Fantasy Funzies Week 8 Picks

The Downs Burns vs. Bare Cupboards

Welker welcomes catches but Tom Brady teases by stealing some of the points - no matter; Wayne wins potentially breaking my fantasy back.

Dirty D vs. Urban Achiever

Dennis is done like diner because Mr. Rodgers isn't visiting his neighborhood this week to give him his regular fantasy fondle, so Paul pounds him with a better than bush new-bush Sproules.

Reckoner vs. PDC

Cassel can't throw footballs and Schaub is not a schlep of late, but it doesn't matter; Reckoner wrecks Ryan with warriors for wideouts; Ryan wimpers with his weak crew and I listen to the Wu-Tang (for life).

Banana Grabbers vs. The Lonesome Kicker

Like my favorite snuff-porn, this week we get brother on brother action - and on the question of who wins - I give my inaugural snoodle award to the older Miller for his slightly mightier talent level; but it will be uncomfortably close like watching movies with me in the basement.

The North vs. The Chefs

It pains me, but Painter and Whitehurst hurt my eyes to watch - here's a living how-to on who not to draft and let there also be a lesson here too - no draft picks means many miserable weeks; unless some act of god intervenes, The Chef cooks up another win.

Fantasy Funzies Week Seven Picks

PDC vs. Banana Grabbers

This week Ryan and Bryan enter into a one-armed knife fight - except Bryan brought both arms - and decided to start two QB's like a normal person. Actually, Bryan's team is kind of sexy in that almost looks like a woman transvestite way - in that he has all the right parts - but you still can't help but notice that baby arm outline in his jeans. This week, Bryan's proverbial penis is the fact that his players have some ugly matchups - but even with that, I'd still drunkenly make out with Bryan's team before Ryan's cast of misfit manboys.

Dirty D vs. Reckoner

Man, I loved Jeff Beck when he was in the Yardbirds. I'm not so thrilled about him starting as a quarterback in the national football league at the age of 67. Oh, wait, you mean this guy is actually John Beck the rookie quarterback? Not like it makes a difference in Washington, where they put the offense in offense. Dennis is always dangerous because he has the Smothers Brothers duo of Rodgers and Turner, but beyond that I'm not sure he'll put a scare in Lindsay this week. Lindsay's joke team has shaped up considerably over the past couple weeks - enough now that they're no laughing matter for the rest of us. Maybe this game would have gone the other way if Bryan started J. Walsh, but he didn't so Lindsay bass solos all over him.

The Lonesome Kicker vs The North

It's only been a few weeks and I hardly recognize these teams anymore - Tim Tebow? Curtis Painter? Jackie Battle? If this matchup proves anything, it's that Ian and Larry are committed to donating as much money to the winner of this year's league than anyone. Speaking of money, remind me not to lend any to the Miller brothers - who are now both totally humped for free agent pickups the rest of the year. Even though Larry has gone into bargain bin mode, I think he has a fighting chance this week - his bad players play bad defenses - but still, we're talking a Steven Segal level of scariness, where Ian will win an ugly one with Bas Rutten-liked badassness.

Bare Cupboards vs. Urban Achiever

You know what really grinds my gears? Women in the workplace. Or, Music today, or the Winter Olympics. Or more importantly, the fact that I'm genuinely starting Maurice Morris, Mike Thomas and Steve Breaston. I thought I would give Paul an early Christmas present this week by playing him - and he can probably use the pat on the back after the punch-in-the-stomach that is playing Derek. Nothing to see here folks, Rivers, Johnson and Sproules take my lunch money - Smith, Bryant and Bowe stuff me in locker because they don't give a squirt of piss about me - Paul wins.

The Downs Burns vs. the Chefs

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? One. Or, how many people believe in JesusWeen - apparently almost 4,000. Really? Because Halloween is evil - except that it originated out of the Catholic All Saints Day as part of the end of a summer harvest. Oh, oh right, yeah, this matchup...well I hate to let everyone down, but Derek wins again. Wayne has a great team, but it's not particularly deep - which means no Green, Gore or Welker this week. This could have been a real battle, but instead, Derek gets to relax, and beat Wayne while reading his favourite magazine.

Fantasy Funzies Week Six Picks

Bare Cupboards vs. Reckoner

It's getting to be that time of year, when bye weeks transform teams from the pristine vision of their draftees in August, into something altogether unrecognizable - horrific patchworks of trades and bottom-rung pickups. My team, in particular, is turning into something grotesque - it has parts of fantasy football players in it - but you wouldn't call it a fantasy football team. Lindsay, on the other hand, has made himself an astute trade - bringing in Matt Ryan's services. And while Ryan constantly makes faces like he's licking a dog turd lollipop on the sidelines, he does have one thing going for himself - he's not Kevin Kolb. With the upgrade and the firepower at running back and wide receiver, Lindsay has fun swinging around my corpse.

