Dear Mr. Fantasy – Season-end report
Man what a shitshow - this season will forever be remembered as RIP running backs. This year was less a contest of luck and skill, and more a grueling show of determination as in who could eke out the most points out of a meager pool of free agents in a 12-team league. It'll be fun next year to see the laundry list of injured marquee players we all drafted with our hopes held high. Anyway, that's enough hot air out of my prune shoot, let's see how we fared.
Gotham Batmen
If there's one team I'm glad didn't make the playoffs, it's Larry's because I don't like him much, but yours would be a close second. Not because I don't like you (I don't even know you) but because your team in the last few weeks was scary good. Most of that falls to Russell Wilson and his 16 touchdowns in the last four weeks. I mean the rest of your team was okay, but Wilson's 50-70 points per week is a hard thing to contend with; good thing we don't have to.
The Lonesome Kicker
As predicted, Ian's team performed well. Part of that can be attributed to the fact his top players didn't get injured like everybody else's, and he found enough depth in free agency. Barring some great Jenga-misplaying level of collapse, I'll make the super risky call that he takes it all this year.
Manning Face
Booyaka. Bryan's team did end up in the middle of the pack. Thanks to Luck's squirrely organs, you had to scramble for a backup and didn't really get what you paid for in your QB. It was less Luck's under-performing and more your over-paying for him and being stuck with an average cast that was really your downfall this year. Lesson learned: never love anyone ever. Or something.
The Chefs
Derek's team fell victim to the great RB wipeout of 2015 and never really recovered. After Hyde had one good game and then died, your team fell into a tailspin of 1-4. By the time you found your footing with backup RBs, it was a pretty steep climb back into the standings. Some ugly girls can't dance. Or something.
Auto-pick awesomeness
As predicted angry Brady was a boon to your squad. But you also had the kyptonite version of Eddie Lacy this year who was softer than a baby goose's feather gently landing on a crate of freshly unpacked Charmin. Your receivers (and Philly in general) was committed to full suckage which left your squad in the no man's land of almost .500 but not really. Maybe you can pull it out next year - get it? A dentist joke! Or something.
Dirty D
Well here's the I can be wrong award of the year. Another team with a kind of shaky start that erupted into a scary squad. If there's one group who can give Ian trouble, it's yours. Fortunately I don't have to play you in the playoffs because it's a pretty sure bet I'd lose. The only caveat there is that Ian's best players have great matchups this weekend and yours don't, but that's why we play the game.
Gone in 30 minutes
The injury bug butt-fucked you and didn't have the courtesy to give you a pillow to bite on. Not much to say here, a good team in theory, but one that hit a pretty hard injury wall. Some people luck out picking up guys in free agency, but your replacements didn't do much replacing. There's an obscure Keanu Reeves joke in here about that football movie with Gene Hackman, but maybe it's just funnier explaining where I'd headed with this joke and then I just trail off like this...
InstantFace (Russell Wilson's Bird)
Arguably your team was alright, but man you got walloped at the beginning of the season facing some of the highest scoring teams. An 0-4 start pretty much killed any momentum, and Rothlisberger (RIP and revival) and Forsett's (before he died) inconsistency didn't help matters. Though it didn't help your record, every player you picked up that we dropped seemed to do better. I guess there's consolation in being the rescue foundation for lost fantasy players.
Ngata Chance
Another kinda wrong pick, but in my defense, Lindsay's team is barely recognizable now from the start of the season. His is the spirit animal of this year - what you can't draft, you make with desperate hustle or blind luck in the free agent pool. If Cam Newton continues being dominate through the air like weeks of past, then it's a safe bet I'll eat a loss this weekend. If not, then it's a bit more even. Likely you'll top my team and end up a solid number two this year.
The North
Speaking of solid number twos, Larry's team was predictably a ziplock bag of shit, i.e, it was transparently shit from first view, and upon being opened during the season, proved to be as smelly as predicted. This would be the I was right award in that Manning was thoroughly mediocre until he injured himself shrugging or grimacing or putting on his face mask thingy wrong or really all three and the Eagles have been a disaster this year, even if they're kinda still in the playoff hunt thanks to the hapless NFC East.
Brady’s Helm of Deflation
Shane has the worst team of the year as we all assumed he would. If there's a saving grace, you were barely the worst team of the year, but that's like barely being the most retarded kid in school. Not a moral victory you want to shout to the heavens (especially because retards should be seen and not heard). Sorry if anybody knows any retards. Or something.
Ha Ha Clinton Dix
Fortunately for me, my wide receivers turned out better than expected. And then they died or were traded (and then died). That's because my running back Bell decided to show everyone the backwards knee maneuver. I kind of lucked out with Dion Lewis (for a while, until he also died - see a trend here). Like Lindsay, my team in no way resembles what I drafted, so I can't place my good fortunes on any kind of insight. It's more just pure anxiety I'm running on with a team held together by Popsicle sticks and delicious white classroom glue. As usual when I make the playoffs, I'll end up in third or fourth - it's like my jam now.
Tuesday, December 15, 2015
Thursday, September 10, 2015
2015 Pre-Season Report
Dear Mr. Fantasy – Pre-season report
Asides from my quarterly pubic hair sculpting sessions, for me, this is the most exciting time of the year. Especially during pre-season, when we’re all bright-eyed for our fantasy futures (except Shane...sorry).
