My BDTF! Week Seven

Bare Cupboards vs. Urban Achiever

Infirmary team!
injured guys equals loss...
Paul wins easy one

Dirty D vs. Reckoner

Team improbable
versus underachiever
the trend continues

Gone in 30 Minutes vs. Banana Grabbers

Hi John Skeleton
You won't be enough this week
Brian climbs out of last

The Lonesome Kicker vs. The North

Smith already sucked
Starting Sanchez a bad sign
Brees begins ascent

The Chefs vs. Downs Burns

Wayne stole my player
He'll lose because I say so...
white leaves on black lake

My BDTF! Week Six!

Bare Cupboards vs. Reckoner

Not only has the injury bug bitten my team, but my group of losers also contracted shitty fantasy team VD by plowing the painted whore that is free agency. My receivers and running backs are about as desirable as the first poop after a night of Indian food. There's no point in explaining it any further - Lindsay knocks me out this week because his mama said to knock me out.

Urban Achiever vs. The Chefs

Like me, Paul is sliding like he's spending the day at the West Edmonton Wave Pool. It's kind of weird because there's talent there - Manning, A.J Green and Turner are all having decent years. I'll scratch this one up to tough luck so far. On the other side of the coin, Derek's team is more patchwork than gradma's family history quilt that nobody uses or acknowledges. I think this is the week Paul's luck kicks in and Derek's temporarily runs out - unless my mind is playing tricks on me.

Banana Grabbers vs. Dirty D

Well at least I can't be completely wrong this week - one of the two teams I keep picking to win will actually win this week. Out of these two under-performers I'm guessing it's Dennis because I always guess it's Dennis so let's at least be consistent. While I appreciate Ponder's happy story like I appreciate the eight endings of the Lord of the Rings (I don't really appreciate them - here's a secret about me - I kind of hate the lord of the rings movies - they are terrible and you should feel bad for liking them), he's eventually going to stumble and this game against the Redskins has that vibe. Another close one, but the win passes Brian by and falls into Dennis' lap.

The North vs Gone in 30 Minutes

Peyton Manning's wobbly passes vs. RGB's wobbly brain? Phillip Rivers not throwing picks vs. Alex Smith just plain not sucking? What's the twist here M. Night Shyamalan? If Ryan has an advantage it's that he's not reliant on starting Shonn Greene who has to exert all his strength to simply run forwards and not backyards - yes, it's a terrible affliction and it seems to be spreading on the Jets. So, with that said, I choose Ryan as the victor.

The Downs Burns vs. The Lonesome Kicker

Yikes, starting Ryan Fitzpatrick and Sam Bradford. Probably time to ring the crappy alarm. Double yikes scoob, Ian's starting Joss Wheedon and Andrew used-all-his-Luck last week. By sheer quarterback atrocity alone, we're headed towards a fantasy singularity. I reminisce over a time when winning fantasy involved using good players - but those days are passed - and one of these fantasy merlins is going to conjure a win while the other's week blows up in his face. Picking who is harder than you think...I'll say Ian keeps the momentum up.

My BDTF Week Five!

Bare Cupboards vs. The Chefs

Looking at them now, my wide receivers are the Calgary Flames of fantasy football - not bad enough to jettison into the void, but really not good enough to be competitive. If there's one saving grace to my team right now, it's that this is a quarterbacks league and mine haven't been awful yet. Keep in mind however, Derek has an entire team and not just two players he can rely on, and many of them play some pretty awful teams this weekend - KC, Indy, Miami - a veritable who's who of fantasy sieves - I put up a fight, but Derek dismantles me.

Gone in 30 Minutes vs The Downs Burn

Perhaps Wayne's strategy of drafting 80 wide receivers at the draft paid off - at least to week five, he's one of the more consistent teams. Still, he's playing with fire - Ryan Fitzpatrick will tank in say about three weeks - where suddenly the interceptions will continue but the production won't. This week will be a good indication of just how stinky the Bills actually are when they face the 49ers at home. Ryan on the other hand has a team on the rise with a solid, but not spectacular group - if only all of his players had brother's die in motorcycle accidents (too soon? probably too soon) they'd really take off. Ryan runs wild over Wayne this week.

