Fanciful Fantasy Fun Fortunes Week Four 2013

Sorry gents, these are going to be pretty short for the next couple weeks...

The Snoodler vs. Gone in 30 Minutes
Who's better Jizz Rodgers or a one-legged Ray Rice? Who's better McFadden against Washington's barf-in-mouth defense or RG3 against Oakland's weakling team. No idea...but coin flip says I win.

Dirty D vs. The North
Ugh...Gabbert...Tannehill...Geno Smith...we're talking a premiere mashup. Larry pretty much takes this by default that he has at least one functioning quarterback. No contest, North dominates.

The Downs Burns vs. Breesus Christ Superstars
McCoy has been keeping Wayne's fantasy hopes healthy for the past while, but not so this week. Bryan's clear advantage at QB and reasonable matchups mean he slaps out a close one. Breesus Christ Superstars point to victory.

The Lonesome Kicker vs. The Chefs
It's strange how a bye week can mess with a team - in Ian's case, it's only two players, but I think it's enough to let Derek take a victory. Even against an atrocious Vikings, Rothlisberger will be on his back more than his victims. Plus Muscle Hamster will probably get the ball a whole lot more now that Freeman is butt-surfing the sidelines. The Chefs spell out a win.

Chewbacca DST vs. Ngata Chance
Colin is suddenly playing rookie-like after last year's meteoric rise and Schaub will be lucky to be alive after facing a dark-alley scary Seattle. And while Paul's other matchups are decent, Lindsay's are enough that the QB handicap hands him a win. Ngata squishes Chewbacca this week.

Fanciful Fantasy Fun Fortunes Week Three 2013

The Snoodler vs. Breesus Christ Superstars
It can't possibly be a good fantasy week when my main decision is whether to start Brady vs. EJ Manuel. No matter which decision I make there, I'm somehow haunted by the New York Jets, either past on Revis island or the surprising present incarnation. Actually, pretty much every match up my team has this week is not ideal while Bryan has a number of favorable games with his guys at home. Bryan walks away with one this week, and hangs the Snoodler out to dry.

The Chefs vs. Dirty D
This week Derek's A team plays his B team - but the twist of fate is that the Dennis is now the mentor and Derek the mentee. Perhaps this is the week Derek gets all Odysseus and returns home to kick all of us would-be suitors from his fantasy home. But perhaps not. I like Stafford and Muscle Hamster and Megatron this week, but I like Rodgers, Bush and even Colston more. It's an awkward one, but Dennis sneaks by.

Ngata Chance vs. The North
I nearly did a discount double-take when looking at Larry's roster. Is that really Geno Smith in the starting lineup instead of either Josh Freeman or Christian Ponder? If either of those quarterbacks actually knew their fantasy fate, dollars to donuts they would fly up to Canada and personally present a flaming bag of their own poop on Larry's doorstep. Other than this glaring indictment of those quarterbacks skills, the rest of Larry's group looks solid, say more solid than I feel about Rivers, Austin or even Fitzgerald. Larry stamps out Lindsay this week.

The Lonesome Kicker vs. Gone in 30 Minutes
The Lonesome Kicker has been roshamboing with no regrets the first two weeks, and who knows if that trail will stop at Ryan's doorstep. RG3's garbage time is the quintessential  fantasy mirage, and if he keeps it up, that production is going to dissipate pretty quickly when he ends up riding the bench in favor of Kirk Cousins. Ryan has the edge in receivers, but it's slight. And running back wise, I don't even know the first name of whoever Rodgers is, so that can't be good. Perhaps Ryan should just draft Jerius Norwood of the Toronto Argonauts (second greek reference - kind of) and we'll give him half points. Either way, Ian sprints past a stumbling Ryan.

Chewbacca DST vs. Downs Burns
Now that Paul has admitted his fantasy drafting failure, he's been free to completely re-draft a new team via free agency, and really who are we (especially me) to judge. Moreno and Burleson are significant upgrades who particularly for this week, play non-existent defenses. Plus the Chiefs already paid plenty of dividends on Thursday night. Neither Newton or Manning have looked compelling of late and Murray is almost as overhyped as David Wilson. I'm painting it like a blowout, but it won't be. Still, the newly regrouped Chewbacca Defense Force brings Downs Burns back to earth.

Fanciful Fantasy Fun Fortunes Week Two 2013

The Snoodler vs. The Lonesome Kicker
Like most of my life decisions, unrelenting trust issues fuel my fantasy drafting strategies. Case in point, I no longer trust Tom Brady to be dependably dominant - hence Matt Ryan is now the chained concubine at the foot of my fantasy sex throne (interpret that how you will). I'll go out on a limb and say an angry Falcons will make delicious kabobs out of the rams this weekend - that means Bad Sadford won't exactly light it up. In fact, pretty much all of Ian's players are better than mine, but they play better defenses this week, to my benefit. The Snoodler goes over the top and wins.

The Chefs vs. Ngata Chance
In a disturbing development, Derek's team squatted out a disappointing effort last week. In a week of plus-300 games, he barely vaulted 200. Is it a one-off or a possible year-long trend? Certainly Flacco and Martin should be better - but I have my doubts about Johnson, Jackson and Shorts. Ngata on the other hand, surprised us as much as Chip Kelly's offense - but I'm not positive that Vick or Cutler's inconsistency has gone away completely. This call is tougher than watching k-pop punk bands, but like a oil company lounge cocktail waitress with two kids, I'll take the rebound. The Chefs win and then eventually abandon me when my kids start calling him daddy.