We’re like new students filled with vigour and enthusiasm. We naively believe the world is good and fair. And like the broken husks we’ve become in adulthood, for most of us, our fresh-faced fantasy teams will turn out looking like Lance Armstrong’s lazily shaven gouch – battered, flaky, shameful and probably missing something. By the lightning bolts etched above my crotch, I wish you all the best of luck (except Shane...sorry).
Gotham Batmen
I don’t think it would be unfair to say that your quarterbacks are likely to run for more yards than your running backs this year; don’t misunderstand me, it’s not that I think they’re that good; it’s that I think your RBs are that bad. And with a middling crew of WRs, let’s squarely say that your team will end up somewhere ahead of Shane’s shame, but not much higher. Hopefully you can use those imaginary draft bucks to drown your sorrows.
The Lonesome Kicker
It’s a testament to our shared futility that we let Ian essentially draft the number one position for RB, QB, WR and perhaps TE. Maybe the secret to draft success is not soaking in our collective stupidity on Ryan’s deck. Arguably, your team isn’t the deepest bunch, but you have a good core of likely top-five players. So cross your fingers they don’t get hurt or hit any children with trees like some goddamn weird southern Incredible Hulk and we might be seeing you come playoff time.
Manning Face
Bryan’s got a hard bunch to judge – by all accounts they are super average. Luck’s a clear number one, but the rest of the crew could fall anywhere between top 10 player and out of the top 30. I’ve consulted my imaginary-for-this-joke tarot cards and they fictionally tell me that your team’s gonna win some and lose some – about what you’d expect for this even-Steven bunch. Let’s stick with theme then and say you’ll end up in the middle of the pack.
The Chefs
Derek’s draft was alright, if not a bit better than average. But, like in past years, your trading prowess is what really gets your team to compete. In this case, the combined incompetence of Lindsay and Dennis has been to your benefit. Asides from a somewhat suspect group of RBs that could either be totally boom or bust, you have a streaky QB who puts up a lot of fantasy points and one of the best set of starting WRs. If one of those running backs turns out, then we’ll be seeing you in the top six teams – with maybe a sniff at the post-season.
Auto-pick awesomeness
I don’t know who Tom Brady had to OTPHJ (that’s Over the Pants Handjob for those of us in the know) to get that judgement, but it immediately rewards Archie’s lineup. That said, if Bradford can both stay healthy and not be terrible, he might actually have the better year – as least theoretically – I’m kind of hoping Philly implodes because it would be amazingly entertaining. You’re carrying a solid crew – like a Bryan’s team but slightly better in every aspect. You’ll win some and lose some, but probably take a couple of close ones to sneak into the top six.
Dirty D
As with every year we do these drafts, there’s always some foolishness that invades our mental space – and we invariably get hyped on someone we should really be looking at more soberly. Case in point, Eli Manning. Does he have some decent WRs – sure. Is he Eli Manning – also sure. The former point does not change the latter. Add that to your starting RB who’s Forte is getting older and slower and we’re talking a probably 7-10 spot. Your saving grace is Thomas and Johnson, but even I’m not as high on them this year – I think they’re likely to see lower career totals – it’s not their fault though – I just don’t trust their quarterbacks.
Gone in 30 minutes
Clearly there were winners (except Shane...sorry) and losers in our first inaugural auction draft. We can firmly put Ryan in the winners camp since, like a greedy office mate who only eats the square caramels out of the box of chocolates, he picked the best and left us with the repulsive candied cherries. Like Ian, Ryan is sporting a probable top five group of starters in Romo, Lynch and Brown. I’d venture to say that Ryan might be a lock as a top three considering his depth is slightly better with Cobb and Harvin. Plus, if Colemand heats up (get it...get it?) this team might be rolling.
InstantFace
Paul and I probably had the same draft strategy, but he executed his better – which isn’t hard when I’m picking up $1 players. Except for maybe Heath Miller who unfortunately doesn’t get points for being a great blocker, the rest of this team is as solid as a post-camping dump. If Ben can stay healthy, he has the tools to produce and Forsett and Anderson are fantastic PPR running backs. Thanks to Larry’s homer-isms, Paul also got an upgrade at WR with Hilton who frankly has somebody who can throw him the ball, unlike Sanders. Depth’s a concern, but that’s a given in a 12 team league. A top four spot is probable if Paul’s luck holds out.
Ngata Chance
Linday’s somewhat fortunate that Derek took pity on him, and at least made this season salvageable after a disastrous auction draft. That’s not to say that Allen or Bryant are going to light the world on fire, but at least this team has some WRs now. Will it be enough? That’s a different question and the answer is no. Brees is always a fashionable pick, but he hasn’t been the same world-beater of years past – and an aging Colston and lack of Graham is not going to make him better. Charles is always great, but Martin’s only made good on one year. And with the aforementioned average at best WRs, we’re looking at a long year that lands somewhere in the bottom half of the league.
The North
If this were say bizarro world, where we awarded more points to the backups of actual players, then perhaps Larry’s team would have a fighting chance. The fact he’s start two eagles at running back this week should tell you something of this team’s impending woes. And that’s not even touching on the all-too-clear hitching of the proverbial wagon to the Broncos offensive performance. Five guys? Jesus man, my day old Olive Garden spaghetti is firmer than Peyton Manning’s follow-through. You’re one good hit from watching ol’ Squinty McRubber Arm get powerfucked into retirement. I’ll give you kudos for trying something novel, but it’s probably gonna put you in the bottom half for this year.