Dirty D vs. The Lonesome Kicker

Funny how much one player can change the balance of a team, but with a second solid running back in his group, Dennis becomes incredibly dangerous. While his wide receivers are thinner than Paul Giamatti's hair, Dennis's main starters are a smorgasbord of fantasy fruition. That's not to say Ian's team is bad, but this week they look more like the cock-blocking frumpy friend of a hot girl. They want to be the centre of attention, but they have that one offset eye (Cutler), their ears are too big (Lloyd) and they reek of desperation (Hartline). I think we say hi to a renewed Dennis team.

The North vs. Urban Achievers

With the amount of parity in our league to this point, you can almost make the assumption that all of us are finally fantasy functional. Matchups like this one are the reason why equality in our league makes for some tough calls in the guessing who will win department. Will Manning and his wobbly throws show up against New England, will Chris Johnson put the cheetos down long enough to run three steps and fall to the ground? I can't say. This one could go either way - I'm betting the winner is the one who summons some extra luck this week. Coin flip....Paul wins.

Banana Grabbers vs. Reckoner

How Lindsay gets it done with Vick, Freeman and Kolb - I just don't know. Actually that's not entirely correct, he gets it done with Lynch, McGahee and occasionally Forte when he's not nostrils deep in some hooker's cocaine dusted ass. On the other hand, I entirely know how Brian gets it done - sporadically - because Charles is proving to be a boom or bust player, much like the rest of the Jekyll and Hide that is Kansas City. This week he and Jones-Drew are in bust mode, which I think gives Lindsay the special power of winning.

My BDTF Week Four!

Dirty D vs. The North

You would think a team featuring Matt Ryan, Aaron Rodgers and Arian Foster would be a dangerous one, yet Dennis finds himself nary a win. Like Math 30, I just don't get it. What I do get, is that Dennis finally has a good match-up - Larry's crew seems like a contradiction in terms - if Peyton Manning plays well, what of McFadden? Bradshaw starts, but how much - and more importantly, how long? I don't think he easily escapes the streets of Philadelphia mmmmlala mmm mmmmmlala nnnmmmla mmnmmnnnmmlalala . This is the last week I pick Dennis - hopefully he avoids being snakebitten.

The Downs Burns vs. Banana Grabbers

The trouble with Matt Schaub, other than that opposing teams enjoy removing his ears, is that despite being a decent quarterback, he's a tough one to rely on production because his team's running game is so good. The trouble with this match-up is which of Brian's teams show up, the one that went all angry all the time, Hulk on mine, or the bespectacled loser that's getting his lunch money taken in previous weeks. Well my astral chart says you get one more good week - Brian blows Ryan away.

The Lonesome Kicker vs. The Chefs

The unfortunate part of this week's matchup is that no matter what it removes Ian from his zen-like stat of one-one-and-one. Here's hoping he finds a way to get to two-two-and-two. Sad as it might be, I think there's a chance Weeden might have more points that Brees. It's going to take a super-human effort from New Orleans not to be winless after this week. Similarly, it's going to take a super-human effort for super-douche Jay Cutler not to smirk stupidly while getting dumped by Dallas' defense. I'll throw Ian a win on the strength of New Orleans really trying this week.

Urban Achiever vs. Reckoner

Like late-era Radiohead, I'm not sure if Lindsay's team is actually good, or just riding on the wave of previous successes (good thing I wrote this today and not yesterday - ha ha ha!). Having two eagles alumni as quarterbacks speaks volumes - why not pick up Jeff Garcia and start him too? The only guy on Lindsay's team that could get real production is Lynch and even he's playing a not bad defense. Derek's team hasn't lit the world on fire like expected, but he won't have to here - Lindsay gets all torn up.

