Fanciful Fantasy Fun Fortunes Week Twelve 2013

The Snoodler vs. The North
Not only did Ray Rice pretty much ruin my fantasy season, but afterwards he flew up to Calgary and had sex with my mother while pouring sugar in my gas tank. If I have any hope left it's because I suspect our fantasy season is longer than last year (weren't playoffs in week 13 and 14?) and everybody else is shitting the collective bed. This is another critical win for either Larry or me and arguably it's going to be close. Sure Denver puts up a lot of points, but they also surrender a lot and the Patriots get the home advantage. With Rice relegated to my bench forever, here's hoping either Stacy or Jennings make something of themselves. I'm feeling oddly optimistic, despite my team's general unpredictability - I fail upwards to a win this week.

Dirty D vs. The Chefs
Now that we run our failure fantasy playoffs concurrently with the winning one, this game also imports some actual meaning for either player. Could one of these teams climb out of the basement and secure that coveted number eight spot, thus giving themselves the illusion that next year also won't be a total wash. Keenum and Tolzein cancel each other out as they both play horribly inept teams. Stafford definitely gets the better hand in a renewed, but shaky Tampa Bay. That said, Dennis is carrying way more potential in Bush and Brown. Then again, Johnson seems a much surer shot of decent points than the pathetic twelve Colston put up. They tied last time they played, and in a perfect universe, they'll tie again.

Breesus Christ Superstars vs. the Downs Burns
Wayne's win last week gave him some breathing space, but he's not out of the woods yet. Facing the number one team (despite losing last week), he already has a hill to climb in that Brees put up good numbers on Thursday - numbers I suspect Jason Campbell won't come close to matching. Factor in that Shady McCoy is out and he'll have to rely on Stewart not getting all his carries robbed by a greedy Cam Newton. Wayne's team might normally be a Lambo, but McCoy is the engine. On the other side of the aisle, Bryan has Charles playing a continually suspect San Diego and a renewed Donald Brown proving his high pick wasn't a throwaway. Bryan doesn't even need the win since his team is probably going to safely make the playoffs anyway, but he I think he'll take it anyway.

Gone in 30 Minutes vs. The Lonesome Kicker
Like Bryan, I'd be surprised if Ian's team faced so strong a meltdown that he fell out of the playoffs. But if he was going to start falling apart, this week would be the time to do it. Considering nearly all of his team decided to take a one week vacation, Ian's team is nearly unrecognizable this week. He'll have to hope beyond hope that the Raiders muster some kind of defensive threat or that Rainey isn't just a case of lightning striking once. Ryan isn't carrying the same kind of problems this week and has mostly dependable members like Romo or Lacy or Johnson facing pretty porous defenses. That cushion Ian's perched on gets a little more uncomfortable as Ryan climbs the fantasy ladder.

Ngata Chance vs. Chewbacca DST
Fantasy purgatory is a funny place to be - not enough wins to climb back into the playoff hunt, but not enough losses to really feel threatened about falling into the fantasy basement either. Thomas Pynchon would be proud - so much entropy in two team's predicaments. Well somebody has to win and seeing how Fitpatrick gets lousy Oakland and Rotlisberger will get beaten up by a pretty scary Cleveland - that tips the QB scale to Lindsay. Paul obviously takes the RBs, which leaves a pretty equal set of WRs - for every Amendola there's a Tavon Austin. So who takes this one then? What secret ingredient reveals to us this week our winner? I'm going to say that the secret sauce for Paul's win is that the Lions have a better game defensively than Lindsay's precious Ravens will in facing Paul's favorite team. It's like Macbeth, but with football players, or something.

