Fanciful Fantasy Fortunes Playoffs Week One

The Snoodler vs. Breesus Christ Superstars
Well last week, I figured Bryan had my number, but I was wrong. This week I figure again Bryan will have my number and I don't think I'll be wrong a second time. Unlike last week, Bryan's players get a smorgasbord of Oakland, Jacksonville, Detroit and the Giants. With opposition like that Bryan's should have a pretty strong showing. I get some crummy teams too - but just not as many of them - and with Gronk out, Brady's numbers will probably return back to earth. Bryan moves on.

The Lonesome Kicker vs. The North
If this was poker, I'd say Thursday night already tipped this hand. Considering Peyton had a good, but not great showing, I'd say Larry already has an uphill climb this weekend. Though Ian also sports some under-performing Denver players, I think both Foles and Luck are likely to garner a solid chunk of points. I'm no fan of Mendenhall, but he's no worse than an injured and inconsistent Tate. I like Wilson, but suspect the Seahawks will run a lot which really will only benefit Ian's defense. In the end, it will be close because neither team's going to put up it's normal production, but Peyton's only average performance will let Ian slip into the playoffs.

Ngata Chance vs. Gone in 30 Minutes
It took a while, but Linsday's team finally came around this year - unfortunately it's a couple weeks too late - and means he's competing in the wrong bracket. Ryan remained on the fringes, but just couldn't close the deal, so now he's get a shot at the number one pick too. But hey no regerts right? Two decent teams with some good matchups - Lacy should shoulder charge his way through a weak Dallas and Lynch will feast on the Giants. The receivers are about equal too - with maybe the exception that Cameron will likely roll with more points than Fleener. I'll give Romo the benefit of the doubt against a shaky Green Bay and say Ryan squeezes out a win.

The Downs Burns vs. Dirty D
In what could only be described as a spectacular meltdown, Wayne's team went from constant competitor to starving orphan sadly eying the wares from outside the candy store's windowpane. Well, can we expect the same result this week? I suspect the answer is yes since Dennis' team has been on a tear through these last few weeks. Plus, there's nothing to suggest (McCoy being the exception) that Wayne's painful-to-watch nose dive won't continue. Campbell is average at best and Nicks won't even see the ball against the Seahawks. Besides, Jeffrey and Gordon are just as likely to put up another 150 points this week. Toss in a suddenly hot Dalton and Tannehill and we've got a case of two teams in motion, both up and down, remaining in motion. Dennis takes it.

Fanciful Fantasy Fun Fortunes Week Thirteen

Chewbacca DST vs. Lonesome Kicker
Picture that you're in a physics class, and your young and charismatic teacher is speaking about how things in motion tend to stay in motion. A naive student puts up a tentative hand and asks how that could be. Ah, he says, strolling over to his blackboard. Let me know you, he says. He thing swivels the blackboard vertically, revealing his example. Why it's Ian and Paul's teams - two groups that prove once you move in a direction, you stay moving in it. Man, that was a really lame and extended metaphor for saying that Ian's likely to win, no matter what favourable matchups Paul carries into the weekend.

Ngata Chance vs. The Chefs
The fantasy siren is a cruel mistress - sometimes she rewards you with many winning years, the respect of your peers, and better yet, their hard-earned money. Sometimes she beckons you to shore only to dash your fantasy group on the rocks. In tenth place, Derek has essentially nothing to play for - but that won't stop him from being an easy out. The mighty Flynn gets a pretty lousy Atlanta team, and while Philadelphia can score - they also can be scored against. That said, Lindsay already got more production out of Jones-Drew than can normally be expected and Rivers should have a field day with the Giants. It'll be the small things the Ravens getting Minny that make the difference here - Lindsay eats Derek's lunch on a close one.

The Snoodler vs. Breesus Christ Superstars
Look Ray Rice, we haven't exactly had the best relationship this year. It started with you spurning me with lackadaisical play - and I responded, unfairly or not, by letting you ride the pine in favor of younger, potentially more talented running backs. But, that's water under the bridge now. I need your help this week to (improbably) have a shot at the playoffs. Look, you are playing Minnesota - they are terrible against the run. Your team desperately needs your talent to win the game. I promise to stop cursing you, your family, your height, all of the things you ever loved - if, in return, you can maybe not completely suck this week. If Ray listens, I win. More likely though , Bryan wins.

