If he doesn't get going again this week then my slim hopes go up like roof pizza. I called a win for me last week in a close one and paid the price, so this week I'm playing meta-reverse psychology. Derek wins (or does he?)