Breesus Christ Superstars vs. Chewbacca DST
It's hard to admit this, but Tampa Bay has been reliably terrible since Jon Gruden decided to desecrate the use of the metaphor on nighttime football. Two things, Jon Gruden gets a half-boner every time he talks about Wilson, and Brees plays that terrible Tampa Bay team. On the other side, the whitest sounding non-white guy plays Seattle and Pryor plays Jacksonville - and who knows what the Oakland quarterback will do - we've barely seen him play....prior...to this. Another close game, but I think Bryan squeezes by on matchups. Breesus Christ takes custody of his child the only way he can, by going over the top.

Dirty D vs. Gone in 30 Minutes
Dennis should have won last week, but I rode off with it. Now he faces a resurgent Ryan led by, uh, David Wilson? A word of advice: David Wilson sucks. I drafted him last year and he also fumbled on his first carry. Meanwhile, Dennis knows what he's going to get out of Bush and so does Detroit. Factor in the fact that Rodgers will probably overtake a still rusty RG3, and the receivers being about even, and I say that Dennis squeaks by on this one. It might not make any sense, but Dirty D gets the victory.

The North vs. The Downs Burns
The Manning brothers face off in real life, but also in this fantasy matchup. I'm getting the sense that Peyton is going to punch every team he faces into the sky, which doesn't bode well for Wayne this week. Really, until it's proven otherwise, the rest of the fantasy matchups here don't matter - whether it's Larry's ancient tribe of WR or Wayne's dependence on a superman that's almost as bad as the recent movie (it sucked) - none of it really matters. I bet the North wins...let's see if he meets me half way (across the sky).

Fanciful Fantasy Fun Fortunes Week One 2013

The Snoodler vs. Dirty D
In what I can only assume is Martha Stewart level insider knowledge, Dennis goes all Carnac the Magnificent and picks some random TE out of the free agent dredges who turns out a 35-point game. On the other end of the spectrum, it’s clear to me that Eric Decker clearly took out Peyton Manning’s mother for a nice seafood dinner and never called her back – at least judging by him being the only guy on the entire team who did nothing with that 500-yard, 7 touchdown game. Though I’m trailing early and now have to rely on Darren McFadden for RB points, I think my quarterback tandem will be enough to surpass Dennis this week, but just barely. The Snoodler snoodles his way to victory.

The Lonesome Kicker vs. The Chewbacca Defence
When your parents name you Alfred, they are clearly pursuing one of two strategies: either they want to make you angry the rest of your life, or they are grooming you to wait on brooding, multimillionaire vigilantes. Looks like Morris is the former as that dude runs angry. I’m betting he runs pretty angry this weekend in a divisional game against a pretty suspect Eagles group. Speaking of suspect, Rothlisberger (get it...get it?) isn’t going to touch (get it?) his former fantasy glory; at least not with that turnstile offensive line. Also, Amendola is one strong breeze away from being blown off planet earth – he is literally so small and weak, gravity can’t even help him. The Chewbacca defence rips off the Lonesome Kicker’s arms.

Gone in 30 Minutes vs. The Chefs
Well Thursday was proof that it wasn’t just Tom Brady’s sterling smile and deft touch that led to Welker’s success. Ole rubber neck can also get him the ball pretty frequently which spells good things for this year. Likely this will be a close game, unless RG3 eats a hard tackle. In that case, my guess is he’ll fall apart faster than C3PO (second Star Wars reference if you’re counting). I’ll give the nod to Derek in that both of his running backs are playing defences that are weaker than your dad’s synth rock band. Jackson should benefit from a likely shoot-out and being healthy for one whole game, and the Muscle Hamster will probably run wild over a depleted Jets. The Chefs keytar solo their way to victory.

The Downs Burns vs. Ngata Chance
Nothing says confidence in your favourite team like not starting their defence. That said, it was a good choice on Lindsay’s part to not back his team. I’d be lying to say that I like either of Ngata Chance’s quarterbacks. I don’t. They suck. They were good once. But that was like three years ago. Aside from Lindsay drafting quarterbacks like he draws straight lines, Lynch and Jones-Drew are still dangerous – and probably no less a sure thing than Murray or McCoy. Normally, this would be a walk in the park for Wayne, but Cam Newton will be more Clark Kent than Superman on Sunday. This, despite all my better judgement, gives Lindsay a narrow win. Ngata chance gnaws Wayne’s naugahyde.

The North vs. Breesus Christ Superstars
Unless Drew Brees really transforms into Jesus and performs some kind of divine football miracle, Larry has already screwed Bryan like a Larry/Ryan pig-sex combo. Bryan will probably score a bunch of points too – Wilson, Charles, Brees etc. will probably all have great games, but it’s pretty much just getting tossed into the Peyton Manning void this week. I could keep writing things, but why bother. Who knew a Larry victory would put me into an existentialist funk? Larry goes all Derrida on Bryan’s Sartre this week.