Reckoner vs Urban Achiever
Paul wanted Mallrats Kevin Smith, but instead he got Cop Out as the Lions were too busy tripping over their own feet to produce any meaningful fantasy points. Actually more troubling is that David Akers was one chip shot away from being Paul’s current fantasy leader for this week. I’m not saying I’m some kind of Nostradamus with three games in the bag, but I like Lindsay’s chances seeing how the Ravens gave Alex Smith a rocket ship ride back to reality. The rest of Reckoner’s opponents are weaker than a cancer kid's handshake, so I’ll say he hands Paul a second, alarming loss.
PDC vs. The Lonesome Kicker
Despite Ian jumping out of the gate this week, I’m positive this game will be close by Sunday’s end. Maybe not 199-199 tie close, but enough to produce a bit of perspiration on Mr. Miller’s brow – after all, games actually matter for him. Not so for Ryan who can just sit back and play spoiler while tasting the bitter tears of another ruined year. Speaking of bitter, ruined things – we now welcome Matt Leinart to our 2011 fantasy football league. Fortunately he’s playing the Jacksonville Jones Drews this week. Stack him up with the oddly serviceable Andy Dalton and there’s faint hope there – but by faint, I mean like an elevator fart after stopping three floors – in other words, when Ian gets on, he’ll know something’s wrong, but won’t know where the source of the dark magic began. Even though his senses will be mildly assaulted, Ian will just do that shirt thing and move on.
Banana Grabbers vs Downs Burns
Another close one, but looking into my magic eight ball, the answer I get is “check back later.” Wait, WTF magic eight ball? I want an answer. Let’s try again...”concentrate and ask again.” I can’t believe I paid a whole seven dollars for you at Tropicana...I could’ve gotten three witty beer t-shirts or a Bob Marley wig for that money. Okay, maybe I’ll tell it about who’s playing. Cam Newton against lacklustre Indy...Michael Bush against Chicago...alright...”cannot predict now.” Okay, how about a now alive Antonio Gates against Ponder playing Atlanta...? “Reply hazy, try again later.” Okay, so it’s going to be a slugfest and too close to rely on technology to decide. I’ve got to pick somebody – so, I’ll take Wayne for momentum’s sake and making the playoffs for the perfect mind fuck.
Dirty D vs. The Chefs
A couple more players for each team and I could’ve saved myself the trouble this week. Admittedly, I make fun of Dennis a lot (it’s all in jest I promise), but his team scores a lot of points. With Foster in his pocket, there’s a ton of potential for a ridiculous stat line come Sunday. And while I like Derek’s team, nobody there is screaming to go off. All things being equal, both Dennis and Derek had big ticket players disappoint this week – but it hurts The Chefs a lot more to come up lame with Ray Rice than it does for Dennis to get a quiet Nelson or a usually crummy Crabtree. So what happens? Well, it’s a slim lead right now and it’ll probably stay that way to the end, but I’ll say that Dennis finds a way to win this week.
Bare Cupboards vs. The North
C’mon Tom Brady! You could’ve walked three steps and saved me the agony of tie. Ties are worse than wins or losses – it’s the fantasy equivalent of purgatory – at least when you’re in Heaven or Hell, you know where you stand. Also, thank you Nate Burleson for being crappy this week – I totally forgot about the super early Thanksgiving start times, but hey, you saved me from starting you. Finally a game Larry and I have a chance of winning – and like pretty much every other matchup this week – this one will probably come down to the wire. While I have the second best Julio around, Larry has the second best Fitzgerald. If I was to give someone an edge, I’d say me only because I’d take Brady over Grossman. So, lets’ break it down: I’ll take the edge in quarterbacks, perhaps Larry in running backs and wide receivers are kind of a wasteland – but mine are minutely less noxious because of Jimmy Graham, so we’ll say that I fail upwards this week
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Fantasy Funzies Week 11 Picks
The Chefs vs. Banana Grabbers
Derek’s team is to Drew Brees like a Hermaphrodite is to makeup and a tidy tuck – Derek is simply not as appealing when Brees is not there. Fortunately, it hardly matters when you’re slapping stepchildren as ugly as Brian’s team. Outside of maybe me, Brian plays the fantasy wide receiver wire like the loosest slots this side of Great Falls Montana (if you haven’t been to Montana, then this joke is lost on you and you are a terrible person too). Too bad, the weekly gambles on the likes of Garcon, Bennet and Jenkins isn’t really paying off – better to save those twoonies and pick up a slurpee – it’s doubly more rewarding, and delicious. Derek gets Brian-freeze this week, but still wins.
The North vs. Reckoner
It would be unfair to prematurely judge this matchup based on the fact that Greene, Decker and Larson totalled fewer points than the price of a happy meal – but I’m about as comfortable getting a Jerry Sandusky backrub as I am in putting stock in Grossman’s ability not to throw the football squarely into the chests of his opponents. Not like Lindsay really has anything to write home about – his reliance on the Jets is troubling – because they kind of suck – but not in that totally terrible it’s like a wonderful falling feeling kind of release way (like the Colts) – but in that Eagles version of sucking – where they just disappoint you like some kind of wayward child who keeps eating glue. Anyway, Lindsay can eat as much glue as he wants – it’s not the worst thing you can be – you can be Larry’s team, the one that smells faintly like urine and soup.
PDC vs. Dirty D
Speaking of free-falling, Ryan can probably hang on to that parachute because he gets the one man-team that is Dennis’s Aaron Rodgers. If it isn’t already obvious, let me visualize it for you – Aaron Rodgers is coming down the road – wait...what’s that on his back, some kind of shape...no, hold on...it’s a man....oh, it’s a grown man, and it’s Dennis...and Aaron Rodgers is giving him the ultimate piggy back ride. Too bad that ride ends at not being in the playoffs and maybe getting the first round pick. I’m not worried. If there was one person who I’m rooting for getting the number one pick – other than me – it’s Dennis – because his picks are like favors for the other teams. He picks the bad players so you don’t have to...Go Dennis!
The Downs Burns vs Urban Achiever
One of the few matchups that actually matters – Wayne is dropping like something hot...actually more like a hot turd out of an Occupy Calgary protester. Well, this is Wayne’s season – if he doesn’t do it here, he’ll be like the Bills – another empty promise unfulfilled. Can’t say I’m excited about either Flacco or Newton, but they gotta come through sometime – like a fool, I’ll go out on a limb and say it’s this week, again. Plus McCoy and Gore are definitively better than either of Paul’s backs who I think hit their high-water mark over the past couple weeks. Throw in some bad defenses for his wideouts and I say Wayne lives another week and wins the rubber match.
Bare Cupboards vs. The Lonesome Kickers
My name is Dean and I have an abused fantasy football team. Last week, when I didn’t think Tom Brady was paying attention, I went to the grocery store and talked to Jay Cutler. I mean, Tom hadn’t been playing well, so you know, I just thought...well Tom found out and he taught me a lesson. Just like a few weeks past when Bejarvis-Green-Useless wasn’t doing anything and so I leaned over my fence and whispered to Brandon Jacobs about playing for me. Green-Useless found out and gave me the business end of the fantasy phone book. Sunday hasn’t started and I can already bet that Cutler won’t match Tebow for production, and even though I like most of my matchups, I don’t want to get out of line again lest the Patriots help me “fall into a doorknob” or “slip down the stairs.” Instead, I’ll let Ian give me a taste of his backhand this week.
