Fanciful Fantasy Fun Fortunes Week Seven 2013

The Snoodler vs. Chewbacca DST
Another week, another session of Sunday carpal tunnel syndrome from all the hand-wringing I'll be doing while watching Ray Rice continue his march of futility. Is that any worse than watching Colin Craepernick continue to prove that despite his rugged demeanor and well-organized tattoos that he's still a rookie - or worse - possibly a one-year wonder? On the razor-thin advantage I have at quarterback, I run away slowly from this one.

Dirty D vs Ngata Chance
Even with a 30-point lead, I'm not confident this is Ngata Chance's week. See, five points out of Larry Fitzgerald is abysmal and I'm sure Jeff Gordon will race away with more points than that for Dennis. Factor in the inexplicable decision to start Josh Freeman, whose shittiness is so legendary even he'll make the stone golums that are the giants defense look like the goddamn 85 bears. Then, add a dash of Dennis' team generally being not shitty* (*Spiller kind of being the exception) and we have a situation where Lindsay should just turtle and take the beating. Dirty D wins.

Gone in 30 Minutes vs. Breesus Christ Superstar
Ryan's Sunday lineup is scarier than watching a midget do the worm and then bite a guy's ass (this was our Friday night - true story). Ellington already sucked, Richardson will too, Griffin just doesn't look right this year and Johnson is a dice-roll with Houston's penchant for throwing pick-six's. That said, Smith and Weeden scare nobody, so we're not talking any kind of blowout. This is more like watching a white guy win a fight on a world star hip hop video - it's a rare victory, but you still kind of feel bad for witnessing it. Bryan wins uncomfortably.

The North vs. The Lonesome Kicker
Here's the titan match up of the week - between Larry's fountain of youth and Ian's ragtag youngsters. Even with the addition of the ever-inconsistent Decker, I suspect that Larry is carrying the slight advantage in his wide receivers. Where this one might make a difference is in the relatively unproven Foles going against a Dallas defense that can't decide if it sucks or not. Had Larry started Wilson, this might already be a cakewalk, because I still don't trust Cutler, even against a shaky Washington. Since I haven't gone wrong picking old man North so far, I give Larry the victory, but it's super close.

The Chefs vs. The Downs Burns
 The fact that Derek is effectively finished for the year is kind-of mind blowing. Especially considering his lineup really isn't terrible - I suspect that his team goes as Megatron goes. Well this week he's alive and perhaps Doug Martin might also shake some of that sophomore slump. At the very least, neither of those players can be any worse than watching the weaker manning fail his way to a career-worst year (in a long history of some pretty bad years) or see whether Randle has the moxy to steal the starting spot from the annoyingly inconsistent Murray. Another close one, but I'm saying that this is the week you don't pick The Chefs in your secret personal suicide pool.