Brady’s Helm of Deflation
The real fault of Shane’s draft does not lie with him explicitly. Instead, Shane’s real mistake was assuming that our collective hearts are not filled with inmost unrepentant darkness. We are a dastardly bunch who aren’t afraid to leg-drop a guy (or my favourite: Razor’s Edge) a guy when he’s down. With that said, I see Shane is starting his injured draftees, so many he’s turning his team into some kind of art installation this year. Perhaps he’s turning a mirror back on us, to show us the misery we’ve inflicted on his poor soul. I hope that’s what he’s doing – Shane is painting a tapestry of fantasy futility and his medium is Jordy Nelson. You could lose every game this year – but probably won’t – probably against me, knowing my luck and lacklustre team.
Ha Ha Clinton Dix
What I do have is probably a top 10 QB and RB. What I don’t have is everything else. Asides from drafting the eminent Morgan Spurlock from Supersize Me fame (and only for a dollar to boot), I didn’t do a whole heck of a lot with my WRs. Fortunately, I drafted a bunch of the same receivers, so at least they’re consistent in their average-ness. My fortune’s are mostly running on Bell (when he plays) and Ryan. Beyond that, I theoretically have guys who catch a lot in Bernard, Spiller and Ellington – but we’ll see if they actually play a lot. My lack of picks at the end didn’t really hurt me, but my lack of getting a top 10 WR did – unless I unearth one miraculously in free agency, I’m destined for middle to lower in the pack.
Asides from my quarterly pubic hair sculpting sessions, for me, this is the most exciting time of the year. Especially during pre-season, when we’re all bright-eyed for our fantasy futures (except Shane...sorry).
We’re like new students filled with vigour and enthusiasm. We naively believe the world is good and fair. And like the broken husks we’ve become in adulthood, for most of us, our fresh-faced fantasy teams will turn out looking like Lance Armstrong’s lazily shaven gouch – battered, flaky, shameful and probably missing something. By the lightning bolts etched above my crotch, I wish you all the best of luck (except Shane...sorry).
Gotham Batmen
I don’t think it would be unfair to say that your quarterbacks are likely to run for more yards than your running backs this year; don’t misunderstand me, it’s not that I think they’re that good; it’s that I think your RBs are that bad. And with a middling crew of WRs, let’s squarely say that your team will end up somewhere ahead of Shane’s shame, but not much higher. Hopefully you can use those imaginary draft bucks to drown your sorrows.
The Lonesome Kicker
It’s a testament to our shared futility that we let Ian essentially draft the number one position for RB, QB, WR and perhaps TE. Maybe the secret to draft success is not soaking in our collective stupidity on Ryan’s deck. Arguably, your team isn’t the deepest bunch, but you have a good core of likely top-five players. So cross your fingers they don’t get hurt or hit any children with trees like some goddamn weird southern Incredible Hulk and we might be seeing you come playoff time.
Manning Face
Bryan’s got a hard bunch to judge – by all accounts they are super average. Luck’s a clear number one, but the rest of the crew could fall anywhere between top 10 player and out of the top 30. I’ve consulted my imaginary-for-this-joke tarot cards and they fictionally tell me that your team’s gonna win some and lose some – about what you’d expect for this even-Steven bunch. Let’s stick with theme then and say you’ll end up in the middle of the pack.
The Chefs
Derek’s draft was alright, if not a bit better than average. But, like in past years, your trading prowess is what really gets your team to compete. In this case, the combined incompetence of Lindsay and Dennis has been to your benefit. Asides from a somewhat suspect group of RBs that could either be totally boom or bust, you have a streaky QB who puts up a lot of fantasy points and one of the best set of starting WRs. If one of those running backs turns out, then we’ll be seeing you in the top six teams – with maybe a sniff at the post-season.
Auto-pick awesomeness
I don’t know who Tom Brady had to OTPHJ (that’s Over the Pants Handjob for those of us in the know) to get that judgement, but it immediately rewards Archie’s lineup. That said, if Bradford can both stay healthy and not be terrible, he might actually have the better year – as least theoretically – I’m kind of hoping Philly implodes because it would be amazingly entertaining. You’re carrying a solid crew – like a Bryan’s team but slightly better in every aspect. You’ll win some and lose some, but probably take a couple of close ones to sneak into the top six.
Dirty D
As with every year we do these drafts, there’s always some foolishness that invades our mental space – and we invariably get hyped on someone we should really be looking at more soberly. Case in point, Eli Manning. Does he have some decent WRs – sure. Is he Eli Manning – also sure. The former point does not change the latter. Add that to your starting RB who’s Forte is getting older and slower and we’re talking a probably 7-10 spot. Your saving grace is Thomas and Johnson, but even I’m not as high on them this year – I think they’re likely to see lower career totals – it’s not their fault though – I just don’t trust their quarterbacks.
Gone in 30 minutes
Clearly there were winners (except Shane...sorry) and losers in our first inaugural auction draft. We can firmly put Ryan in the winners camp since, like a greedy office mate who only eats the square caramels out of the box of chocolates, he picked the best and left us with the repulsive candied cherries. Like Ian, Ryan is sporting a probable top five group of starters in Romo, Lynch and Brown. I’d venture to say that Ryan might be a lock as a top three considering his depth is slightly better with Cobb and Harvin. Plus, if Colemand heats up (get it...get it?) this team might be rolling.