Derek’s team is to Drew Brees like a Hermaphrodite is to makeup and a tidy tuck – Derek is simply not as appealing when Brees is not there. Fortunately, it hardly matters when you’re slapping stepchildren as ugly as Brian’s team. Outside of maybe me, Brian plays the fantasy wide receiver wire like the loosest slots this side of Great Falls Montana (if you haven’t been to Montana, then this joke is lost on you and you are a terrible person too). Too bad, the weekly gambles on the likes of Garcon, Bennet and Jenkins isn’t really paying off – better to save those twoonies and pick up a slurpee – it’s doubly more rewarding, and delicious. Derek gets Brian-freeze this week, but still wins.
The North vs. Reckoner
It would be unfair to prematurely judge this matchup based on the fact that Greene, Decker and Larson totalled fewer points than the price of a happy meal – but I’m about as comfortable getting a Jerry Sandusky backrub as I am in putting stock in Grossman’s ability not to throw the football squarely into the chests of his opponents. Not like Lindsay really has anything to write home about – his reliance on the Jets is troubling – because they kind of suck – but not in that totally terrible it’s like a wonderful falling feeling kind of release way (like the Colts) – but in that Eagles version of sucking – where they just disappoint you like some kind of wayward child who keeps eating glue. Anyway, Lindsay can eat as much glue as he wants – it’s not the worst thing you can be – you can be Larry’s team, the one that smells faintly like urine and soup.
PDC vs. Dirty D
Speaking of free-falling, Ryan can probably hang on to that parachute because he gets the one man-team that is Dennis’s Aaron Rodgers. If it isn’t already obvious, let me visualize it for you – Aaron Rodgers is coming down the road – wait...what’s that on his back, some kind of shape...no, hold on...it’s a man....oh, it’s a grown man, and it’s Dennis...and Aaron Rodgers is giving him the ultimate piggy back ride. Too bad that ride ends at not being in the playoffs and maybe getting the first round pick. I’m not worried. If there was one person who I’m rooting for getting the number one pick – other than me – it’s Dennis – because his picks are like favors for the other teams. He picks the bad players so you don’t have to...Go Dennis!
The Downs Burns vs Urban Achiever
One of the few matchups that actually matters – Wayne is dropping like something hot...actually more like a hot turd out of an Occupy Calgary protester. Well, this is Wayne’s season – if he doesn’t do it here, he’ll be like the Bills – another empty promise unfulfilled. Can’t say I’m excited about either Flacco or Newton, but they gotta come through sometime – like a fool, I’ll go out on a limb and say it’s this week, again. Plus McCoy and Gore are definitively better than either of Paul’s backs who I think hit their high-water mark over the past couple weeks. Throw in some bad defenses for his wideouts and I say Wayne lives another week and wins the rubber match.
Bare Cupboards vs. The Lonesome Kickers
My name is Dean and I have an abused fantasy football team. Last week, when I didn’t think Tom Brady was paying attention, I went to the grocery store and talked to Jay Cutler. I mean, Tom hadn’t been playing well, so you know, I just thought...well Tom found out and he taught me a lesson. Just like a few weeks past when Bejarvis-Green-Useless wasn’t doing anything and so I leaned over my fence and whispered to Brandon Jacobs about playing for me. Green-Useless found out and gave me the business end of the fantasy phone book. Sunday hasn’t started and I can already bet that Cutler won’t match Tebow for production, and even though I like most of my matchups, I don’t want to get out of line again lest the Patriots help me “fall into a doorknob” or “slip down the stairs.” Instead, I’ll let Ian give me a taste of his backhand this week.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Fantasy Funzies Week Ten Picks
Bare Cupboards gets the final countdown to the final beatdown - Dennis wins!
Reckoner wrecks Lonesome Kicker - Lindsay wins!
The Chefs get cooking some Coalition - Derek wins!
Keith Urban Achiever strums out another victory - Paul wins!
Downs Burns cares enough to play playing players so he wins - Wayne wins!
Reckoner wrecks Lonesome Kicker - Lindsay wins!
The Chefs get cooking some Coalition - Derek wins!
Keith Urban Achiever strums out another victory - Paul wins!
Downs Burns cares enough to play playing players so he wins - Wayne wins!
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Fantasy Funzies Week Nine Picks
Bare Cupboards vs. The Chefs
For my team, moral victories are going to be the only ones that count. Think of this is me ascending a steep mountain, only to reach the cliff top, fingertips clasped to the edge, and then Derek steps on them and I plummet into the fantasy depths. Bye weeks make this a little closer than it should be, but that's hardly a comfort - there's just too much talent there - Derek stops me out.
PDC vs. Urban Achiever
Oh, the optimism of the fallen -how foolhardy faint hope makes some people. No Ryan, Reggie Bush doing well was like a miraculous shooting star firing purple sparks against an orange-pink sunset. It won't happen again. What will happen is Paul pulling out a victory, albeit another close one - put the blame there on Rivers dropping the ball more than actually passing it - luckily (questionably) Eli Manning becomes the savior against a 32nd ranked NE defense.
Lonesome Kicker vs. Dirty D
Could this be the last of Tebow? For meme's sake, I hope not. Kind of a weird matchup - I think Dennis' team should be better then they are - maybe it's the fact he tends to end up in shoot outs, but always seems to get the wrong end of the human centipede. No matter, takes Ian down to his naked puzzle basement. Ian has some talent, but Tebow and Tolbert aren't enough this week, and Dennis emotionally cripples Miller.
Reckoner vs. Downs Burns
If it wasn't for the ongoing mental retardation of some of Wayne's opponents, like those who depend on NE running backs, his record might not be so luminous. This week is a real test with resurgent Lindsay and his once laughable depth now working in his favor. I think this week we see who the pretender is - my money's on Wayne....losing. If Vick continues playing at a high level, nothing Cam Newton can do can counter it - and I'd taken my chances with Bolden, Marshall and Jackson over a one-dimensional Welker and Where's Waldo Brandon Lloyd Weber.
Banana Grabbers vs. The North
A disastrous fantasy football season is often more beautiful and more enthralling than a good one - a lot of times, a good season is all about luck and the occasional smart draft or pickup. An epically bad season takes a lot more anti-luck and poor decisions, compounding on each other until it reaches critical mass and implodes in upon itself like a black hole. At this point, Larry's team has nearly reached singularity - all Bryan's team has to do is step to the side and walk on by, but and here's a big but....I don't think we're there yet...for this week, I'm gonna go with Larry - my brain says no, but my gut says yes (or maybe it's late night Wendy's - I guess they are kind of the same thing).
For my team, moral victories are going to be the only ones that count. Think of this is me ascending a steep mountain, only to reach the cliff top, fingertips clasped to the edge, and then Derek steps on them and I plummet into the fantasy depths. Bye weeks make this a little closer than it should be, but that's hardly a comfort - there's just too much talent there - Derek stops me out.
PDC vs. Urban Achiever
Oh, the optimism of the fallen -how foolhardy faint hope makes some people. No Ryan, Reggie Bush doing well was like a miraculous shooting star firing purple sparks against an orange-pink sunset. It won't happen again. What will happen is Paul pulling out a victory, albeit another close one - put the blame there on Rivers dropping the ball more than actually passing it - luckily (questionably) Eli Manning becomes the savior against a 32nd ranked NE defense.