Urban Achiever vs. The Chefs

If this was real football, this might be the Monday night game - wait, who am I kidding? The Monday night game would be Larry against Ryan. This would be the game of the week -but only available on some hillbilly regional channel where it plays in the background while a bunch of Arkansas good ol' boys put lipstick on a goat. Speaking of goats wearing lovely shades of soft sienna, if there's one team that knows how to clean up nice using free agents, it' s Derek. For example: Victor Cruz - equally adept at making big or boneheaded plays - but putting up consistent points. The rest of his team I don't even have to mention - they are ridiculous. And as much as I like Paul's team, Derek has a lot of home games and doesn't have anyone from Miami - so while it'll be uncomfortably close, Derek will silently slip out a victory.

Banana Grabbers vs. Dirty D

On the other end of this week's big trade, Bryan has exiled Matt Ryan like the dirty leper we all knew him to be - and while I'm sure this trade will pay dividends getting an upgrade in Vincent Jackson, we're not going to see it this week. Instead, Bryan's rocking Donovan McNabb's soup-filled belly - and like the football Santa he's beginning to resemble - the one thing he consistently gives away is the football - to the other team. Garcon is a good pickup, but this week he won't be who you think he might be against Cincy's formidable pass defense (did I just utter those words?). You might think I'm trolling by picking Dennis, but his team is solid down the line - even a normally bad Campbell gets Cleveland at home.

PDC vs. The North

I can barely contain my excitement for this game - it's like watching two Thai man-lady's fight over that last American dollar dangling out of a tourist's zipper - it has everything you want, desperation, impotent rage and the pungent smell of Old Spice. This game will be close - and that should be no surprise, because these teams will probably be on top of each other all year. I'll give Ryan the slight edge in wide receivers, but Larry has the better running backs. The quarterbacks are a trade-off, except Schaub is playing Baltimore without his snuggly, otherwise known as Andre Johnson. For that fact alone, I'm shining my ethereal golden light on Larry, and breaking a promise to myself - I'm believe he wins and drops Ryan off the proverbial fantasy cliff.

The Downs Burns vs. The Lonesome Kicker

The surprise team against the up-and-comer. Who would've thought that Ian and Wayne would be playing a meaningful game in week six - usually Wayne's season is done by week three, so this really is a pleasant surprise. Who isn't a pleasant surprise is Josh Freeman - why is Wayne starting this guy? All the commentators say he's big and strong, but that only seems to aid him in helping a bunch of plucky kids find a lost pirate ship - it doesn't seem to be helping him play football. For this week, I feel like I need to have a talk with Wayne's team, the let-down kind of talk, you give to the ugly girl in junior high. I like your team Wayne, but I don't like like them this week. Ian has too many soft matchups -and unless Torain gets Shannahaned- it should be enough. Given Wayne's record, it make not make any sense, but I think Ian marches away with this one.

Fantasy Funzies Week Five Picks

PDC vs. The Downs Burns

While it's early yet, one has to be surprised at the Detroit Lions-like resurrection of Wayne's team. I have to say it's the best team Wayne never assembled. Like Edward Scissor hands, Wayne can't help but hurt himself in fantasy football -but with Ryan as a proxy all that is solved. Now the question is - can Ryan's fake team beat Ryan's real team. Unfortunately, the answer is yes. Even though Wayne's backs run with the force of a wet fart, the rest of his team is so scary it makes me scream. Wayne easily judo throws Ryan's scatter-shot team this week.

Dirty D vs. The Lonesome Kicker

Other than the greasy pimple that is Jason Campbell, this matchup looks like two nearly perfect teams ready to do battle. Dennis is sporting a freshly-traded Jordy who happens to my second favourite Jordy of all-time. Add to that potent brew a near-unstoppable Rodgers and Arian Foster going apeshit over the Raiders and it's looking good. Ian's no slouch this week either, Peterson and Tolbert should be ridiculous and I guiltily like Ian's receivers as much as I would an attractive cousin. It'll be close, but Dennis pulls it off in dirty style.

The North vs. Urban Achievers

Another close one this week - right when Larry's team is looking strong, he goes against Paul's solid lineup - a murderer's row of easy matchups. Vick proved he could play hurt and he should give Buffalo fits this week. The rest of his team looks good across the board too - Fitzgerald and McCluster get ideal defenses and Larry's McRunning backs should have a super-sized day (that was awful but not Ferotte with problems awful). Still while it might bug Larry to be the underdog once again, nothing about Paul's team doesn't say victory - Manning, Rivers, Johnson and Sproules are probably gonna light it up this week.