InstantFace
Paul and I probably had the same draft strategy, but he executed his better – which isn’t hard when I’m picking up $1 players. Except for maybe Heath Miller who unfortunately doesn’t get points for being a great blocker, the rest of this team is as solid as a post-camping dump. If Ben can stay healthy, he has the tools to produce and Forsett and Anderson are fantastic PPR running backs. Thanks to Larry’s homer-isms, Paul also got an upgrade at WR with Hilton who frankly has somebody who can throw him the ball, unlike Sanders. Depth’s a concern, but that’s a given in a 12 team league. A top four spot is probable if Paul’s luck holds out.
Ngata Chance
Linday’s somewhat fortunate that Derek took pity on him, and at least made this season salvageable after a disastrous auction draft. That’s not to say that Allen or Bryant are going to light the world on fire, but at least this team has some WRs now. Will it be enough? That’s a different question and the answer is no. Brees is always a fashionable pick, but he hasn’t been the same world-beater of years past – and an aging Colston and lack of Graham is not going to make him better. Charles is always great, but Martin’s only made good on one year. And with the aforementioned average at best WRs, we’re looking at a long year that lands somewhere in the bottom half of the league.
The North
If this were say bizarro world, where we awarded more points to the backups of actual players, then perhaps Larry’s team would have a fighting chance. The fact he’s start two eagles at running back this week should tell you something of this team’s impending woes. And that’s not even touching on the all-too-clear hitching of the proverbial wagon to the Broncos offensive performance. Five guys? Jesus man, my day old Olive Garden spaghetti is firmer than Peyton Manning’s follow-through. You’re one good hit from watching ol’ Squinty McRubber Arm get powerfucked into retirement. I’ll give you kudos for trying something novel, but it’s probably gonna put you in the bottom half for this year.
Brady’s Helm of Deflation
The real fault of Shane’s draft does not lie with him explicitly. Instead, Shane’s real mistake was assuming that our collective hearts are not filled with inmost unrepentant darkness. We are a dastardly bunch who aren’t afraid to leg-drop a guy (or my favourite: Razor’s Edge) a guy when he’s down. With that said, I see Shane is starting his injured draftees, so many he’s turning his team into some kind of art installation this year. Perhaps he’s turning a mirror back on us, to show us the misery we’ve inflicted on his poor soul. I hope that’s what he’s doing – Shane is painting a tapestry of fantasy futility and his medium is Jordy Nelson. You could lose every game this year – but probably won’t – probably against me, knowing my luck and lacklustre team.
Ha Ha Clinton Dix
What I do have is probably a top 10 QB and RB. What I don’t have is everything else. Asides from drafting the eminent Morgan Spurlock from Supersize Me fame (and only for a dollar to boot), I didn’t do a whole heck of a lot with my WRs. Fortunately, I drafted a bunch of the same receivers, so at least they’re consistent in their average-ness. My fortune’s are mostly running on Bell (when he plays) and Ryan. Beyond that, I theoretically have guys who catch a lot in Bernard, Spiller and Ellington – but we’ll see if they actually play a lot. My lack of picks at the end didn’t really hurt me, but my lack of getting a top 10 WR did – unless I unearth one miraculously in free agency, I’m destined for middle to lower in the pack.
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Fanciful Fantasy Fortunes Playoffs Week One
The Snoodler vs. Breesus Christ Superstars
Well last week, I figured Bryan had my number, but I was wrong. This week I figure again Bryan will have my number and I don't think I'll be wrong a second time. Unlike last week, Bryan's players get a smorgasbord of Oakland, Jacksonville, Detroit and the Giants. With opposition like that Bryan's should have a pretty strong showing. I get some crummy teams too - but just not as many of them - and with Gronk out, Brady's numbers will probably return back to earth. Bryan moves on.
The Lonesome Kicker vs. The North
If this was poker, I'd say Thursday night already tipped this hand. Considering Peyton had a good, but not great showing, I'd say Larry already has an uphill climb this weekend. Though Ian also sports some under-performing Denver players, I think both Foles and Luck are likely to garner a solid chunk of points. I'm no fan of Mendenhall, but he's no worse than an injured and inconsistent Tate. I like Wilson, but suspect the Seahawks will run a lot which really will only benefit Ian's defense. In the end, it will be close because neither team's going to put up it's normal production, but Peyton's only average performance will let Ian slip into the playoffs.
Ngata Chance vs. Gone in 30 Minutes
It took a while, but Linsday's team finally came around this year - unfortunately it's a couple weeks too late - and means he's competing in the wrong bracket. Ryan remained on the fringes, but just couldn't close the deal, so now he's get a shot at the number one pick too. But hey no regerts right? Two decent teams with some good matchups - Lacy should shoulder charge his way through a weak Dallas and Lynch will feast on the Giants. The receivers are about equal too - with maybe the exception that Cameron will likely roll with more points than Fleener. I'll give Romo the benefit of the doubt against a shaky Green Bay and say Ryan squeezes out a win.
The Downs Burns vs. Dirty D
In what could only be described as a spectacular meltdown, Wayne's team went from constant competitor to starving orphan sadly eying the wares from outside the candy store's windowpane. Well, can we expect the same result this week? I suspect the answer is yes since Dennis' team has been on a tear through these last few weeks. Plus, there's nothing to suggest (McCoy being the exception) that Wayne's painful-to-watch nose dive won't continue. Campbell is average at best and Nicks won't even see the ball against the Seahawks. Besides, Jeffrey and Gordon are just as likely to put up another 150 points this week. Toss in a suddenly hot Dalton and Tannehill and we've got a case of two teams in motion, both up and down, remaining in motion. Dennis takes it.