Lonesome Kicker vs. Dirty D
Could this be the last of Tebow? For meme's sake, I hope not. Kind of a weird matchup - I think Dennis' team should be better then they are - maybe it's the fact he tends to end up in shoot outs, but always seems to get the wrong end of the human centipede. No matter, takes Ian down to his naked puzzle basement. Ian has some talent, but Tebow and Tolbert aren't enough this week, and Dennis emotionally cripples Miller.
Reckoner vs. Downs Burns
If it wasn't for the ongoing mental retardation of some of Wayne's opponents, like those who depend on NE running backs, his record might not be so luminous. This week is a real test with resurgent Lindsay and his once laughable depth now working in his favor. I think this week we see who the pretender is - my money's on Wayne....losing. If Vick continues playing at a high level, nothing Cam Newton can do can counter it - and I'd taken my chances with Bolden, Marshall and Jackson over a one-dimensional Welker and Where's Waldo Brandon Lloyd Weber.
Banana Grabbers vs. The North
A disastrous fantasy football season is often more beautiful and more enthralling than a good one - a lot of times, a good season is all about luck and the occasional smart draft or pickup. An epically bad season takes a lot more anti-luck and poor decisions, compounding on each other until it reaches critical mass and implodes in upon itself like a black hole. At this point, Larry's team has nearly reached singularity - all Bryan's team has to do is step to the side and walk on by, but and here's a big but....I don't think we're there yet...for this week, I'm gonna go with Larry - my brain says no, but my gut says yes (or maybe it's late night Wendy's - I guess they are kind of the same thing).
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Fantasy Funzies Week 8 Picks
The Downs Burns vs. Bare Cupboards
Welker welcomes catches but Tom Brady teases by stealing some of the points - no matter; Wayne wins potentially breaking my fantasy back.
Dirty D vs. Urban Achiever
Dennis is done like diner because Mr. Rodgers isn't visiting his neighborhood this week to give him his regular fantasy fondle, so Paul pounds him with a better than bush new-bush Sproules.
Reckoner vs. PDC
Cassel can't throw footballs and Schaub is not a schlep of late, but it doesn't matter; Reckoner wrecks Ryan with warriors for wideouts; Ryan wimpers with his weak crew and I listen to the Wu-Tang (for life).
Banana Grabbers vs. The Lonesome Kicker
Like my favorite snuff-porn, this week we get brother on brother action - and on the question of who wins - I give my inaugural snoodle award to the older Miller for his slightly mightier talent level; but it will be uncomfortably close like watching movies with me in the basement.
The North vs. The Chefs
It pains me, but Painter and Whitehurst hurt my eyes to watch - here's a living how-to on who not to draft and let there also be a lesson here too - no draft picks means many miserable weeks; unless some act of god intervenes, The Chef cooks up another win.
Welker welcomes catches but Tom Brady teases by stealing some of the points - no matter; Wayne wins potentially breaking my fantasy back.
Dirty D vs. Urban Achiever
Dennis is done like diner because Mr. Rodgers isn't visiting his neighborhood this week to give him his regular fantasy fondle, so Paul pounds him with a better than bush new-bush Sproules.
Reckoner vs. PDC
Cassel can't throw footballs and Schaub is not a schlep of late, but it doesn't matter; Reckoner wrecks Ryan with warriors for wideouts; Ryan wimpers with his weak crew and I listen to the Wu-Tang (for life).
Banana Grabbers vs. The Lonesome Kicker
Like my favorite snuff-porn, this week we get brother on brother action - and on the question of who wins - I give my inaugural snoodle award to the older Miller for his slightly mightier talent level; but it will be uncomfortably close like watching movies with me in the basement.
The North vs. The Chefs
It pains me, but Painter and Whitehurst hurt my eyes to watch - here's a living how-to on who not to draft and let there also be a lesson here too - no draft picks means many miserable weeks; unless some act of god intervenes, The Chef cooks up another win.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Fantasy Funzies Week Seven Picks
PDC vs. Banana Grabbers
This week Ryan and Bryan enter into a one-armed knife fight - except Bryan brought both arms - and decided to start two QB's like a normal person. Actually, Bryan's team is kind of sexy in that almost looks like a woman transvestite way - in that he has all the right parts - but you still can't help but notice that baby arm outline in his jeans. This week, Bryan's proverbial penis is the fact that his players have some ugly matchups - but even with that, I'd still drunkenly make out with Bryan's team before Ryan's cast of misfit manboys.
Dirty D vs. Reckoner
This week Ryan and Bryan enter into a one-armed knife fight - except Bryan brought both arms - and decided to start two QB's like a normal person. Actually, Bryan's team is kind of sexy in that almost looks like a woman transvestite way - in that he has all the right parts - but you still can't help but notice that baby arm outline in his jeans. This week, Bryan's proverbial penis is the fact that his players have some ugly matchups - but even with that, I'd still drunkenly make out with Bryan's team before Ryan's cast of misfit manboys.
Dirty D vs. Reckoner
Man, I loved Jeff Beck when he was in the Yardbirds. I'm not so thrilled about him starting as a quarterback in the national football league at the age of 67. Oh, wait, you mean this guy is actually John Beck the rookie quarterback? Not like it makes a difference in Washington, where they put the offense in offense. Dennis is always dangerous because he has the Smothers Brothers duo of Rodgers and Turner, but beyond that I'm not sure he'll put a scare in Lindsay this week. Lindsay's joke team has shaped up considerably over the past couple weeks - enough now that they're no laughing matter for the rest of us. Maybe this game would have gone the other way if Bryan started J. Walsh, but he didn't so Lindsay bass solos all over him.
The Lonesome Kicker vs The North
It's only been a few weeks and I hardly recognize these teams anymore - Tim Tebow? Curtis Painter? Jackie Battle? If this matchup proves anything, it's that Ian and Larry are committed to donating as much money to the winner of this year's league than anyone. Speaking of money, remind me not to lend any to the Miller brothers - who are now both totally humped for free agent pickups the rest of the year. Even though Larry has gone into bargain bin mode, I think he has a fighting chance this week - his bad players play bad defenses - but still, we're talking a Steven Segal level of scariness, where Ian will win an ugly one with Bas Rutten-liked badassness.
Bare Cupboards vs. Urban Achiever
You know what really grinds my gears? Women in the workplace. Or, Music today, or the Winter Olympics. Or more importantly, the fact that I'm genuinely starting Maurice Morris, Mike Thomas and Steve Breaston. I thought I would give Paul an early Christmas present this week by playing him - and he can probably use the pat on the back after the punch-in-the-stomach that is playing Derek. Nothing to see here folks, Rivers, Johnson and Sproules take my lunch money - Smith, Bryant and Bowe stuff me in locker because they don't give a squirt of piss about me - Paul wins.