Fanciful Fantasy Fun Fortunes Week Eleven 2013

The Snoodler vs. The Lonesome Kicker
I think Ian owes the entire league a huge apology.........for trading for Joe Flacco...that guy sucks, and by trading for him you've both legitimized Lindsay's fanboyism and elevated his non-worth in our league. As for the rest of your quarterbacks, even a quiet night for Luck is better than most good nights for Brady lately. I really want to say that I have a chance, but Brady against a formidable Carolina defense spells trouble, never mind the rest of my team which is madly average. I need this win badly, but I suspect the win that need will actually be the loss I deserve.

The Chefs vs. Breesus Christ Superstars
You know a team has given up when they're starting J.R.R. Tolkien at quarterback. If there's a bright spot in Derek's disastrous season it's that he has a million draft picks for next year. Hopefully, with a reinvigorated Muscle Hamster and those many picks we'll see a rejuvenated Chefs next year. As for this one, particularly this week,. it's a no contest; Bryan strolls all over Derek's depleted corps/corpse.

The North vs. Ngata Chance
For those of us fighting desperately for a playoff spot there's nothing worse than seeing your opponent play someone else's porcelain doll collection. That said, oddly Lindsay's firesale crew still seem kind of dangerous, given that Fitzpatrick had an okay day and Fleener put up decent points. Seeing as Larry's pet pony Peyton gets his toughest test this week, plus the need to start Woodhead, I think we've got a reasonably close battle this week. It'll depend on Lynch eating the Vikings lunch and Fitzgerald showing up against Jacksonville, but I think they can do it. Somehow Lindsay's team improves this week - call it addition by subtraction.

Gone in 30 Minutes vs. Dirty D
The fact that Dennis made a trade this late in the game shows two things, he either has the fantasy that his fantasy football team has a chance this year (fantaception), or he's already prepping for next year by collecting talented football players (that he'll inevitably have to trade or drop). I'm guessing it's the former, but still it was kind of an inexplicable move. The big question is will it pay off this week? The short answer is no. With Palmer back against an atrocious defense and Ellington running all over JAX, there's no hope for the likes of Dalton against a sturdy Cleveland or a newly returned Brown against Green Bay. It's competitively close, but Ryan wins.

The Downs Burns vs. Chewbacca DST
 Though Paul is down, I'd say he's not completely out. This game is a make or break for both participants. Wayne needs to keep winning to hang onto that last spot, while Paul and the rest of us need him to lose to have a chance to slip into the playoffs - midnight stealth style. Largely, this depends on which Kaepernick Paul gets - the rest of his team is alright this week - it's just whether the tattooed wonder will actually show up this week. If he does, even just a bit, it should be enough to render Wayne's usually formidable squad that's beset by bye weeks into a delicious brisket. My guess it that he does, and thus Paul dines on Wayne like I'd dine on mac and cheese at the Palomino.

Fanciful Fantasy Fun Fortunes Week Ten 2013

The Lonesome Kicker vs. Ngata Chance
In a year where consistent running back production has been scarce, Ian has the fortune of having one of the most reliable products on the field. Having watched the Thursday game, I can't help but be impressed that Peterson manages to get points almost despite his team being bathed in futility. That running back head start is going to help because I think it's the sole difference-maker this week: all being said, the rest of the matchups are fairy even with two unproven QBs, solid receivers and alright running backs. Ian farts out a win this week.

The Chefs vs. Gone in 30 Minutes
I imagine at some point today Ryan will be staring at his computer, veins popping out of his neck, licking his dry chapped lips like some kind of junkie or mayor, and whispering to Derek, or nobody, or Jesus, or God depending on which testament you want to invest in - and saying come on man, I need this. Not even the great Hare Krishna could revive Derek's team, so Ryan needs to hope that Stafford or Dalton have ordinary weeks again. If they do - which I'm betting they will - Ryan will poop out a win this week.

Chewbacca DST vs. Breesus Christ Superstars
Here's the real test. Paul's buzzed through a few pretenders in the past couples weeks to turn his moribund team into something relevant. Now, he gets Bryan, our shining golden fantasy pool boy - all dazzling blonde hair and thigh-displaying 70's athletic shorts. Well, only one of you has a legitimate quarterback in Brees; however, Fred Jackson and Donald Brown are effectively time share running backs who simply can't match either Morris or Johnson's playing time. Receivers are a wash, so this is a straight-up head to head - I'm going to say Paul takes it on momentum alone.