Well last week, I figured Bryan had my number, but I was wrong. This week I figure again Bryan will have my number and I don't think I'll be wrong a second time. Unlike last week, Bryan's players get a smorgasbord of Oakland, Jacksonville, Detroit and the Giants. With opposition like that Bryan's should have a pretty strong showing. I get some crummy teams too - but just not as many of them - and with Gronk out, Brady's numbers will probably return back to earth. Bryan moves on.
The Lonesome Kicker vs. The North
If this was poker, I'd say Thursday night already tipped this hand. Considering Peyton had a good, but not great showing, I'd say Larry already has an uphill climb this weekend. Though Ian also sports some under-performing Denver players, I think both Foles and Luck are likely to garner a solid chunk of points. I'm no fan of Mendenhall, but he's no worse than an injured and inconsistent Tate. I like Wilson, but suspect the Seahawks will run a lot which really will only benefit Ian's defense. In the end, it will be close because neither team's going to put up it's normal production, but Peyton's only average performance will let Ian slip into the playoffs.
Ngata Chance vs. Gone in 30 Minutes
It took a while, but Linsday's team finally came around this year - unfortunately it's a couple weeks too late - and means he's competing in the wrong bracket. Ryan remained on the fringes, but just couldn't close the deal, so now he's get a shot at the number one pick too. But hey no regerts right? Two decent teams with some good matchups - Lacy should shoulder charge his way through a weak Dallas and Lynch will feast on the Giants. The receivers are about equal too - with maybe the exception that Cameron will likely roll with more points than Fleener. I'll give Romo the benefit of the doubt against a shaky Green Bay and say Ryan squeezes out a win.
The Downs Burns vs. Dirty D
In what could only be described as a spectacular meltdown, Wayne's team went from constant competitor to starving orphan sadly eying the wares from outside the candy store's windowpane. Well, can we expect the same result this week? I suspect the answer is yes since Dennis' team has been on a tear through these last few weeks. Plus, there's nothing to suggest (McCoy being the exception) that Wayne's painful-to-watch nose dive won't continue. Campbell is average at best and Nicks won't even see the ball against the Seahawks. Besides, Jeffrey and Gordon are just as likely to put up another 150 points this week. Toss in a suddenly hot Dalton and Tannehill and we've got a case of two teams in motion, both up and down, remaining in motion. Dennis takes it.
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Fanciful Fantasy Fun Fortunes Week Thirteen
Chewbacca DST vs. Lonesome Kicker
Picture that you're in a physics class, and your young and charismatic teacher is speaking about how things in motion tend to stay in motion. A naive student puts up a tentative hand and asks how that could be. Ah, he says, strolling over to his blackboard. Let me know you, he says. He thing swivels the blackboard vertically, revealing his example. Why it's Ian and Paul's teams - two groups that prove once you move in a direction, you stay moving in it. Man, that was a really lame and extended metaphor for saying that Ian's likely to win, no matter what favourable matchups Paul carries into the weekend.
Ngata Chance vs. The Chefs
The fantasy siren is a cruel mistress - sometimes she rewards you with many winning years, the respect of your peers, and better yet, their hard-earned money. Sometimes she beckons you to shore only to dash your fantasy group on the rocks. In tenth place, Derek has essentially nothing to play for - but that won't stop him from being an easy out. The mighty Flynn gets a pretty lousy Atlanta team, and while Philadelphia can score - they also can be scored against. That said, Lindsay already got more production out of Jones-Drew than can normally be expected and Rivers should have a field day with the Giants. It'll be the small things the Ravens getting Minny that make the difference here - Lindsay eats Derek's lunch on a close one.
The Snoodler vs. Breesus Christ Superstars
Look Ray Rice, we haven't exactly had the best relationship this year. It started with you spurning me with lackadaisical play - and I responded, unfairly or not, by letting you ride the pine in favor of younger, potentially more talented running backs. But, that's water under the bridge now. I need your help this week to (improbably) have a shot at the playoffs. Look, you are playing Minnesota - they are terrible against the run. Your team desperately needs your talent to win the game. I promise to stop cursing you, your family, your height, all of the things you ever loved - if, in return, you can maybe not completely suck this week. If Ray listens, I win. More likely though , Bryan wins.
The North vs. Dirty D
Despite being out of it, Dennis' team is putting together a tidy little streak to close out the year. The question is, will he continue streaking and play spoiler to Larry's fading fantasy chances? Well, it helps that Ben Tate was ineffective on Thursday and that Wilson will face an angry 49ers at home this weekend. Add in the fact that Dalton plays a struggling Colts and Tannehill finally remembered not to suck as of the last couple weeks. Actually, a lot of Dennis' players are running red hot, including both Jeffery and Gordon, who basically beat Wayne last week by themselves. Peyton always makes for a dangerous play, but against the Titans, it's likely they get an early lead and run the ball. It makes for good football sense, but not so much for fantasy fortunes - in this case, Larry's treasure comes up empty. Dennis spoils.
The Downs Burns vs. Gone in 30 Minutes
I haven't done the calculations, but I'm relatively certain that this game is a make or break for either Ryan or Wayne's team. Despite stumbling in these last weeks, I'm pretty sure a win secures Wayne a spot at the playoff table. However, a loss could put him on par with Ryan and Larry and me - and I'm not positive what the win-loss scenario looks like in that picture - but there's a chance Wayne could be looking from the outside. Obviously, Ryan needs this game and some significant help. But who actually takes it? Well Andre Johnson was good for Ryan, while the Texans defense (against Jacksonville no less) was not. If I see a chink in the armor, it's RG3 playing Kansas City. If he gets the KC of the first part of the season, then it's trouble - if he gets the KC of the last couple weeks, than he's got a strong chance. I'm guessing Andy Reid will deliver the former this weekend to ensure the team makes the playoffs, which effectively spells doom for Ryan's fantasy chances.