The Downs Burns vs. the Chefs
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? One. Or, how many people believe in JesusWeen - apparently almost 4,000. Really? Because Halloween is evil - except that it originated out of the Catholic All Saints Day as part of the end of a summer harvest. Oh, oh right, yeah, this matchup...well I hate to let everyone down, but Derek wins again. Wayne has a great team, but it's not particularly deep - which means no Green, Gore or Welker this week. This could have been a real battle, but instead, Derek gets to relax, and beat Wayne while reading his favourite magazine.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Fantasy Funzies Week Six Picks
Bare Cupboards vs. Reckoner
It's getting to be that time of year, when bye weeks transform teams from the pristine vision of their draftees in August, into something altogether unrecognizable - horrific patchworks of trades and bottom-rung pickups. My team, in particular, is turning into something grotesque - it has parts of fantasy football players in it - but you wouldn't call it a fantasy football team. Lindsay, on the other hand, has made himself an astute trade - bringing in Matt Ryan's services. And while Ryan constantly makes faces like he's licking a dog turd lollipop on the sidelines, he does have one thing going for himself - he's not Kevin Kolb. With the upgrade and the firepower at running back and wide receiver, Lindsay has fun swinging around my corpse.
Urban Achiever vs. The Chefs
If this was real football, this might be the Monday night game - wait, who am I kidding? The Monday night game would be Larry against Ryan. This would be the game of the week -but only available on some hillbilly regional channel where it plays in the background while a bunch of Arkansas good ol' boys put lipstick on a goat. Speaking of goats wearing lovely shades of soft sienna, if there's one team that knows how to clean up nice using free agents, it' s Derek. For example: Victor Cruz - equally adept at making big or boneheaded plays - but putting up consistent points. The rest of his team I don't even have to mention - they are ridiculous. And as much as I like Paul's team, Derek has a lot of home games and doesn't have anyone from Miami - so while it'll be uncomfortably close, Derek will silently slip out a victory.
Banana Grabbers vs. Dirty D
On the other end of this week's big trade, Bryan has exiled Matt Ryan like the dirty leper we all knew him to be - and while I'm sure this trade will pay dividends getting an upgrade in Vincent Jackson, we're not going to see it this week. Instead, Bryan's rocking Donovan McNabb's soup-filled belly - and like the football Santa he's beginning to resemble - the one thing he consistently gives away is the football - to the other team. Garcon is a good pickup, but this week he won't be who you think he might be against Cincy's formidable pass defense (did I just utter those words?). You might think I'm trolling by picking Dennis, but his team is solid down the line - even a normally bad Campbell gets Cleveland at home.
PDC vs. The North
I can barely contain my excitement for this game - it's like watching two Thai man-lady's fight over that last American dollar dangling out of a tourist's zipper - it has everything you want, desperation, impotent rage and the pungent smell of Old Spice. This game will be close - and that should be no surprise, because these teams will probably be on top of each other all year. I'll give Ryan the slight edge in wide receivers, but Larry has the better running backs. The quarterbacks are a trade-off, except Schaub is playing Baltimore without his snuggly, otherwise known as Andre Johnson. For that fact alone, I'm shining my ethereal golden light on Larry, and breaking a promise to myself - I'm believe he wins and drops Ryan off the proverbial fantasy cliff.
The Downs Burns vs. The Lonesome Kicker
The surprise team against the up-and-comer. Who would've thought that Ian and Wayne would be playing a meaningful game in week six - usually Wayne's season is done by week three, so this really is a pleasant surprise. Who isn't a pleasant surprise is Josh Freeman - why is Wayne starting this guy? All the commentators say he's big and strong, but that only seems to aid him in helping a bunch of plucky kids find a lost pirate ship - it doesn't seem to be helping him play football. For this week, I feel like I need to have a talk with Wayne's team, the let-down kind of talk, you give to the ugly girl in junior high. I like your team Wayne, but I don't like like them this week. Ian has too many soft matchups -and unless Torain gets Shannahaned- it should be enough. Given Wayne's record, it make not make any sense, but I think Ian marches away with this one.
It's getting to be that time of year, when bye weeks transform teams from the pristine vision of their draftees in August, into something altogether unrecognizable - horrific patchworks of trades and bottom-rung pickups. My team, in particular, is turning into something grotesque - it has parts of fantasy football players in it - but you wouldn't call it a fantasy football team. Lindsay, on the other hand, has made himself an astute trade - bringing in Matt Ryan's services. And while Ryan constantly makes faces like he's licking a dog turd lollipop on the sidelines, he does have one thing going for himself - he's not Kevin Kolb. With the upgrade and the firepower at running back and wide receiver, Lindsay has fun swinging around my corpse.
Urban Achiever vs. The Chefs
If this was real football, this might be the Monday night game - wait, who am I kidding? The Monday night game would be Larry against Ryan. This would be the game of the week -but only available on some hillbilly regional channel where it plays in the background while a bunch of Arkansas good ol' boys put lipstick on a goat. Speaking of goats wearing lovely shades of soft sienna, if there's one team that knows how to clean up nice using free agents, it' s Derek. For example: Victor Cruz - equally adept at making big or boneheaded plays - but putting up consistent points. The rest of his team I don't even have to mention - they are ridiculous. And as much as I like Paul's team, Derek has a lot of home games and doesn't have anyone from Miami - so while it'll be uncomfortably close, Derek will silently slip out a victory.
Banana Grabbers vs. Dirty D
On the other end of this week's big trade, Bryan has exiled Matt Ryan like the dirty leper we all knew him to be - and while I'm sure this trade will pay dividends getting an upgrade in Vincent Jackson, we're not going to see it this week. Instead, Bryan's rocking Donovan McNabb's soup-filled belly - and like the football Santa he's beginning to resemble - the one thing he consistently gives away is the football - to the other team. Garcon is a good pickup, but this week he won't be who you think he might be against Cincy's formidable pass defense (did I just utter those words?). You might think I'm trolling by picking Dennis, but his team is solid down the line - even a normally bad Campbell gets Cleveland at home.
PDC vs. The North
I can barely contain my excitement for this game - it's like watching two Thai man-lady's fight over that last American dollar dangling out of a tourist's zipper - it has everything you want, desperation, impotent rage and the pungent smell of Old Spice. This game will be close - and that should be no surprise, because these teams will probably be on top of each other all year. I'll give Ryan the slight edge in wide receivers, but Larry has the better running backs. The quarterbacks are a trade-off, except Schaub is playing Baltimore without his snuggly, otherwise known as Andre Johnson. For that fact alone, I'm shining my ethereal golden light on Larry, and breaking a promise to myself - I'm believe he wins and drops Ryan off the proverbial fantasy cliff.
The Downs Burns vs. The Lonesome Kicker
The surprise team against the up-and-comer. Who would've thought that Ian and Wayne would be playing a meaningful game in week six - usually Wayne's season is done by week three, so this really is a pleasant surprise. Who isn't a pleasant surprise is Josh Freeman - why is Wayne starting this guy? All the commentators say he's big and strong, but that only seems to aid him in helping a bunch of plucky kids find a lost pirate ship - it doesn't seem to be helping him play football. For this week, I feel like I need to have a talk with Wayne's team, the let-down kind of talk, you give to the ugly girl in junior high. I like your team Wayne, but I don't like like them this week. Ian has too many soft matchups -and unless Torain gets Shannahaned- it should be enough. Given Wayne's record, it make not make any sense, but I think Ian marches away with this one.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Fantasy Funzies Week Five Picks
PDC vs. The Downs Burns
While it's early yet, one has to be surprised at the Detroit Lions-like resurrection of Wayne's team. I have to say it's the best team Wayne never assembled. Like Edward Scissor hands, Wayne can't help but hurt himself in fantasy football -but with Ryan as a proxy all that is solved. Now the question is - can Ryan's fake team beat Ryan's real team. Unfortunately, the answer is yes. Even though Wayne's backs run with the force of a wet fart, the rest of his team is so scary it makes me scream. Wayne easily judo throws Ryan's scatter-shot team this week.
