Fanciful Fantasy Fun Fortunes Week Two 2013

The Snoodler vs. The Lonesome Kicker
Like most of my life decisions, unrelenting trust issues fuel my fantasy drafting strategies. Case in point, I no longer trust Tom Brady to be dependably dominant - hence Matt Ryan is now the chained concubine at the foot of my fantasy sex throne (interpret that how you will). I'll go out on a limb and say an angry Falcons will make delicious kabobs out of the rams this weekend - that means Bad Sadford won't exactly light it up. In fact, pretty much all of Ian's players are better than mine, but they play better defenses this week, to my benefit. The Snoodler goes over the top and wins.

The Chefs vs. Ngata Chance
In a disturbing development, Derek's team squatted out a disappointing effort last week. In a week of plus-300 games, he barely vaulted 200. Is it a one-off or a possible year-long trend? Certainly Flacco and Martin should be better - but I have my doubts about Johnson, Jackson and Shorts. Ngata on the other hand, surprised us as much as Chip Kelly's offense - but I'm not positive that Vick or Cutler's inconsistency has gone away completely. This call is tougher than watching k-pop punk bands, but like a oil company lounge cocktail waitress with two kids, I'll take the rebound. The Chefs win and then eventually abandon me when my kids start calling him daddy.

Breesus Christ Superstars vs. Chewbacca DST
It's hard to admit this, but Tampa Bay has been reliably terrible since Jon Gruden decided to desecrate the use of the metaphor on nighttime football. Two things, Jon Gruden gets a half-boner every time he talks about Wilson, and Brees plays that terrible Tampa Bay team. On the other side, the whitest sounding non-white guy plays Seattle and Pryor plays Jacksonville - and who knows what the Oakland quarterback will do - we've barely seen him play....prior...to this. Another close game, but I think Bryan squeezes by on matchups. Breesus Christ takes custody of his child the only way he can, by going over the top.

Dirty D vs. Gone in 30 Minutes
Dennis should have won last week, but I rode off with it. Now he faces a resurgent Ryan led by, uh, David Wilson? A word of advice: David Wilson sucks. I drafted him last year and he also fumbled on his first carry. Meanwhile, Dennis knows what he's going to get out of Bush and so does Detroit. Factor in the fact that Rodgers will probably overtake a still rusty RG3, and the receivers being about even, and I say that Dennis squeaks by on this one. It might not make any sense, but Dirty D gets the victory.

The North vs. The Downs Burns
The Manning brothers face off in real life, but also in this fantasy matchup. I'm getting the sense that Peyton is going to punch every team he faces into the sky, which doesn't bode well for Wayne this week. Really, until it's proven otherwise, the rest of the fantasy matchups here don't matter - whether it's Larry's ancient tribe of WR or Wayne's dependence on a superman that's almost as bad as the recent movie (it sucked) - none of it really matters. I bet the North wins...let's see if he meets me half way (across the sky).