Picture that you're in a physics class, and your young and charismatic teacher is speaking about how things in motion tend to stay in motion. A naive student puts up a tentative hand and asks how that could be. Ah, he says, strolling over to his blackboard. Let me know you, he says. He thing swivels the blackboard vertically, revealing his example. Why it's Ian and Paul's teams - two groups that prove once you move in a direction, you stay moving in it. Man, that was a really lame and extended metaphor for saying that Ian's likely to win, no matter what favourable matchups Paul carries into the weekend.
Ngata Chance vs. The Chefs
The fantasy siren is a cruel mistress - sometimes she rewards you with many winning years, the respect of your peers, and better yet, their hard-earned money. Sometimes she beckons you to shore only to dash your fantasy group on the rocks. In tenth place, Derek has essentially nothing to play for - but that won't stop him from being an easy out. The mighty Flynn gets a pretty lousy Atlanta team, and while Philadelphia can score - they also can be scored against. That said, Lindsay already got more production out of Jones-Drew than can normally be expected and Rivers should have a field day with the Giants. It'll be the small things the Ravens getting Minny that make the difference here - Lindsay eats Derek's lunch on a close one.
The Snoodler vs. Breesus Christ Superstars
Look Ray Rice, we haven't exactly had the best relationship this year. It started with you spurning me with lackadaisical play - and I responded, unfairly or not, by letting you ride the pine in favor of younger, potentially more talented running backs. But, that's water under the bridge now. I need your help this week to (improbably) have a shot at the playoffs. Look, you are playing Minnesota - they are terrible against the run. Your team desperately needs your talent to win the game. I promise to stop cursing you, your family, your height, all of the things you ever loved - if, in return, you can maybe not completely suck this week. If Ray listens, I win. More likely though , Bryan wins.
The North vs. Dirty D
Despite being out of it, Dennis' team is putting together a tidy little streak to close out the year. The question is, will he continue streaking and play spoiler to Larry's fading fantasy chances? Well, it helps that Ben Tate was ineffective on Thursday and that Wilson will face an angry 49ers at home this weekend. Add in the fact that Dalton plays a struggling Colts and Tannehill finally remembered not to suck as of the last couple weeks. Actually, a lot of Dennis' players are running red hot, including both Jeffery and Gordon, who basically beat Wayne last week by themselves. Peyton always makes for a dangerous play, but against the Titans, it's likely they get an early lead and run the ball. It makes for good football sense, but not so much for fantasy fortunes - in this case, Larry's treasure comes up empty. Dennis spoils.
The Downs Burns vs. Gone in 30 Minutes
I haven't done the calculations, but I'm relatively certain that this game is a make or break for either Ryan or Wayne's team. Despite stumbling in these last weeks, I'm pretty sure a win secures Wayne a spot at the playoff table. However, a loss could put him on par with Ryan and Larry and me - and I'm not positive what the win-loss scenario looks like in that picture - but there's a chance Wayne could be looking from the outside. Obviously, Ryan needs this game and some significant help. But who actually takes it? Well Andre Johnson was good for Ryan, while the Texans defense (against Jacksonville no less) was not. If I see a chink in the armor, it's RG3 playing Kansas City. If he gets the KC of the first part of the season, then it's trouble - if he gets the KC of the last couple weeks, than he's got a strong chance. I'm guessing Andy Reid will deliver the former this weekend to ensure the team makes the playoffs, which effectively spells doom for Ryan's fantasy chances.
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Fanciful Fantasy Fun Fortunes Week Twelve 2013
The Snoodler vs. The North
Not only did Ray Rice pretty much ruin my fantasy season, but afterwards he flew up to Calgary and had sex with my mother while pouring sugar in my gas tank. If I have any hope left it's because I suspect our fantasy season is longer than last year (weren't playoffs in week 13 and 14?) and everybody else is shitting the collective bed. This is another critical win for either Larry or me and arguably it's going to be close. Sure Denver puts up a lot of points, but they also surrender a lot and the Patriots get the home advantage. With Rice relegated to my bench forever, here's hoping either Stacy or Jennings make something of themselves. I'm feeling oddly optimistic, despite my team's general unpredictability - I fail upwards to a win this week.
Dirty D vs. The Chefs
Now that we run our failure fantasy playoffs concurrently with the winning one, this game also imports some actual meaning for either player. Could one of these teams climb out of the basement and secure that coveted number eight spot, thus giving themselves the illusion that next year also won't be a total wash. Keenum and Tolzein cancel each other out as they both play horribly inept teams. Stafford definitely gets the better hand in a renewed, but shaky Tampa Bay. That said, Dennis is carrying way more potential in Bush and Brown. Then again, Johnson seems a much surer shot of decent points than the pathetic twelve Colston put up. They tied last time they played, and in a perfect universe, they'll tie again.