Dirty D vs. The Lonesome Kicker
Other than the greasy pimple that is Jason Campbell, this matchup looks like two nearly perfect teams ready to do battle. Dennis is sporting a freshly-traded Jordy who happens to my second favourite Jordy of all-time. Add to that potent brew a near-unstoppable Rodgers and Arian Foster going apeshit over the Raiders and it's looking good. Ian's no slouch this week either, Peterson and Tolbert should be ridiculous and I guiltily like Ian's receivers as much as I would an attractive cousin. It'll be close, but Dennis pulls it off in dirty style.
The North vs. Urban Achievers
Another close one this week - right when Larry's team is looking strong, he goes against Paul's solid lineup - a murderer's row of easy matchups. Vick proved he could play hurt and he should give Buffalo fits this week. The rest of his team looks good across the board too - Fitzgerald and McCluster get ideal defenses and Larry's McRunning backs should have a super-sized day (that was awful but not Ferotte with problems awful). Still while it might bug Larry to be the underdog once again, nothing about Paul's team doesn't say victory - Manning, Rivers, Johnson and Sproules are probably gonna light it up this week.
Banana Grabbers vs. Reckoner
Sometimes the way to predict these games is use intricate analysis - pouring over sheets of stats like some even-more asperger's version of Jonah Hill (good movie - go see it!). Other times, it's best look into the stars and divine the winner from the alignment of Orion's belt against Alpha-Centari or some other bullshit. Or you, could do what I'm going to do this week. I predict that Brian will upset Lindsay's team, going against logic and their recent records, because Brian has Spider-man on his team. How can I possibly go against the team who has a man who can spin a web any size and catch thieves just like flies?
Bare Cupboards vs. The Chefs
It's funny how imminent defeat can be such a freeing feeling - knowing that I'm facing pure, utter destruction at the hands of Derek, I can freely flail away with no consequence. Sure, I think Redman might be okay this week and Jones will do alright, but really who cares? Stafford and Brees are gonna eat my lunch, and the Johnson's are going to kick sand in my face and steal my girlfriend. Even if I think my team is a proverbial bear - Derek's team is the hulk and hulk beats bear anytime - don't believe - this documentary footage says it to be true.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Fantasy Funzies Week Four Picks
Reckoner vs. Urban Achiever
If Lindsay’s team were a Magic the Gathering Card, it would be one that gets a -1/-1 counter for every week that Peyton Manning doesn’t play. He may be one game above .500, but perilously so. And this week will demonstrate the reason why – because Sanchez and Kolb only look proficient against the limpest of competition. And while I like Forte and Jackson’s matchups – I think Paul has the overall better package this week (seriously, I’m not trying to make Penis metaphors – football just makes everything sound homoerotic – or maybe I just make everything sound homoerotic – I’ll let you decide). I see this as the week Johnson finally stops laying turds on the turf, and even though Steve Smith is a) ancient, b) 3-11 and c) looks like a black Hans Moleman – it’s probably enough for Paul to go dancing to a win.
The Lonesome Kicker vs. The Chefs
I’d call this the tilt of the week, except history has proven that though Ian may have a lot of fantasy points – he doesn’t have a lot of luck. Despite all these years of misfortune, I think this is the week that Ian can finally climb down into his basement, turn on that dingy, dangling light bulb, marvel one last time at his collected jars of tears – all labeled by year, and then set forth pouring them down the floor drain. If he was nice, he’d also let the gimp out of the box for some air – sleeping or not. Anyway, enough of Ian’s crazy leather-sex-mask ways...football, football...so yeah, Derek has a good team, so does Ian, except his running backs don’t punch people in face – over multiple occasions. Considering history, this is a pretty magnificent upset for Miller.
The Downs Burns vs. Banana Grabbers
I think somebody better call some kind of special white-collar crime division for this matchup – because it features two of the biggest fantasy frauds in recent memory. Like a nice pair of fingerless gloves, Matt Ryan might look badass, but in reality he’s kind of useless when you really think about it. This is especially true when you consider how many tools he has at his disposal, yet he still puts up some pretty mediocre numbers. I’d give Freeman a pass, but he’s had a couple of years of light scrutiny while Tampa rebuilds. Now, in what, his third year – he’s not exactly shooting fireworks out of his fingertips. To make it simple, If this was a pro-line game, I’d pass on it because it feels like a trap game. Bryan should probably win, but who knows if Tom Brady will only pass to Welker again. That kind of thing makes Wayne dangerous. I’ll wager that’s a no two weeks and a row and go with Bryan on this less than exciting matchup.
Dirty D vs. The North
Forget what I said about the above matchup. This one makes me glad my computer isn’t scratch-n-sniff. As Ian deftly pointed out, I corrected myself by not picking Dennis last week. Now you think I would’ve learned something – and I did – and that’s this fact – there’s no worse insult than telling a man that his fantasy team is probably going to lose to Dennis’, which is what I’m saying to Larry. I’m sorry Larry. I really am, but I can’t see my way around this one – with a hurt Vick, a time-sharing Cadillac and an occasionally non-existent Branch, it’s hard to see a victory over Dennis – whose players finally get some pretty favorable teams to play. Grossman should be more man than gross this week, and Rodgers will ramrod Denver. Plus even with me down on Blount and Turner, I can’t deny them some nice stats this week. I know tongues will be wagging, but I've gotta go with Dennis this week.
Bare Cupboards vs. PDC
I haven’t favored myself once yet this year, and that’s out of fear that I might ruin a good thing going. This week though, I have to tilt the hat to my side, if only because a significant portion of Ryan’s team plays a pretty solid defense. Mind you, even with the Texans being effectively cancelled out, I’ve got a cautious eye on a resurgent Felix Jones and an ever-deadly McCoy. Still, I have an angry Tom Brady on my hands – who is all too likely to use the abuse side of his pimp slap on the Raiders this weekend. That and I’m super high on my free-agent wide receivers – and I have to be – after literally selling a kidney (a fantasy kidney mind you) to get them. While I don’t think it will be a slaughter-fest, I’ve got a feeling I can pull this one out like a catholic boy at the back of a church mixer – calling my own victory never sounded so sweet.
If Lindsay’s team were a Magic the Gathering Card, it would be one that gets a -1/-1 counter for every week that Peyton Manning doesn’t play. He may be one game above .500, but perilously so. And this week will demonstrate the reason why – because Sanchez and Kolb only look proficient against the limpest of competition. And while I like Forte and Jackson’s matchups – I think Paul has the overall better package this week (seriously, I’m not trying to make Penis metaphors – football just makes everything sound homoerotic – or maybe I just make everything sound homoerotic – I’ll let you decide). I see this as the week Johnson finally stops laying turds on the turf, and even though Steve Smith is a) ancient, b) 3-11 and c) looks like a black Hans Moleman – it’s probably enough for Paul to go dancing to a win.
