In what I can only assume is Martha Stewart level insider knowledge, Dennis goes all Carnac the Magnificent and picks some random TE out of the free agent dredges who turns out a 35-point game. On the other end of the spectrum, it’s clear to me that Eric Decker clearly took out Peyton Manning’s mother for a nice seafood dinner and never called her back – at least judging by him being the only guy on the entire team who did nothing with that 500-yard, 7 touchdown game. Though I’m trailing early and now have to rely on Darren McFadden for RB points, I think my quarterback tandem will be enough to surpass Dennis this week, but just barely. The Snoodler snoodles his way to victory.
The Lonesome Kicker vs. The Chewbacca Defence
When your parents name you Alfred, they are clearly pursuing one of two strategies: either they want to make you angry the rest of your life, or they are grooming you to wait on brooding, multimillionaire vigilantes. Looks like Morris is the former as that dude runs angry. I’m betting he runs pretty angry this weekend in a divisional game against a pretty suspect Eagles group. Speaking of suspect, Rothlisberger (get it...get it?) isn’t going to touch (get it?) his former fantasy glory; at least not with that turnstile offensive line. Also, Amendola is one strong breeze away from being blown off planet earth – he is literally so small and weak, gravity can’t even help him. The Chewbacca defence rips off the Lonesome Kicker’s arms.
Gone in 30 Minutes vs. The Chefs
Well Thursday was proof that it wasn’t just Tom Brady’s sterling smile and deft touch that led to Welker’s success. Ole rubber neck can also get him the ball pretty frequently which spells good things for this year. Likely this will be a close game, unless RG3 eats a hard tackle. In that case, my guess is he’ll fall apart faster than C3PO (second Star Wars reference if you’re counting). I’ll give the nod to Derek in that both of his running backs are playing defences that are weaker than your dad’s synth rock band. Jackson should benefit from a likely shoot-out and being healthy for one whole game, and the Muscle Hamster will probably run wild over a depleted Jets. The Chefs keytar solo their way to victory.
The Downs Burns vs. Ngata Chance
Nothing says confidence in your favourite team like not starting their defence. That said, it was a good choice on Lindsay’s part to not back his team. I’d be lying to say that I like either of Ngata Chance’s quarterbacks. I don’t. They suck. They were good once. But that was like three years ago. Aside from Lindsay drafting quarterbacks like he draws straight lines, Lynch and Jones-Drew are still dangerous – and probably no less a sure thing than Murray or McCoy. Normally, this would be a walk in the park for Wayne, but Cam Newton will be more Clark Kent than Superman on Sunday. This, despite all my better judgement, gives Lindsay a narrow win. Ngata chance gnaws Wayne’s naugahyde.
The North vs. Breesus Christ Superstars
Unless Drew Brees really transforms into Jesus and performs some kind of divine football miracle, Larry has already screwed Bryan like a Larry/Ryan pig-sex combo. Bryan will probably score a bunch of points too – Wilson, Charles, Brees etc. will probably all have great games, but it’s pretty much just getting tossed into the Peyton Manning void this week. I could keep writing things, but why bother. Who knew a Larry victory would put me into an existentialist funk? Larry goes all Derrida on Bryan’s Sartre this week.
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