The North vs. Dirty D
Despite being out of it, Dennis' team is putting together a tidy little streak to close out the year. The question is, will he continue streaking and play spoiler to Larry's fading fantasy chances? Well, it helps that Ben Tate was ineffective on Thursday and that Wilson will face an angry 49ers at home this weekend. Add in the fact that Dalton plays a struggling Colts and Tannehill finally remembered not to suck as of the last couple weeks. Actually, a lot of Dennis' players are running red hot, including both Jeffery and Gordon, who basically beat Wayne last week by themselves. Peyton always makes for a dangerous play, but against the Titans, it's likely they get an early lead and run the ball. It makes for good football sense, but not so much for fantasy fortunes - in this case, Larry's treasure comes up empty. Dennis spoils.

The Downs Burns vs. Gone in 30 Minutes
I haven't done the calculations, but I'm relatively certain that this game is a make or break for either Ryan or Wayne's team. Despite stumbling in these last weeks, I'm pretty sure a win secures Wayne a spot at the playoff table. However, a loss could put him on par with Ryan and Larry and me - and I'm not positive what the win-loss scenario looks like in that picture - but there's a chance Wayne could be looking from the outside. Obviously, Ryan needs this game and some significant help. But who actually takes it? Well Andre Johnson was good for Ryan, while the Texans defense (against Jacksonville no less) was not. If I see a chink in the armor, it's RG3 playing Kansas City. If he gets the KC of the first part of the season, then it's trouble - if he gets the KC of the last couple weeks, than he's got a strong chance. I'm guessing Andy Reid will deliver the former this weekend to ensure the team makes the playoffs, which effectively spells doom for Ryan's fantasy chances.

Fanciful Fantasy Fun Fortunes Week Twelve 2013

The Snoodler vs. The North
Not only did Ray Rice pretty much ruin my fantasy season, but afterwards he flew up to Calgary and had sex with my mother while pouring sugar in my gas tank. If I have any hope left it's because I suspect our fantasy season is longer than last year (weren't playoffs in week 13 and 14?) and everybody else is shitting the collective bed. This is another critical win for either Larry or me and arguably it's going to be close. Sure Denver puts up a lot of points, but they also surrender a lot and the Patriots get the home advantage. With Rice relegated to my bench forever, here's hoping either Stacy or Jennings make something of themselves. I'm feeling oddly optimistic, despite my team's general unpredictability - I fail upwards to a win this week.

Dirty D vs. The Chefs
Now that we run our failure fantasy playoffs concurrently with the winning one, this game also imports some actual meaning for either player. Could one of these teams climb out of the basement and secure that coveted number eight spot, thus giving themselves the illusion that next year also won't be a total wash. Keenum and Tolzein cancel each other out as they both play horribly inept teams. Stafford definitely gets the better hand in a renewed, but shaky Tampa Bay. That said, Dennis is carrying way more potential in Bush and Brown. Then again, Johnson seems a much surer shot of decent points than the pathetic twelve Colston put up. They tied last time they played, and in a perfect universe, they'll tie again.

Breesus Christ Superstars vs. the Downs Burns
Wayne's win last week gave him some breathing space, but he's not out of the woods yet. Facing the number one team (despite losing last week), he already has a hill to climb in that Brees put up good numbers on Thursday - numbers I suspect Jason Campbell won't come close to matching. Factor in that Shady McCoy is out and he'll have to rely on Stewart not getting all his carries robbed by a greedy Cam Newton. Wayne's team might normally be a Lambo, but McCoy is the engine. On the other side of the aisle, Bryan has Charles playing a continually suspect San Diego and a renewed Donald Brown proving his high pick wasn't a throwaway. Bryan doesn't even need the win since his team is probably going to safely make the playoffs anyway, but he I think he'll take it anyway.

Gone in 30 Minutes vs. The Lonesome Kicker
Like Bryan, I'd be surprised if Ian's team faced so strong a meltdown that he fell out of the playoffs. But if he was going to start falling apart, this week would be the time to do it. Considering nearly all of his team decided to take a one week vacation, Ian's team is nearly unrecognizable this week. He'll have to hope beyond hope that the Raiders muster some kind of defensive threat or that Rainey isn't just a case of lightning striking once. Ryan isn't carrying the same kind of problems this week and has mostly dependable members like Romo or Lacy or Johnson facing pretty porous defenses. That cushion Ian's perched on gets a little more uncomfortable as Ryan climbs the fantasy ladder.