The Lonesome Kicker vs. The Chefs
I’d call this the tilt of the week, except history has proven that though Ian may have a lot of fantasy points – he doesn’t have a lot of luck. Despite all these years of misfortune, I think this is the week that Ian can finally climb down into his basement, turn on that dingy, dangling light bulb, marvel one last time at his collected jars of tears – all labeled by year, and then set forth pouring them down the floor drain. If he was nice, he’d also let the gimp out of the box for some air – sleeping or not. Anyway, enough of Ian’s crazy leather-sex-mask ways...football, football...so yeah, Derek has a good team, so does Ian, except his running backs don’t punch people in face – over multiple occasions. Considering history, this is a pretty magnificent upset for Miller.
The Downs Burns vs. Banana Grabbers
I think somebody better call some kind of special white-collar crime division for this matchup – because it features two of the biggest fantasy frauds in recent memory. Like a nice pair of fingerless gloves, Matt Ryan might look badass, but in reality he’s kind of useless when you really think about it. This is especially true when you consider how many tools he has at his disposal, yet he still puts up some pretty mediocre numbers. I’d give Freeman a pass, but he’s had a couple of years of light scrutiny while Tampa rebuilds. Now, in what, his third year – he’s not exactly shooting fireworks out of his fingertips. To make it simple, If this was a pro-line game, I’d pass on it because it feels like a trap game. Bryan should probably win, but who knows if Tom Brady will only pass to Welker again. That kind of thing makes Wayne dangerous. I’ll wager that’s a no two weeks and a row and go with Bryan on this less than exciting matchup.
Dirty D vs. The North
Forget what I said about the above matchup. This one makes me glad my computer isn’t scratch-n-sniff. As Ian deftly pointed out, I corrected myself by not picking Dennis last week. Now you think I would’ve learned something – and I did – and that’s this fact – there’s no worse insult than telling a man that his fantasy team is probably going to lose to Dennis’, which is what I’m saying to Larry. I’m sorry Larry. I really am, but I can’t see my way around this one – with a hurt Vick, a time-sharing Cadillac and an occasionally non-existent Branch, it’s hard to see a victory over Dennis – whose players finally get some pretty favorable teams to play. Grossman should be more man than gross this week, and Rodgers will ramrod Denver. Plus even with me down on Blount and Turner, I can’t deny them some nice stats this week. I know tongues will be wagging, but I've gotta go with Dennis this week.
Bare Cupboards vs. PDC
I haven’t favored myself once yet this year, and that’s out of fear that I might ruin a good thing going. This week though, I have to tilt the hat to my side, if only because a significant portion of Ryan’s team plays a pretty solid defense. Mind you, even with the Texans being effectively cancelled out, I’ve got a cautious eye on a resurgent Felix Jones and an ever-deadly McCoy. Still, I have an angry Tom Brady on my hands – who is all too likely to use the abuse side of his pimp slap on the Raiders this weekend. That and I’m super high on my free-agent wide receivers – and I have to be – after literally selling a kidney (a fantasy kidney mind you) to get them. While I don’t think it will be a slaughter-fest, I’ve got a feeling I can pull this one out like a catholic boy at the back of a church mixer – calling my own victory never sounded so sweet.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Fantasy Funzies Week Three Picks
The Chefs vs. Dirty D
Though Derek let me down last week, I’m not ready to pen my hurt-feelings intervention letter just yet – especially since he still put up decent points against the mirage that is Lindsay’s team. Fortunately, Dennis’ team can’t conjure the same kind of magic out of Grossman and Blount, who actually play defenses this week – with real men instead of orange cylinders. Add to that misfortune the fact that Dennis is sporting two men named Donald on his team and we’re talking complete Donald meltdown here – with Nicks playing lucky Hakeem in the middle. This year is shaping up to be a quarterback’s year and Derek roundhouse kicks Dennis because he has two of the best of them.
Reckoner vs. The North
When you are rocking Kyle Orton and Tavaris Jackson, you’ll be lucky to be “north” of 200 points this week – and that’s only if McFadden can maintain the magic against a pretty formidable defense which has proven to be a fantasy black hole so far. In regard to my slagging Orton, and Larry’s hurtful comments about my beloved running back – I offer this witty retort. But, back to the task at hand...Sanchez has the suspect Raiders. Kolb gets the atrocious Seahawks, who are so bad that when I see them on TV I make the same face I make when I walk into a bathroom and experience the humid froth of some stranger’s smelly dump. Just based on those two matchups alone, my money’s on Lindsay this week (by money, I mean absolutely no actual money).
The Lonesome Kicker vs. PDC
One of these teams is a work of beauty – cobbled together from dreams and the meows of small kittens. The other team is a Frankenstein of failed fantasy football decisions driven by a mad, desperate man driven into the depths of the waiver wire. These teams couldn’t be any more different, but in playing, I think we’re going to see the closest score of the week. I fully expect, and depend and make pleas to my dark master with blood oaths, for New England and Buffalo to enter a shoot-out this week. I also expect, and this pretty much sets the tone for the year, that any team playing Peyton-less Indy will have more fun than a lemon party. On the other hand, I also expect Schaub to be shooting with both barrels, and for San Francisco to be consistently terrible. Ian proverbially throws the football in Ryan's face this week..
Bare Cupboards vs. Banana Grabber
I’m rocking a new-look team – with one starter murdered by a mascot and the other jettisoned off to Lindsay’s fantasy funhouse. In case you hadn’t noticed, my week can be pretty much summed up like this: I need New England and Buffalo to score points – lots of them. Bryan, on the other hand, has a pretty solid menagerie of matchups – maybe asides from Romo who might break in half if hit – with Ryan, Jones-Drew and Marshall all facing defenseless defenses. Here’s how I imagine this will play out: I’ll start strong, see Bryan’s defence, start running laterally and just when I think I’m gonna make it and win this week, my knee goes all bendy and I fall weeping into the arms of a furry, giving Bryan a W.
Urban Achiever vs. Downs Burn
Well Wayne lost last week, and the world didn’t end. I checked the news and it seems that some kind of beluga whale-type thing saved us at the 11th hour. So if this whole world-ending is the wrong theory, maybe a better one is that we live in bizarro-world, where Wayne’s team doesn’t look like a limp dick. It fact, Wayne’s team kind of has the air of a raging hard-on, and Cam Newton is the rippling purple veins (let’s see ESPN use that metaphor!). Though Newton is awfully mistake-prone, he runs and throws enough to fulfill a Michael Vick-lite role. And while, I like Paul’s team – I don’t think he’ll reach the climax Wayne will. Paul’s players are looking at some pretty stiff matchups and probably won’t see as many balls. Shoot, after a good pounding, I think this is the week Wayne’s team goes off, firing out a hot win.
Though Derek let me down last week, I’m not ready to pen my hurt-feelings intervention letter just yet – especially since he still put up decent points against the mirage that is Lindsay’s team. Fortunately, Dennis’ team can’t conjure the same kind of magic out of Grossman and Blount, who actually play defenses this week – with real men instead of orange cylinders. Add to that misfortune the fact that Dennis is sporting two men named Donald on his team and we’re talking complete Donald meltdown here – with Nicks playing lucky Hakeem in the middle. This year is shaping up to be a quarterback’s year and Derek roundhouse kicks Dennis because he has two of the best of them.