Bare Cupboards vs. Gone in 30 Minutes

Seeing how I already spotted Ryan sixty points, this one's nearly in the bag. The biggest surprise, to me especially, was that my team was actually scoring at all in the previous weeks - well, the honeymoon seems about over and the likes of Amendola and Ridley are showing their true frustrating fantasy colours. My hopes rest on Palmer continuing to not be abysmal and Jennings coming alive, but we'll see if that matters when Red Green Blue the third tears up a tissue-soft Tampa Bay. It's close, but I die slowly and painfully this week.

My BDTF Week Three!

This will have to be a quick one - off to Banff today:

Bare Cupboards vs. Banana Grabbers

Grabbers' great matchups grab him a win over my gross group.

The Chefs vs Dirty D

Dennis pokes a hole through the mystery of Derek by finally starting the right players.

Reckoner vs. The North

I know Lindsay's 2-0, but it's hard to fathom how; it's almost a practical joke team. Larry wins.

Gone in 30 Minutes vs. The Lonesome Kicker

Alright, they're not quite turds - Richardon proved something and does again. Flawless victory for Ryan.

Urban Achiever vs. The Downs Burns

This one is cheating since some of Wayne's guys already misfired. Paul dances away with one.

My BDTF Week Two!

The Chefs vs. Reckoner

What did I say Lindsay? Did I not say that Matt Forte is about as questionable as Adrian Brody's squirrely mustache? At least you got some points out of him before both of his knees reached singularity. Could be worse, you could be just realizing that all the pre-season hype hasn't actually changed the very real fact that Jay Cutlet stinks. Or that making it rain to get Randall Cobb probably was an overspend, since Aaron Rodgers is loyal to no one when it comes to spreading the ball. Most weeks I would do the Derek default, but this week I'm seeing the Dagenais sashay.

 Banana Grabbers vs. Urban Achiever

Chris Johnson's last week performance was somewhere between Lil Kim and Nicki Minaj on the ugliness scale. Fortunately, this week I think he'll fare better against a smoke and mirrors San Diego squad - I'm thinking somewhere between a lesser Sunshine Girl and that chick that makes duck faces. Still, will it be enough to stop the one-week hype of the Romo juggernaut? Probably not...but that's more to do with Bryan's supporting cast getting walk-overs like Buffalo, while Paul's get the rapidly improving defenses of Philly and Tampa Bay. A close one that Bryan slithers away from.

Dirty D. vs Gone in 30 Minutes

What's with the Green Bay Packers - despite dusting off the buried treasure that is Cedric Benson - they can't seem to score with the aplomb they showed in years past. It looks like the bloom might be off the rose. Meanwhile Matt Ryan is in full bloom - he just had his first period and his mom just sat him down to explain that he's a woman now, which means he can finally stop producing pedestrian fantasy numbers week-in and week-out. Meanwhile, Ryan pops out the turd-rific Tate and Richardson to nobody's delight. Dennis takes a cakewalk.

The North vs. The Downs Burn

Okay, Alex Smith was okay last week - but this week, yes, this week he'll suck for sure! Peyton Manning also proved me wrong by marching his plucky team to a victory at the last minute, getting the girl, disarming the bomb at Coco Bongo and saving Edge City - which I think is either the ending of The Mask or Schindler's List - I get those two confused. Anyway, another close one for both combatants - this time I'll take Wayne because I trust Cam Newton at home more than Manning in the Georgia Dome. Wayne flips for joy over the short-lived moral victory.