Ngata Chance vs. Chewbacca DST
Fantasy purgatory is a funny place to be - not enough wins to climb back into the playoff hunt, but not enough losses to really feel threatened about falling into the fantasy basement either. Thomas Pynchon would be proud - so much entropy in two team's predicaments. Well somebody has to win and seeing how Fitpatrick gets lousy Oakland and Rotlisberger will get beaten up by a pretty scary Cleveland - that tips the QB scale to Lindsay. Paul obviously takes the RBs, which leaves a pretty equal set of WRs - for every Amendola there's a Tavon Austin. So who takes this one then? What secret ingredient reveals to us this week our winner? I'm going to say that the secret sauce for Paul's win is that the Lions have a better game defensively than Lindsay's precious Ravens will in facing Paul's favorite team. It's like Macbeth, but with football players, or something.

Fanciful Fantasy Fun Fortunes Week Eleven 2013

The Snoodler vs. The Lonesome Kicker
I think Ian owes the entire league a huge apology.........for trading for Joe Flacco...that guy sucks, and by trading for him you've both legitimized Lindsay's fanboyism and elevated his non-worth in our league. As for the rest of your quarterbacks, even a quiet night for Luck is better than most good nights for Brady lately. I really want to say that I have a chance, but Brady against a formidable Carolina defense spells trouble, never mind the rest of my team which is madly average. I need this win badly, but I suspect the win that need will actually be the loss I deserve.

The Chefs vs. Breesus Christ Superstars
You know a team has given up when they're starting J.R.R. Tolkien at quarterback. If there's a bright spot in Derek's disastrous season it's that he has a million draft picks for next year. Hopefully, with a reinvigorated Muscle Hamster and those many picks we'll see a rejuvenated Chefs next year. As for this one, particularly this week,. it's a no contest; Bryan strolls all over Derek's depleted corps/corpse.

The North vs. Ngata Chance
For those of us fighting desperately for a playoff spot there's nothing worse than seeing your opponent play someone else's porcelain doll collection. That said, oddly Lindsay's firesale crew still seem kind of dangerous, given that Fitzpatrick had an okay day and Fleener put up decent points. Seeing as Larry's pet pony Peyton gets his toughest test this week, plus the need to start Woodhead, I think we've got a reasonably close battle this week. It'll depend on Lynch eating the Vikings lunch and Fitzgerald showing up against Jacksonville, but I think they can do it. Somehow Lindsay's team improves this week - call it addition by subtraction.

Gone in 30 Minutes vs. Dirty D
The fact that Dennis made a trade this late in the game shows two things, he either has the fantasy that his fantasy football team has a chance this year (fantaception), or he's already prepping for next year by collecting talented football players (that he'll inevitably have to trade or drop). I'm guessing it's the former, but still it was kind of an inexplicable move. The big question is will it pay off this week? The short answer is no. With Palmer back against an atrocious defense and Ellington running all over JAX, there's no hope for the likes of Dalton against a sturdy Cleveland or a newly returned Brown against Green Bay. It's competitively close, but Ryan wins.

The Downs Burns vs. Chewbacca DST
 Though Paul is down, I'd say he's not completely out. This game is a make or break for both participants. Wayne needs to keep winning to hang onto that last spot, while Paul and the rest of us need him to lose to have a chance to slip into the playoffs - midnight stealth style. Largely, this depends on which Kaepernick Paul gets - the rest of his team is alright this week - it's just whether the tattooed wonder will actually show up this week. If he does, even just a bit, it should be enough to render Wayne's usually formidable squad that's beset by bye weeks into a delicious brisket. My guess it that he does, and thus Paul dines on Wayne like I'd dine on mac and cheese at the Palomino.

Fanciful Fantasy Fun Fortunes Week Ten 2013

The Lonesome Kicker vs. Ngata Chance
In a year where consistent running back production has been scarce, Ian has the fortune of having one of the most reliable products on the field. Having watched the Thursday game, I can't help but be impressed that Peterson manages to get points almost despite his team being bathed in futility. That running back head start is going to help because I think it's the sole difference-maker this week: all being said, the rest of the matchups are fairy even with two unproven QBs, solid receivers and alright running backs. Ian farts out a win this week.