Breesus Christ Superstars vs. the Downs Burns
Wayne's win last week gave him some breathing space, but he's not out of the woods yet. Facing the number one team (despite losing last week), he already has a hill to climb in that Brees put up good numbers on Thursday - numbers I suspect Jason Campbell won't come close to matching. Factor in that Shady McCoy is out and he'll have to rely on Stewart not getting all his carries robbed by a greedy Cam Newton. Wayne's team might normally be a Lambo, but McCoy is the engine. On the other side of the aisle, Bryan has Charles playing a continually suspect San Diego and a renewed Donald Brown proving his high pick wasn't a throwaway. Bryan doesn't even need the win since his team is probably going to safely make the playoffs anyway, but he I think he'll take it anyway.
Gone in 30 Minutes vs. The Lonesome Kicker
Like Bryan, I'd be surprised if Ian's team faced so strong a meltdown that he fell out of the playoffs. But if he was going to start falling apart, this week would be the time to do it. Considering nearly all of his team decided to take a one week vacation, Ian's team is nearly unrecognizable this week. He'll have to hope beyond hope that the Raiders muster some kind of defensive threat or that Rainey isn't just a case of lightning striking once. Ryan isn't carrying the same kind of problems this week and has mostly dependable members like Romo or Lacy or Johnson facing pretty porous defenses. That cushion Ian's perched on gets a little more uncomfortable as Ryan climbs the fantasy ladder.
Ngata Chance vs. Chewbacca DST
Fantasy purgatory is a funny place to be - not enough wins to climb back into the playoff hunt, but not enough losses to really feel threatened about falling into the fantasy basement either. Thomas Pynchon would be proud - so much entropy in two team's predicaments. Well somebody has to win and seeing how Fitpatrick gets lousy Oakland and Rotlisberger will get beaten up by a pretty scary Cleveland - that tips the QB scale to Lindsay. Paul obviously takes the RBs, which leaves a pretty equal set of WRs - for every Amendola there's a Tavon Austin. So who takes this one then? What secret ingredient reveals to us this week our winner? I'm going to say that the secret sauce for Paul's win is that the Lions have a better game defensively than Lindsay's precious Ravens will in facing Paul's favorite team. It's like Macbeth, but with football players, or something.
Not only did Ray Rice pretty much ruin my fantasy season, but afterwards he flew up to Calgary and had sex with my mother while pouring sugar in my gas tank. If I have any hope left it's because I suspect our fantasy season is longer than last year (weren't playoffs in week 13 and 14?) and everybody else is shitting the collective bed. This is another critical win for either Larry or me and arguably it's going to be close. Sure Denver puts up a lot of points, but they also surrender a lot and the Patriots get the home advantage. With Rice relegated to my bench forever, here's hoping either Stacy or Jennings make something of themselves. I'm feeling oddly optimistic, despite my team's general unpredictability - I fail upwards to a win this week.
Dirty D vs. The Chefs
Now that we run our failure fantasy playoffs concurrently with the winning one, this game also imports some actual meaning for either player. Could one of these teams climb out of the basement and secure that coveted number eight spot, thus giving themselves the illusion that next year also won't be a total wash. Keenum and Tolzein cancel each other out as they both play horribly inept teams. Stafford definitely gets the better hand in a renewed, but shaky Tampa Bay. That said, Dennis is carrying way more potential in Bush and Brown. Then again, Johnson seems a much surer shot of decent points than the pathetic twelve Colston put up. They tied last time they played, and in a perfect universe, they'll tie again.
Breesus Christ Superstars vs. the Downs Burns
Wayne's win last week gave him some breathing space, but he's not out of the woods yet. Facing the number one team (despite losing last week), he already has a hill to climb in that Brees put up good numbers on Thursday - numbers I suspect Jason Campbell won't come close to matching. Factor in that Shady McCoy is out and he'll have to rely on Stewart not getting all his carries robbed by a greedy Cam Newton. Wayne's team might normally be a Lambo, but McCoy is the engine. On the other side of the aisle, Bryan has Charles playing a continually suspect San Diego and a renewed Donald Brown proving his high pick wasn't a throwaway. Bryan doesn't even need the win since his team is probably going to safely make the playoffs anyway, but he I think he'll take it anyway.
Gone in 30 Minutes vs. The Lonesome Kicker
Like Bryan, I'd be surprised if Ian's team faced so strong a meltdown that he fell out of the playoffs. But if he was going to start falling apart, this week would be the time to do it. Considering nearly all of his team decided to take a one week vacation, Ian's team is nearly unrecognizable this week. He'll have to hope beyond hope that the Raiders muster some kind of defensive threat or that Rainey isn't just a case of lightning striking once. Ryan isn't carrying the same kind of problems this week and has mostly dependable members like Romo or Lacy or Johnson facing pretty porous defenses. That cushion Ian's perched on gets a little more uncomfortable as Ryan climbs the fantasy ladder.
Ngata Chance vs. Chewbacca DST
Fantasy purgatory is a funny place to be - not enough wins to climb back into the playoff hunt, but not enough losses to really feel threatened about falling into the fantasy basement either. Thomas Pynchon would be proud - so much entropy in two team's predicaments. Well somebody has to win and seeing how Fitpatrick gets lousy Oakland and Rotlisberger will get beaten up by a pretty scary Cleveland - that tips the QB scale to Lindsay. Paul obviously takes the RBs, which leaves a pretty equal set of WRs - for every Amendola there's a Tavon Austin. So who takes this one then? What secret ingredient reveals to us this week our winner? I'm going to say that the secret sauce for Paul's win is that the Lions have a better game defensively than Lindsay's precious Ravens will in facing Paul's favorite team. It's like Macbeth, but with football players, or something.