Banana Grabbers vs. Reckoner

Sometimes the way to predict these games is use intricate analysis - pouring over sheets of stats like some even-more asperger's version of Jonah Hill (good movie - go see it!). Other times, it's best look into the stars and divine the winner from the alignment of Orion's belt against Alpha-Centari or some other bullshit. Or you, could do what I'm going to do this week. I predict that Brian will upset Lindsay's team, going against logic and their recent records, because Brian has Spider-man on his team. How can I possibly go against the team who has a man who can spin a web any size and catch thieves just like flies?

Bare Cupboards vs. The Chefs

It's funny how imminent defeat can be such a freeing feeling - knowing that I'm facing pure, utter destruction at the hands of Derek, I can freely flail away with no consequence. Sure, I think Redman might be okay this week and Jones will do alright, but really who cares? Stafford and Brees are gonna eat my lunch, and the Johnson's are going to kick sand in my face and steal my girlfriend. Even if I think my team is a proverbial bear - Derek's team is the hulk and hulk beats bear anytime - don't believe - this documentary footage says it to be true.

Fantasy Funzies Week Four Picks

Reckoner vs. Urban Achiever

If Lindsay’s team were a Magic the Gathering Card, it would be one that gets a -1/-1 counter for every week that Peyton Manning doesn’t play. He may be one game above .500, but perilously so. And this week will demonstrate the reason why – because Sanchez and Kolb only look proficient against the limpest of competition. And while I like Forte and Jackson’s matchups – I think Paul has the overall better package this week (seriously, I’m not trying to make Penis metaphors – football just makes everything sound homoerotic – or maybe I just make everything sound homoerotic – I’ll let you decide). I see this as the week Johnson finally stops laying turds on the turf, and even though Steve Smith is a) ancient, b) 3-11 and c) looks like a black Hans Moleman – it’s probably enough for Paul to go dancing to a win.

The Lonesome Kicker vs. The Chefs

I’d call this the tilt of the week, except history has proven that though Ian may have a lot of fantasy points – he doesn’t have a lot of luck. Despite all these years of misfortune, I think this is the week that Ian can finally climb down into his basement, turn on that dingy, dangling light bulb, marvel one last time at his collected jars of tears – all labeled by year, and then set forth pouring them down the floor drain. If he was nice, he’d also let the gimp out of the box for some air – sleeping or not. Anyway, enough of Ian’s crazy leather-sex-mask ways...football, football...so yeah, Derek has a good team, so does Ian, except his running backs don’t punch people in face – over multiple occasions. Considering history, this is a pretty magnificent upset for Miller.

The Downs Burns vs. Banana Grabbers

I think somebody better call some kind of special white-collar crime division for this matchup – because it features two of the biggest fantasy frauds in recent memory. Like a nice pair of fingerless gloves, Matt Ryan might look badass, but in reality he’s kind of useless when you really think about it. This is especially true when you consider how many tools he has at his disposal, yet he still puts up some pretty mediocre numbers. I’d give Freeman a pass, but he’s had a couple of years of light scrutiny while Tampa rebuilds. Now, in what, his third year – he’s not exactly shooting fireworks out of his fingertips. To make it simple, If this was a pro-line game, I’d pass on it because it feels like a trap game. Bryan should probably win, but who knows if Tom Brady will only pass to Welker again. That kind of thing makes Wayne dangerous. I’ll wager that’s a no two weeks and a row and go with Bryan on this less than exciting matchup.

Dirty D vs. The North

Forget what I said about the above matchup. This one makes me glad my computer isn’t scratch-n-sniff. As Ian deftly pointed out, I corrected myself by not picking Dennis last week. Now you think I would’ve learned something – and I did – and that’s this fact – there’s no worse insult than telling a man that his fantasy team is probably going to lose to Dennis’, which is what I’m saying to Larry. I’m sorry Larry. I really am, but I can’t see my way around this one – with a hurt Vick, a time-sharing Cadillac and an occasionally non-existent Branch, it’s hard to see a victory over Dennis – whose players finally get some pretty favorable teams to play. Grossman should be more man than gross this week, and Rodgers will ramrod Denver. Plus even with me down on Blount and Turner, I can’t deny them some nice stats this week. I know tongues will be wagging, but I've gotta go with Dennis this week.

Bare Cupboards vs. PDC

I haven’t favored myself once yet this year, and that’s out of fear that I might ruin a good thing going. This week though, I have to tilt the hat to my side, if only because a significant portion of Ryan’s team plays a pretty solid defense. Mind you, even with the Texans being effectively cancelled out, I’ve got a cautious eye on a resurgent Felix Jones and an ever-deadly McCoy. Still, I have an angry Tom Brady on my hands – who is all too likely to use the abuse side of his pimp slap on the Raiders this weekend. That and I’m super high on my free-agent wide receivers – and I have to be – after literally selling a kidney (a fantasy kidney mind you) to get them. While I don’t think it will be a slaughter-fest, I’ve got a feeling I can pull this one out like a catholic boy at the back of a church mixer – calling my own victory never sounded so sweet.