The Chefs vs. Gone in 30 Minutes
I imagine at some point today Ryan will be staring at his computer, veins popping out of his neck, licking his dry chapped lips like some kind of junkie or mayor, and whispering to Derek, or nobody, or Jesus, or God depending on which testament you want to invest in - and saying come on man, I need this. Not even the great Hare Krishna could revive Derek's team, so Ryan needs to hope that Stafford or Dalton have ordinary weeks again. If they do - which I'm betting they will - Ryan will poop out a win this week.

Chewbacca DST vs. Breesus Christ Superstars
Here's the real test. Paul's buzzed through a few pretenders in the past couples weeks to turn his moribund team into something relevant. Now, he gets Bryan, our shining golden fantasy pool boy - all dazzling blonde hair and thigh-displaying 70's athletic shorts. Well, only one of you has a legitimate quarterback in Brees; however, Fred Jackson and Donald Brown are effectively time share running backs who simply can't match either Morris or Johnson's playing time. Receivers are a wash, so this is a straight-up head to head - I'm going to say Paul takes it on momentum alone.

The Snoodler vs. Dirty D
It's a good thing I stashed EJ Manuel basically all year so that I could finally play him this week. Nevermind how many other guys I probably gave up - now I can finally justify to myself why I drafted him and kept him when he had absolutely no value. Well this is it. Whoever wins this game keeps their thread of a chance; the loser gets to take their ball and go home. Ryan has a tough matchup, but he's somewhat proven over Keenum who gets a slightly easier defense.Both Manuel and Spiller get the worst defense in the NFL. Here's hoping Dennis doesn't pick up a wide receiver and the difference is whatever that extra guy would've scored. I win and get to keep partying.

 The Downs Burn vs. The North
This is like the opposite game of the previous matchup - two teams that need a win - but not to slip into the playoffs, but to not fall out of them. Despite having the Manning and Wilson tandem, that's three losses Larry's accumulated. My guess is that he's got a better chance of turning it around this week because Wayne has to start Jake Foot Locker, and even Newton will struggle against San Francisco at home. The rest of the matchups are close with a slight nod to wayne in receivers - though Steven Stills really rounds out those multi-part harmonies. On the slight strength at quarterback, I saw Larry recovers from his nosedive.

Fanciful Fantasy Fun Fortunes Week Nine 2013

The Snoodler vs. The Chefs
How the false mighty have fallen - let me tell you grandchildren, there was a time when the leaves were still green when a mighty team called the Snoodlers roamed the earth at 2-0, but then winter came and the hearts of good men froze, and with it, the Snoodlers disappeared into the woods of mediocre seasons, never to be seen again. The Chefs are the champion to choose this week.

Gone in 30 Mintues vs. Chewbacca DST
With the resurgence of Paul's team, suddenly these matchups of middling records make all the difference. Anything past five losses puts any team at a serious disadvantage of making the top five so a win this week for either is crucial. Ryan has a clear QB advantage, but Paul's RBs are better and the WRs are roughly equal with the exception that Mike Wallace actually did something and Amendola can't tie his shoelaces without hurting himself - and that's sadly the difference-maker here - Ryan squeezes by this week.

The Lonesome Kicker vs. Dirty D
Bye weeks have been a real bitch for Ian - they've turned a normally sturdy fantasy team inside out - and this week continues the trend. With the likes of Moreno, Decker and Cruz tunnelling their noses through mountains of cocaine this weekend, Miller has to ride Tolbert and Heward-Bey - poster children of barely there football. Dennis also has to replace some players, but the decline is clearly not as steep as Thomas and Jones are dependable replacements, if only for a week. Miller's team continues to take a fantasy beating.

Ngata Chance vs. Downs Burns
This up and down season is the most entertaining of roller coasters, and while some winners are now suffering, some people who struggled out of the gate are now seeing success. Take Wayne for instance - with Newton's annual slow start over, his team is truly looking good - even Manning's general shittiness is not as bad now. That said, Lindsay isn't hit quite as hard with bye weeks and only loses Jones Drew and Fitzgerald, not exactly players to weep about. Other than the wildcard with Geno Smith, the rest of team is reasonably solid, especially when playing a guy with only one running back. It's a close one because Wayne's ceiling is higher, but he's hurt by the lack of running backs - Lindsay wins.

Breesus Christ Superstars vs The North
Now the younger Miller takes on unsteady Larry in another important who's moving up and who's moving down matchup. Without Manning, Larry team is clearly not the same - and if it was any other opponent, he'd probably have a chance since the rest of his team isn't bad. That said, the rest of Bryan's team other than decent QBs is pretty good, if not great of late. While it's no walk in the park, I think Bryan's team goes all Mighty Morphin on Larry this week.