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Fanciful Fantasy Fun Fortunes Week Eleven 2013
The Snoodler vs. The Lonesome Kicker
I think Ian owes the entire league a huge apology.........for trading for Joe Flacco...that guy sucks, and by trading for him you've both legitimized Lindsay's fanboyism and elevated his non-worth in our league. As for the rest of your quarterbacks, even a quiet night for Luck is better than most good nights for Brady lately. I really want to say that I have a chance, but Brady against a formidable Carolina defense spells trouble, never mind the rest of my team which is madly average. I need this win badly, but I suspect the win that need will actually be the loss I deserve.
The Chefs vs. Breesus Christ Superstars
You know a team has given up when they're starting J.R.R. Tolkien at quarterback. If there's a bright spot in Derek's disastrous season it's that he has a million draft picks for next year. Hopefully, with a reinvigorated Muscle Hamster and those many picks we'll see a rejuvenated Chefs next year. As for this one, particularly this week,. it's a no contest; Bryan strolls all over Derek's depleted corps/corpse.
The North vs. Ngata Chance
For those of us fighting desperately for a playoff spot there's nothing worse than seeing your opponent play someone else's porcelain doll collection. That said, oddly Lindsay's firesale crew still seem kind of dangerous, given that Fitzpatrick had an okay day and Fleener put up decent points. Seeing as Larry's pet pony Peyton gets his toughest test this week, plus the need to start Woodhead, I think we've got a reasonably close battle this week. It'll depend on Lynch eating the Vikings lunch and Fitzgerald showing up against Jacksonville, but I think they can do it. Somehow Lindsay's team improves this week - call it addition by subtraction.
Gone in 30 Minutes vs. Dirty D
The fact that Dennis made a trade this late in the game shows two things, he either has the fantasy that his fantasy football team has a chance this year (fantaception), or he's already prepping for next year by collecting talented football players (that he'll inevitably have to trade or drop). I'm guessing it's the former, but still it was kind of an inexplicable move. The big question is will it pay off this week? The short answer is no. With Palmer back against an atrocious defense and Ellington running all over JAX, there's no hope for the likes of Dalton against a sturdy Cleveland or a newly returned Brown against Green Bay. It's competitively close, but Ryan wins.
The Downs Burns vs. Chewbacca DST
Though Paul is down, I'd say he's not completely out. This game is a make or break for both participants. Wayne needs to keep winning to hang onto that last spot, while Paul and the rest of us need him to lose to have a chance to slip into the playoffs - midnight stealth style. Largely, this depends on which Kaepernick Paul gets - the rest of his team is alright this week - it's just whether the tattooed wonder will actually show up this week. If he does, even just a bit, it should be enough to render Wayne's usually formidable squad that's beset by bye weeks into a delicious brisket. My guess it that he does, and thus Paul dines on Wayne like I'd dine on mac and cheese at the Palomino.
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Fanciful Fantasy Fun Fortunes Week Ten 2013
The Lonesome Kicker vs. Ngata Chance
In a year where consistent running back production has been scarce, Ian has the fortune of having one of the most reliable products on the field. Having watched the Thursday game, I can't help but be impressed that Peterson manages to get points almost despite his team being bathed in futility. That running back head start is going to help because I think it's the sole difference-maker this week: all being said, the rest of the matchups are fairy even with two unproven QBs, solid receivers and alright running backs. Ian farts out a win this week.
The Chefs vs. Gone in 30 Minutes
I imagine at some point today Ryan will be staring at his computer, veins popping out of his neck, licking his dry chapped lips like some kind of junkie or mayor, and whispering to Derek, or nobody, or Jesus, or God depending on which testament you want to invest in - and saying come on man, I need this. Not even the great Hare Krishna could revive Derek's team, so Ryan needs to hope that Stafford or Dalton have ordinary weeks again. If they do - which I'm betting they will - Ryan will poop out a win this week.
Chewbacca DST vs. Breesus Christ Superstars
Here's the real test. Paul's buzzed through a few pretenders in the past couples weeks to turn his moribund team into something relevant. Now, he gets Bryan, our shining golden fantasy pool boy - all dazzling blonde hair and thigh-displaying 70's athletic shorts. Well, only one of you has a legitimate quarterback in Brees; however, Fred Jackson and Donald Brown are effectively time share running backs who simply can't match either Morris or Johnson's playing time. Receivers are a wash, so this is a straight-up head to head - I'm going to say Paul takes it on momentum alone.
The Snoodler vs. Dirty D
It's a good thing I stashed EJ Manuel basically all year so that I could finally play him this week. Nevermind how many other guys I probably gave up - now I can finally justify to myself why I drafted him and kept him when he had absolutely no value. Well this is it. Whoever wins this game keeps their thread of a chance; the loser gets to take their ball and go home. Ryan has a tough matchup, but he's somewhat proven over Keenum who gets a slightly easier defense.Both Manuel and Spiller get the worst defense in the NFL. Here's hoping Dennis doesn't pick up a wide receiver and the difference is whatever that extra guy would've scored. I win and get to keep partying.
The Downs Burn vs. The North
This is like the opposite game of the previous matchup - two teams that need a win - but not to slip into the playoffs, but to not fall out of them. Despite having the Manning and Wilson tandem, that's three losses Larry's accumulated. My guess is that he's got a better chance of turning it around this week because Wayne has to start Jake Foot Locker, and even Newton will struggle against San Francisco at home. The rest of the matchups are close with a slight nod to wayne in receivers - though Steven Stills really rounds out those multi-part harmonies. On the slight strength at quarterback, I saw Larry recovers from his nosedive.
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