Bare Cupboards vs. The Lonesome Kicker

The fact that I'd willingly start Carson Palmer should say a lot about what I think of my team. Like some kind of wayward parent of a child prodigy, I'm leaving my team in the my car with the windows rolled up while I go play a few rounds of bingo. Even with these poor decisions in-tow, I can't see Andrew Luck faring any better than last week and it's only a matter of time until All Day blows out his knee, no matter how many interviews he does saying the contrary. My achilles this week is whether Belichick goes all Joffrey on me and decides to play another NE running back all with the fey wave of his hand - I'm hoping he doesn't and I take the win over Miller.

My beautiful dark twisted fantasy - Week one

Ah jea, back for another season of fantasy - it's like fun and failure having a baby - or like eating a whole jar of Nutella by yourself. Get ready for another round of meaningless picks by me that are really just poorly-veiled (and poorly constructed!) insults at friends, family, the profoundly handicapped and myself.

Lonesome Kicker vs. Urban Achiever

Unless the NFL lets Peterson's wheelchair onto the field, there's a decent chance that Mark Ingram might actually be Ian's starting running back. That's kind of funny because all Ian has to do is look on over at Paul's team to see the guy who's actually going to get points as a running back on the New Orleans Saints. It would be a enough to make a grown man scream. Pair that with Andrew Luck not having any against a reasonably stout Bears defense (you should hear my Art Modell puns - been work-shopping them all week), and I say Paul walks away with a relatively easy one this week.

Gone in 30 Minutes vs. The Chefs

Like a line-up of Thai hookers, Ryan's team is full of unknowns. Is Robert Griffin going to be good, or is he going to have a droopy uncircumcised man-hammer beneath that mini-skirt. Same goes for Richardson, who nobody has actually seen play. As far as I know, he's not even a real person, the Browns just made up a guy to give their dim-witted fans a little hope before they go home to disappointingly beat their wives. Another walk-away victory here with Derek helping Ryan fall into a doorknob this week.

The Downs Burns vs. Reckoner

Even with a 38 point lead, I think Wayne' chances of winning are about as solid as a Tupac hologram. And like Tupac, perhaps Wayne's best work is when he's not around, since I actually think his drafted starting team is decent (his back-ups however sound worse than Tupac's eighth post-mortem record). Not that I love Lindsay's team either - I don't. The names sound okay, but something just isn't right - like turning a long-dead person into a touring partner at Coachella. It's probably a little bit Lynch, and probably a lot bit Vick, and then a little bit Forte. Methinks all of these guys are in for down years - and will be about as well-received as Tupac's next tour - the "Please Just Let Me Die, Baby" tour. Despite all that, it's Wayne who will be crying so many tears when Lindsay wins.

The North vs Banana Grabbers

Having Peyton Manning start with Alex Smith is like seeing big beautiful breasts on a morbidly obese woman - they quite effectively cancel each other out. Larry's put a lot of faith in someone who's been remarkably mediocre for a long time - and no ancient Randy Moss is going to change that fact. If there's an upside for Charles it's that Bryan is relying on another Charles - one who may or may not be one hit away from selling cell phones at the mall. That said, Manning is one good hit away from permanently speaking like Jean Chretien on ambien, so really this is all just a toss-up. I'll say Bryan takes a squeaker this week.

Bare Cupboards vs Dirty D

Speaking of squeakers, I was looking up things on Urban Dictionary the other day and I came across doing a "Fleener." Apparently, that's when you take a handful of hot poo and push it through the screen of your neighbor's storm door. Half of Dennis' team will probably be fleening me all day - Ryan and Rodgers and Foster and Colston make for a potent pair-of-pairs. The only way this stays close for me is if Shannhan plays trickster god once again and starts somebody other than Royster. While I think my team will put in a workmanlike effort - one might even say yeoman - I don't think it will be enough against Dennis' relatively healthy superstars in week one. Dennis fleens my screen door and I have to wash off the corn nuggets with my front hose.

Dude Manbro's Preseason Prognostications

Hey everyone, Dude Manbro here. That's me on the right. I'm your 2012 Fantasy Football spirit animal. And like my delicious breasts, I'm here to offer supple advice before you go drafting on Friday. I hope you'll listen to my pert-inent picks.