Fanciful Fantasy Fun Fortunes Week Eight 2013

The North vs. The Chefs
Both Peyton Manning and Larry suffered a loss last week, which comes at no surprise since Larry's fortunes are inextricably linked to Manning's. Just in time for Halloween, the shambling corpse of Derek's team was re-animated. Given that Manning and Wilson are playing horrendous teams this week, it's likely that Larry is going make short work of zombie Derek. Still, it'll be close because Green-Ellis and McGahee scare nobody, and Dalton and Stafford are a potent pair. A photo finish here, but unshockingly Larry wins.

Breesus Christ Superstars vs. The Lonesome Kicker
The brothers Miller face off in a spectacular for the ages - both are sporting the same record and momentum - however, both are also sporting some spotty lineups because of bye weeks. I guess this is a case of who's backups are better - is it Bull Durham from Detroit or ugh Ponder in Minny. Ian has the better support cast in Peterson, Moreno and (tear) Decker, but Bryan clearly has the advantage at quarterback. I'll guess I'll say that Miller wins.

Ngata Chance vs Gone in 30 Minutes
Our league's general ineptitude is on display in this matchup - both Ryan and Lindsay are carrying a slightly sub .500 into this week. But all is not lost since that seems to be a pretty common record in our league right now. So who climbs back into the race and who slides slowly into oblivion? Well despite LeFell failing, Ryan's acquisition of Welker gives his wide receiver corps some needed spice. Meanwhile, we get another week of Fitzgerald under-achieving and watch Vick run for his life against a suddenly motivated giant who are barely out of their division's race. Even Lynch can't clinch it for Lindsay this week - Ryan runs away with it.

Chewbacca DST vs. Dirty D
With some wins under his belt, perhaps Paul has gotten a taste of the victorious lifestyle. Whether it continues kind of rests on Kaepernick's shoulders - and this week - he plays probably the worst team in the NFL and CFL - basically Jacksonville can't win in any FLs. And while Dennis has Rodgers, he's only been quietly dominate this year as Green Bay tries to balance out their offense with some running for a change. Plus my second favorite Lamar is probably a better second RB than Lucky Pierre plucked straight off our free agent tire fire. Paul's team in in-sync, they win.

The Snoodler vs. The Downs Burns
No matter how many free agents I try to pick up, it won't fundamentally improve my team's core issues. It's like this - you can have a Pam Anderson body, but if the head looks like Garfield, then it doesn't matter - well, unless you are this guy. The hope here is that my Sproules trade pays dividends this week (it sure didn't help last week - Deckeeerrrrr). Will it matter though? Wayne already put up 50 with Newton and Manning/McCoy both get less than stellar defenses. I can only hope my team puts up a decent fight on it's way to getting boom piledriven by Wayne's team.

Fanciful Fantasy Fun Fortunes Week Seven 2013

The Snoodler vs. Chewbacca DST
Another week, another session of Sunday carpal tunnel syndrome from all the hand-wringing I'll be doing while watching Ray Rice continue his march of futility. Is that any worse than watching Colin Craepernick continue to prove that despite his rugged demeanor and well-organized tattoos that he's still a rookie - or worse - possibly a one-year wonder? On the razor-thin advantage I have at quarterback, I run away slowly from this one.

Dirty D vs Ngata Chance
Even with a 30-point lead, I'm not confident this is Ngata Chance's week. See, five points out of Larry Fitzgerald is abysmal and I'm sure Jeff Gordon will race away with more points than that for Dennis. Factor in the inexplicable decision to start Josh Freeman, whose shittiness is so legendary even he'll make the stone golums that are the giants defense look like the goddamn 85 bears. Then, add a dash of Dennis' team generally being not shitty* (*Spiller kind of being the exception) and we have a situation where Lindsay should just turtle and take the beating. Dirty D wins.

Gone in 30 Minutes vs. Breesus Christ Superstar
Ryan's Sunday lineup is scarier than watching a midget do the worm and then bite a guy's ass (this was our Friday night - true story). Ellington already sucked, Richardson will too, Griffin just doesn't look right this year and Johnson is a dice-roll with Houston's penchant for throwing pick-six's. That said, Smith and Weeden scare nobody, so we're not talking any kind of blowout. This is more like watching a white guy win a fight on a world star hip hop video - it's a rare victory, but you still kind of feel bad for witnessing it. Bryan wins uncomfortably.