Reckoner vs. The North
When you are rocking Kyle Orton and Tavaris Jackson, you’ll be lucky to be “north” of 200 points this week – and that’s only if McFadden can maintain the magic against a pretty formidable defense which has proven to be a fantasy black hole so far. In regard to my slagging Orton, and Larry’s hurtful comments about my beloved running back – I offer this witty retort. But, back to the task at hand...Sanchez has the suspect Raiders. Kolb gets the atrocious Seahawks, who are so bad that when I see them on TV I make the same face I make when I walk into a bathroom and experience the humid froth of some stranger’s smelly dump. Just based on those two matchups alone, my money’s on Lindsay this week (by money, I mean absolutely no actual money).
The Lonesome Kicker vs. PDC
One of these teams is a work of beauty – cobbled together from dreams and the meows of small kittens. The other team is a Frankenstein of failed fantasy football decisions driven by a mad, desperate man driven into the depths of the waiver wire. These teams couldn’t be any more different, but in playing, I think we’re going to see the closest score of the week. I fully expect, and depend and make pleas to my dark master with blood oaths, for New England and Buffalo to enter a shoot-out this week. I also expect, and this pretty much sets the tone for the year, that any team playing Peyton-less Indy will have more fun than a lemon party. On the other hand, I also expect Schaub to be shooting with both barrels, and for San Francisco to be consistently terrible. Ian proverbially throws the football in Ryan's face this week..
Bare Cupboards vs. Banana Grabber
I’m rocking a new-look team – with one starter murdered by a mascot and the other jettisoned off to Lindsay’s fantasy funhouse. In case you hadn’t noticed, my week can be pretty much summed up like this: I need New England and Buffalo to score points – lots of them. Bryan, on the other hand, has a pretty solid menagerie of matchups – maybe asides from Romo who might break in half if hit – with Ryan, Jones-Drew and Marshall all facing defenseless defenses. Here’s how I imagine this will play out: I’ll start strong, see Bryan’s defence, start running laterally and just when I think I’m gonna make it and win this week, my knee goes all bendy and I fall weeping into the arms of a furry, giving Bryan a W.
Urban Achiever vs. Downs Burn
Well Wayne lost last week, and the world didn’t end. I checked the news and it seems that some kind of beluga whale-type thing saved us at the 11th hour. So if this whole world-ending is the wrong theory, maybe a better one is that we live in bizarro-world, where Wayne’s team doesn’t look like a limp dick. It fact, Wayne’s team kind of has the air of a raging hard-on, and Cam Newton is the rippling purple veins (let’s see ESPN use that metaphor!). Though Newton is awfully mistake-prone, he runs and throws enough to fulfill a Michael Vick-lite role. And while, I like Paul’s team – I don’t think he’ll reach the climax Wayne will. Paul’s players are looking at some pretty stiff matchups and probably won’t see as many balls. Shoot, after a good pounding, I think this is the week Wayne’s team goes off, firing out a hot win.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Fantasy Funzies Week Two Picks
Lonesome Kicker vs. Bare Cupboards
Like a beautiful falling star or two rabbits face-fucking, Tom Brady is pretty much assured to have one of those games where he supernovas into some kind of fantasy football orgasm - too bad for me though he did it in week one - and now, like a spent teenager all huffed-out after two minutes of backseat sex, the rest of season will be some kind of uncomfortable sleep. Then again, Ian's not exactly rocking all sure-things: Buffalo looked good in week one, but they always look good in week one - let's see how that plays out the rest of the year. And Tim Hightower looked okay, but I'm betting he runs as fast as Police Academy Hightower this week against his old team. It'll be close, but I say Ian squeaks by because the NFL prognosticators have Vernon Davis getting 28 points against Dallas - ha ha ha - we'll see how that works out.
The Chefs vs. Reckoner
One week you're losing arm wrestling competitions to the special education kids in the basement of the high school, the next week, you're the greatest thing since cars made out of meat. I don't think it's a stretch to say I take umbrage with the NFL points system - because Kevin Kolb couldn't score 42 points one of those rickety football machines you find at the back of the arcade. Also, maybe it's a trend, but tight ends apparently are no longer men, but some kind of Galactus-like world eaters in our fantasy league - 47 points for Antonio Gates against New England? If I was Lindsay (and I'm not), I would almost make a bet to eat my underwear if Gates gets that many points this week. As for Derek, I don't need to say anything because he'll win.
Banana Grabbers vs. Urban Achiever
I don't like Matt Ryan. I don't know why exactly - maybe it's his stupid face. Bryan does though - and that's too bad because that stupid face is going to make a whole bunch of stupid face looks when it throws pretty stupid interceptions this week. Though he's favoured, I don't like a lot of Bryan's matchups - most of those games have the faint nose-burning aroma of low-scoring games (if you're wondering, the aroma is a lot like clove cigarettes and unwashed hipsters - real hipsters Lindsay - not people who listen to music made after 1998). As for Paul, I see good things for Peyton Hillis against a bad Colts defense, and to make up for being down on Chris Johnson last week, I'll say that he gets more than 16 points this week. Add to that a probable bounce-back from Eli and I'm calling this a Paul upset.
Dirty D vs. PDC
So I complain to Ryan that he has too many Texans - the logical thing of course is that he picks up another Texan on the waiver wire. Why not? We all know you're doing it - don't wuss out Ryan by going half-way. Next year, I say draft all Texans. At least you'll get four wins that way - Sorry Wayne and Dennis. This one comes down to, sigh, which Texan running back plays. If Foster is healthy, then Dennis will handle Ryan like a 100-pound catholic schoolgirl with pigtails. If it's Ben Tate playing the role of Ben Dover, then Ryan has a shot because the rest of Dennis' team pretty much plays ugly wingman to Aaron Rodgers. Looking into my crystal ball, I'm gonna say Foster plays enough to compensate for Grossman remembering who he really is in week two - Dennis limps by Ryan.
The North vs. The Downs Burns
I like Wayne's team this week, but if I go with him and he wins two weeks in a row, then it surely means the apocalypse is upon us. Believing the crazy guy that hands me comic pamphlets downtown is right is not something I'm open to right now. Then again, even Wayne's mediocre players have pretty bad defenses and who knows how healthy McFadden will be (see what did I say about having Raiders on your team?). I guess I should just accept it - I mean living in perpetual war and having to deny the mark of the beast for seven years, only to eventually die as the world blows up can't be that bad - at least not as bad as having Kyle Orton on your fantasy football team. World ends, Wayne wins.
Like a beautiful falling star or two rabbits face-fucking, Tom Brady is pretty much assured to have one of those games where he supernovas into some kind of fantasy football orgasm - too bad for me though he did it in week one - and now, like a spent teenager all huffed-out after two minutes of backseat sex, the rest of season will be some kind of uncomfortable sleep. Then again, Ian's not exactly rocking all sure-things: Buffalo looked good in week one, but they always look good in week one - let's see how that plays out the rest of the year. And Tim Hightower looked okay, but I'm betting he runs as fast as Police Academy Hightower this week against his old team. It'll be close, but I say Ian squeaks by because the NFL prognosticators have Vernon Davis getting 28 points against Dallas - ha ha ha - we'll see how that works out.