Brian
Hold on, is it 1897? Is your name H.G. Wells? If it's not then maybe you should ask yourself why you have already handicapped your team by stocking a bunch of invisible men - get it, get it? Jones-Drew is a no-show which doesn't bode well for you. And Roddy doesn't look like he can keep up with the Jones'. My advice for you is to draft good players instead of bad ones - but for my sake - do it after the first round.

Dennis
You are like the well-loved but undeserving nephew of a kindly old patriarch who has left you all of his vast assets - in this case Derek bequeathing you fantasy football success. I understand it and won't judge - it's that whole hand-up not a hand-out philosophy to help those lesser fantasy football teams. Face it, Derek is your fantasy football United Way, but he puts good players in your little box at Halloween. With that in mind, feel free to pick up whatever 2008 fantasy football magazine you find behind the dumpster at Gas Plus.

Ryan
What's in store for team rickety this year? Oh wait, Matthews is already nipples up and the season hasn't even taken its first shaky steps. Not like Johnson is any more of a sure thing - both of these players are the athletic equivalent of Jenga. Normally, you could go in drafting the best possible players (or random players like Dennis and me), but I'd say it's a safe bet you'll need a running back early and often. Otherwise, do as Spiderman commands.

Wayne
Wayne's reward for finally crawling out of the doghouse is entering the 2012 season with his starting pick being juggled between Matt Cassel, Jonathan Stewart and Greg Little - not exactly top-shelf stuff to start the year, but that's what you get when you sell the farm. Trust me, I've been down that dark road, where the only thing you have to do during the first 10 rounds of the fantasy draft is summon a boner with your mind. So my advice, summon away, but near Larry, not me.

Paul
Being one of the few players who just has regular everyday picks, what advice can I possibly give? Some players have a million picks to waste in the first five rounds and others, like Wayne above, have none. Your team is Middle Earth - which means...well your team is middling and your picks are middling and I don't really have a witty Hobbit-like metaphor because I never read the books. I did cool things in my youth like see how many times I could Skip-it instead of reading, which has serfed me wheel in lifes.

Lindsay
We are tight-end brothers and I'm not afraid to say it privately. I'd be a little worried now that Forte got his payday because his forte might become shaping little men out of squeeze cheese and eating them. Add to that the fact that Vick already had his teary comeback two-years past and his production this year will probably be weaker than a pitbull after a headlock (for my part, I prefer DDT's over headlocks). Still, you always find a way and I made this picture celebrating your fantasy success, so who I am to deny you this magical chart.

Derek
Tapp is the most dangerous game when it comes to fantasy football - in that you have a knack for making the right selection - the right rookie who will turn out, or barring the draft, the right free agent who will turn into a top-ten player. I'm not sure which dark gods you pray to, but they appear to be the right ones. Who am I to give you advice, you should be selling us advice - maybe even on TV.

Ian
Given, Brees is an upgrade, but the rest of your keepers are like some kind of knock-off version of a real fantasy football team. Despite Peterson's pedigree, I don't see him coming back as successfully as previous years and Wallace is just okay - like a handjob from a disinterested hooker - he's still good, but deep down you know it could be better. It's doesn't help that you're going to the Wayne school of drafting, where your first pick will be Musa Smith because he'll be that's left - unless I draft him in the first round.

Larry
Whenever I think of Peyton Manning's neck injury, this video clip comes to mind. And while Manning probably fared better than that poor fellow, he's really just one hit away from looking like a shambling corpse from some horror movie. Not like McFadden is any less fragile, he's one hit away from looking like a FedEx delivered TV. I like Fitzgerald, I really do. I would have him over for hamburgers and would probably take care of his cat if he went on vacation, but there's no denying that a wide receiver makes no sound if he doesn't have a good quarterback in the forest - or something. Good thing you have lots of early picks - use them to draft better guys than you currently have.