The North vs. The Lonesome Kicker
Here's the titan match up of the week - between Larry's fountain of youth and Ian's ragtag youngsters. Even with the addition of the ever-inconsistent Decker, I suspect that Larry is carrying the slight advantage in his wide receivers. Where this one might make a difference is in the relatively unproven Foles going against a Dallas defense that can't decide if it sucks or not. Had Larry started Wilson, this might already be a cakewalk, because I still don't trust Cutler, even against a shaky Washington. Since I haven't gone wrong picking old man North so far, I give Larry the victory, but it's super close.

The Chefs vs. The Downs Burns
 The fact that Derek is effectively finished for the year is kind-of mind blowing. Especially considering his lineup really isn't terrible - I suspect that his team goes as Megatron goes. Well this week he's alive and perhaps Doug Martin might also shake some of that sophomore slump. At the very least, neither of those players can be any worse than watching the weaker manning fail his way to a career-worst year (in a long history of some pretty bad years) or see whether Randle has the moxy to steal the starting spot from the annoyingly inconsistent Murray. Another close one, but I'm saying that this is the week you don't pick The Chefs in your secret personal suicide pool.

Fanciful Fantasy Fun Fortunes Week Five 2013

Breesus Christ Superstars vs. Ngata Chance
Even with Drew Brees' (Breezes?) god-like powers, even he'll be tired of carrying the likes of Alex Smith or Darryl Richardson this week. On the other hand, Phillip Rivers found the lazarus pit of throwing skill and has nearly reminded us that long ago he didn't suck - I figure against the Raiders he'll keep reminding us. Factor in my favorite italian running back Giovani and I think we're seeing the ascendance of Ngata Chance.

The North vs. Chewbacca DST
Much like the ending of the last Star Wars movie, the wookies are getting ramroded this year. I can't imagine that's going to stop until Peyton Manning is wounded on the field and his opponent finishes him. Give credit where it's due - Larry's running backs and wide receivers have also played a pretty crucial role in him racking up 350 point weeks. Another nightmare game for the Chewbacca.

The Lonesome Kicker vs. Dirty D
Okay, I think I've called Ian's defeat a couple times and he's wiggled out of it. But, like Bullwinkle, I know this week for sure. It has to happen right? He can't possibly win with an oatmeal brain Pryror or that great singer Bilal. And Dennis can't possibly lose with Rodgers at home and a 27-point lead thanks to Gordon. It'll be close because Tannehill and Mendanhall have more L's in their names than actual talent, but Dennis still secures the upset.

Gone in 30 Minutes vs. The Downs Burns
Funny how a talented fantasy team can suddenly seem ordinary depending on its matchup. The pairing of Ryan and Wayne is the perfect example - relatively speaking, these teams are about even in terms of possible production - for every Romo we have Newton, for every Richardson we have McCoy. However, this week Ryan's team faces Carolina, Seattle and San Fran while Wayne gets Philadelphia, Oakland and the Giants. My hypothesis is that Wayne wins.

The Snoodler vs. The Chefs
Clearly there is something wrong with the world when Derek has yet to win. Perhaps I can do dude a solid and hand him one? This is likely the most even game this week, with maybe a slight advantage to me in wide receivers and that's only because of Graham. If he doesn't get going again this week then my slim hopes go up like roof pizza. I called a win for me last week in a close one and paid the price, so this week I'm playing meta-reverse psychology. Derek wins (or does he?)

Fanciful Fantasy Fun Fortunes Week Four 2013

Sorry gents, these are going to be pretty short for the next couple weeks...

The Snoodler vs. Gone in 30 Minutes
Who's better Jizz Rodgers or a one-legged Ray Rice? Who's better McFadden against Washington's barf-in-mouth defense or RG3 against Oakland's weakling team. No idea...but coin flip says I win.

Dirty D vs. The North
Ugh...Gabbert...Tannehill...Geno Smith...we're talking a premiere mashup. Larry pretty much takes this by default that he has at least one functioning quarterback. No contest, North dominates.

The Downs Burns vs. Breesus Christ Superstars
McCoy has been keeping Wayne's fantasy hopes healthy for the past while, but not so this week. Bryan's clear advantage at QB and reasonable matchups mean he slaps out a close one. Breesus Christ Superstars point to victory.