The Chefs vs. Reckoner
One week you're losing arm wrestling competitions to the special education kids in the basement of the high school, the next week, you're the greatest thing since cars made out of meat. I don't think it's a stretch to say I take umbrage with the NFL points system - because Kevin Kolb couldn't score 42 points one of those rickety football machines you find at the back of the arcade. Also, maybe it's a trend, but tight ends apparently are no longer men, but some kind of Galactus-like world eaters in our fantasy league - 47 points for Antonio Gates against New England? If I was Lindsay (and I'm not), I would almost make a bet to eat my underwear if Gates gets that many points this week. As for Derek, I don't need to say anything because he'll win.
Banana Grabbers vs. Urban Achiever
I don't like Matt Ryan. I don't know why exactly - maybe it's his stupid face. Bryan does though - and that's too bad because that stupid face is going to make a whole bunch of stupid face looks when it throws pretty stupid interceptions this week. Though he's favoured, I don't like a lot of Bryan's matchups - most of those games have the faint nose-burning aroma of low-scoring games (if you're wondering, the aroma is a lot like clove cigarettes and unwashed hipsters - real hipsters Lindsay - not people who listen to music made after 1998). As for Paul, I see good things for Peyton Hillis against a bad Colts defense, and to make up for being down on Chris Johnson last week, I'll say that he gets more than 16 points this week. Add to that a probable bounce-back from Eli and I'm calling this a Paul upset.
Dirty D vs. PDC
So I complain to Ryan that he has too many Texans - the logical thing of course is that he picks up another Texan on the waiver wire. Why not? We all know you're doing it - don't wuss out Ryan by going half-way. Next year, I say draft all Texans. At least you'll get four wins that way - Sorry Wayne and Dennis. This one comes down to, sigh, which Texan running back plays. If Foster is healthy, then Dennis will handle Ryan like a 100-pound catholic schoolgirl with pigtails. If it's Ben Tate playing the role of Ben Dover, then Ryan has a shot because the rest of Dennis' team pretty much plays ugly wingman to Aaron Rodgers. Looking into my crystal ball, I'm gonna say Foster plays enough to compensate for Grossman remembering who he really is in week two - Dennis limps by Ryan.
The North vs. The Downs Burns
I like Wayne's team this week, but if I go with him and he wins two weeks in a row, then it surely means the apocalypse is upon us. Believing the crazy guy that hands me comic pamphlets downtown is right is not something I'm open to right now. Then again, even Wayne's mediocre players have pretty bad defenses and who knows how healthy McFadden will be (see what did I say about having Raiders on your team?). I guess I should just accept it - I mean living in perpetual war and having to deny the mark of the beast for seven years, only to eventually die as the world blows up can't be that bad - at least not as bad as having Kyle Orton on your fantasy football team. World ends, Wayne wins.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Fantasy Funzies Week One Picks
Like the ancient senior citizen that’s struggling to stand on the C-train as you sit comfortably in your seat avoiding eye contact, the fantasy football season is here!
And whether you want it to be or not, our long-running fantasy football league, like that poor old man who probably fought in some kind of significant war, and who makes you turn up your ipod and push his coop bag away slightly with your foot – it’s a long year of delightfully painful, awkward moments full of luck, injustice, and most of all, mental and moral lapses.
I’m going to celebrate our new season with this edu-tainment-ary blog – which took ten whole minutes to build and no brainpower whatsoever.
Instead of meaningless power rankings, I’m going with meaningless match-ups this year!
Lonesome Kicker vs. Urban Achiever
If there’s one thing awesome about using a new site, it’s relishing in the credulity of its newfound points projections. More specifically, I’m not sure what dollar store glue the analysts on NFL were huffing, but Eli Manning putting up decent points (even against Washington) seems about as likely as Dez Bryant actually catching footballs instead of listening to the delightful pop they make when they bounce off his chest. Paul’s got a bit of a points lead based on these projections, but I’m thinking it will be a closer game – Chris Johnson’s extended Dunkin Donuts holiday makes me think he’s very likely to put up south of 50 points and I just don’t see either Rivers or Manning combining for over 80 points – so then what does it come down to – with me, as always, how terrible the Raiders are. If they are as bad as I think they are, then Moreno will put up better numbers, but if he lands somewhere close to NFL’s guesstimation, then we’re looking at a Paul victory.
Prohibition Demolition Commission vs. The Chefs
Ryan’s ill-found love for the Texans is really his downfall here – at some point, you’ve just got to let go man. Schaub is starting to look more like the Schwab year-to-year and it feels like Andre Johnson has been playing football since time immemorial – at some point, he’s going to really break down and you won’t be able to play piggy-back with him any longer. As for the rest of your crew – some advice – when I look in the mirror and wish for a time when I was younger or had more hair – this is like you drafting DeAngelo Williams – those good days are gone – it’s time to let the healing begin. As for Derek, I want to make fun, but I can’t because his team is kind of ridiculous this year – all my fantasy football senses say Derek cruises to a win this week – but who knows – the fantasy football gods have spited me before.
The Down’s Burn vs. Reckoner
I just want to put this out there – making light of people with down’s syndrome is not funny...unless it’s done when making fun of people in fantasy football – then it’s hilarious. It’s even funnier if you are making fun of someone with down syndrome who also is in your fantasy football league – like Wayne. That’s truly epic. Only one thing is funnier than that – drafting a worse team while being present at the draft than someone with down’s syndrome and then being projected to lose to the guy with down’s syndrome in week one – like Lindsay. What’s the old saying? What’s better than winning the Special Olympics? Not being retarded. Here’s my week one twist: What’s worse than being in the Special Olympics? Coming in second – Wayne squeaks one out
The North vs. Banana Grabbers
When it comes to Larry’s team, I think the NFL analysts are going the glass half-full route because I’m not as hopeful. Call me cynical, but I don’t see these players delivering the goods in 2011. Number one: Tony Gonzalez is like, no joke, fifty-eight. That makes him like eight-hundred in tight-end years. Remember the guy with the grail at the end of that last Indiana Jones movie that didn’t have sucky aliens in it – he looks better than Tony Gonzalez at this point. Also, relying on Braylon Edwards for anything other than petty assault and shoplifting seems like a gamble. And having a Raider on your team in 2011 is one Raider too many. They’re my team and I wouldn’t touch them with gloves on. That’s not to say that I think Bryan’s team is good – Jones-Drew is going to be seeing a lot of one kind of defence; one where eight dudes are stacked up to stop him from running – and Marshal and Ochocinco don’t exactly put the erect in my erection, but I think it’s enough this week – Bryan drinks the (hopefully not wrong one that turns him into a screaming skeleton) victory cup
Dirty D vs. Bare Cupboards
Only one team is projected worse than Lindsay’s this year – which of course means it must be Dennis’ team. But, I’m not buying the line on this match-up because Dennis has Aaron Rodgers, who could possibly steal him a win on his own. Really, this one comes down to Brady vs. Rodgers – and then incredibly mediocre wide-outs also do battle – Massaquoi vs. Thomas – lookout! I don’t like Blount this year because Tampa Bay running backs seem to only have a shelf life of one year (that's cocaine for you!) – but then again, Green-Ellis thrills me as much as people with hyphenated names possibly can. NFL says I should be favoured, but I can’t shake the feeling this is as much as a lie as the homeless guy who told me yesterday he needed money because he was from Brazil (a brilliant strategy that – lies that make no sense at all] – and like that homeless man and my hard unearned City dollars, I think I might be giving Dennis the win.
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