The Snoodler vs. Dirty D
It's a good thing I stashed EJ Manuel basically all year so that I could finally play him this week. Nevermind how many other guys I probably gave up - now I can finally justify to myself why I drafted him and kept him when he had absolutely no value. Well this is it. Whoever wins this game keeps their thread of a chance; the loser gets to take their ball and go home. Ryan has a tough matchup, but he's somewhat proven over Keenum who gets a slightly easier defense.Both Manuel and Spiller get the worst defense in the NFL. Here's hoping Dennis doesn't pick up a wide receiver and the difference is whatever that extra guy would've scored. I win and get to keep partying.

 The Downs Burn vs. The North
This is like the opposite game of the previous matchup - two teams that need a win - but not to slip into the playoffs, but to not fall out of them. Despite having the Manning and Wilson tandem, that's three losses Larry's accumulated. My guess is that he's got a better chance of turning it around this week because Wayne has to start Jake Foot Locker, and even Newton will struggle against San Francisco at home. The rest of the matchups are close with a slight nod to wayne in receivers - though Steven Stills really rounds out those multi-part harmonies. On the slight strength at quarterback, I saw Larry recovers from his nosedive.

Fanciful Fantasy Fun Fortunes Week Nine 2013

The Snoodler vs. The Chefs
How the false mighty have fallen - let me tell you grandchildren, there was a time when the leaves were still green when a mighty team called the Snoodlers roamed the earth at 2-0, but then winter came and the hearts of good men froze, and with it, the Snoodlers disappeared into the woods of mediocre seasons, never to be seen again. The Chefs are the champion to choose this week.

Gone in 30 Mintues vs. Chewbacca DST
With the resurgence of Paul's team, suddenly these matchups of middling records make all the difference. Anything past five losses puts any team at a serious disadvantage of making the top five so a win this week for either is crucial. Ryan has a clear QB advantage, but Paul's RBs are better and the WRs are roughly equal with the exception that Mike Wallace actually did something and Amendola can't tie his shoelaces without hurting himself - and that's sadly the difference-maker here - Ryan squeezes by this week.

The Lonesome Kicker vs. Dirty D
Bye weeks have been a real bitch for Ian - they've turned a normally sturdy fantasy team inside out - and this week continues the trend. With the likes of Moreno, Decker and Cruz tunnelling their noses through mountains of cocaine this weekend, Miller has to ride Tolbert and Heward-Bey - poster children of barely there football. Dennis also has to replace some players, but the decline is clearly not as steep as Thomas and Jones are dependable replacements, if only for a week. Miller's team continues to take a fantasy beating.

Ngata Chance vs. Downs Burns
This up and down season is the most entertaining of roller coasters, and while some winners are now suffering, some people who struggled out of the gate are now seeing success. Take Wayne for instance - with Newton's annual slow start over, his team is truly looking good - even Manning's general shittiness is not as bad now. That said, Lindsay isn't hit quite as hard with bye weeks and only loses Jones Drew and Fitzgerald, not exactly players to weep about. Other than the wildcard with Geno Smith, the rest of team is reasonably solid, especially when playing a guy with only one running back. It's a close one because Wayne's ceiling is higher, but he's hurt by the lack of running backs - Lindsay wins.

Breesus Christ Superstars vs The North
Now the younger Miller takes on unsteady Larry in another important who's moving up and who's moving down matchup. Without Manning, Larry team is clearly not the same - and if it was any other opponent, he'd probably have a chance since the rest of his team isn't bad. That said, the rest of Bryan's team other than decent QBs is pretty good, if not great of late. While it's no walk in the park, I think Bryan's team goes all Mighty Morphin on Larry this week.