The Lonesome Kicker vs. The Chefs
It's strange how a bye week can mess with a team - in Ian's case, it's only two players, but I think it's enough to let Derek take a victory. Even against an atrocious Vikings, Rothlisberger will be on his back more than his victims. Plus Muscle Hamster will probably get the ball a whole lot more now that Freeman is butt-surfing the sidelines. The Chefs spell out a win.

Chewbacca DST vs. Ngata Chance
Colin is suddenly playing rookie-like after last year's meteoric rise and Schaub will be lucky to be alive after facing a dark-alley scary Seattle. And while Paul's other matchups are decent, Lindsay's are enough that the QB handicap hands him a win. Ngata squishes Chewbacca this week.

Fanciful Fantasy Fun Fortunes Week Three 2013

The Snoodler vs. Breesus Christ Superstars
It can't possibly be a good fantasy week when my main decision is whether to start Brady vs. EJ Manuel. No matter which decision I make there, I'm somehow haunted by the New York Jets, either past on Revis island or the surprising present incarnation. Actually, pretty much every match up my team has this week is not ideal while Bryan has a number of favorable games with his guys at home. Bryan walks away with one this week, and hangs the Snoodler out to dry.

The Chefs vs. Dirty D
This week Derek's A team plays his B team - but the twist of fate is that the Dennis is now the mentor and Derek the mentee. Perhaps this is the week Derek gets all Odysseus and returns home to kick all of us would-be suitors from his fantasy home. But perhaps not. I like Stafford and Muscle Hamster and Megatron this week, but I like Rodgers, Bush and even Colston more. It's an awkward one, but Dennis sneaks by.

Ngata Chance vs. The North
I nearly did a discount double-take when looking at Larry's roster. Is that really Geno Smith in the starting lineup instead of either Josh Freeman or Christian Ponder? If either of those quarterbacks actually knew their fantasy fate, dollars to donuts they would fly up to Canada and personally present a flaming bag of their own poop on Larry's doorstep. Other than this glaring indictment of those quarterbacks skills, the rest of Larry's group looks solid, say more solid than I feel about Rivers, Austin or even Fitzgerald. Larry stamps out Lindsay this week.

The Lonesome Kicker vs. Gone in 30 Minutes
The Lonesome Kicker has been roshamboing with no regrets the first two weeks, and who knows if that trail will stop at Ryan's doorstep. RG3's garbage time is the quintessential  fantasy mirage, and if he keeps it up, that production is going to dissipate pretty quickly when he ends up riding the bench in favor of Kirk Cousins. Ryan has the edge in receivers, but it's slight. And running back wise, I don't even know the first name of whoever Rodgers is, so that can't be good. Perhaps Ryan should just draft Jerius Norwood of the Toronto Argonauts (second greek reference - kind of) and we'll give him half points. Either way, Ian sprints past a stumbling Ryan.

Chewbacca DST vs. Downs Burns
Now that Paul has admitted his fantasy drafting failure, he's been free to completely re-draft a new team via free agency, and really who are we (especially me) to judge. Moreno and Burleson are significant upgrades who particularly for this week, play non-existent defenses. Plus the Chiefs already paid plenty of dividends on Thursday night. Neither Newton or Manning have looked compelling of late and Murray is almost as overhyped as David Wilson. I'm painting it like a blowout, but it won't be. Still, the newly regrouped Chewbacca Defense Force brings Downs Burns back to earth.

Fanciful Fantasy Fun Fortunes Week Two 2013

The Snoodler vs. The Lonesome Kicker
Like most of my life decisions, unrelenting trust issues fuel my fantasy drafting strategies. Case in point, I no longer trust Tom Brady to be dependably dominant - hence Matt Ryan is now the chained concubine at the foot of my fantasy sex throne (interpret that how you will). I'll go out on a limb and say an angry Falcons will make delicious kabobs out of the rams this weekend - that means Bad Sadford won't exactly light it up. In fact, pretty much all of Ian's players are better than mine, but they play better defenses this week, to my benefit. The Snoodler goes over the top and wins.

The Chefs vs. Ngata Chance
In a disturbing development, Derek's team squatted out a disappointing effort last week. In a week of plus-300 games, he barely vaulted 200. Is it a one-off or a possible year-long trend? Certainly Flacco and Martin should be better - but I have my doubts about Johnson, Jackson and Shorts. Ngata on the other hand, surprised us as much as Chip Kelly's offense - but I'm not positive that Vick or Cutler's inconsistency has gone away completely. This call is tougher than watching k-pop punk bands, but like a oil company lounge cocktail waitress with two kids, I'll take the rebound. The Chefs win and then eventually abandon me when my kids start calling him daddy.

Breesus Christ Superstars vs. Chewbacca DST
It's hard to admit this, but Tampa Bay has been reliably terrible since Jon Gruden decided to desecrate the use of the metaphor on nighttime football. Two things, Jon Gruden gets a half-boner every time he talks about Wilson, and Brees plays that terrible Tampa Bay team. On the other side, the whitest sounding non-white guy plays Seattle and Pryor plays Jacksonville - and who knows what the Oakland quarterback will do - we've barely seen him play....prior...to this. Another close game, but I think Bryan squeezes by on matchups. Breesus Christ takes custody of his child the only way he can, by going over the top.

Dirty D vs. Gone in 30 Minutes
Dennis should have won last week, but I rode off with it. Now he faces a resurgent Ryan led by, uh, David Wilson? A word of advice: David Wilson sucks. I drafted him last year and he also fumbled on his first carry. Meanwhile, Dennis knows what he's going to get out of Bush and so does Detroit. Factor in the fact that Rodgers will probably overtake a still rusty RG3, and the receivers being about even, and I say that Dennis squeaks by on this one. It might not make any sense, but Dirty D gets the victory.

The North vs. The Downs Burns
The Manning brothers face off in real life, but also in this fantasy matchup. I'm getting the sense that Peyton is going to punch every team he faces into the sky, which doesn't bode well for Wayne this week. Really, until it's proven otherwise, the rest of the fantasy matchups here don't matter - whether it's Larry's ancient tribe of WR or Wayne's dependence on a superman that's almost as bad as the recent movie (it sucked) - none of it really matters. I bet the North wins...let's see if he meets me half way (across the sky).

Fanciful Fantasy Fun Fortunes Week One 2013

The Snoodler vs. Dirty D
In what I can only assume is Martha Stewart level insider knowledge, Dennis goes all Carnac the Magnificent and picks some random TE out of the free agent dredges who turns out a 35-point game. On the other end of the spectrum, it’s clear to me that Eric Decker clearly took out Peyton Manning’s mother for a nice seafood dinner and never called her back – at least judging by him being the only guy on the entire team who did nothing with that 500-yard, 7 touchdown game. Though I’m trailing early and now have to rely on Darren McFadden for RB points, I think my quarterback tandem will be enough to surpass Dennis this week, but just barely. The Snoodler snoodles his way to victory.

The Lonesome Kicker vs. The Chewbacca Defence
When your parents name you Alfred, they are clearly pursuing one of two strategies: either they want to make you angry the rest of your life, or they are grooming you to wait on brooding, multimillionaire vigilantes. Looks like Morris is the former as that dude runs angry. I’m betting he runs pretty angry this weekend in a divisional game against a pretty suspect Eagles group. Speaking of suspect, Rothlisberger (get it...get it?) isn’t going to touch (get it?) his former fantasy glory; at least not with that turnstile offensive line. Also, Amendola is one strong breeze away from being blown off planet earth – he is literally so small and weak, gravity can’t even help him. The Chewbacca defence rips off the Lonesome Kicker’s arms.

Gone in 30 Minutes vs. The Chefs
Well Thursday was proof that it wasn’t just Tom Brady’s sterling smile and deft touch that led to Welker’s success. Ole rubber neck can also get him the ball pretty frequently which spells good things for this year. Likely this will be a close game, unless RG3 eats a hard tackle. In that case, my guess is he’ll fall apart faster than C3PO (second Star Wars reference if you’re counting). I’ll give the nod to Derek in that both of his running backs are playing defences that are weaker than your dad’s synth rock band. Jackson should benefit from a likely shoot-out and being healthy for one whole game, and the Muscle Hamster will probably run wild over a depleted Jets. The Chefs keytar solo their way to victory.

The Downs Burns vs. Ngata Chance
Nothing says confidence in your favourite team like not starting their defence. That said, it was a good choice on Lindsay’s part to not back his team. I’d be lying to say that I like either of Ngata Chance’s quarterbacks. I don’t. They suck. They were good once. But that was like three years ago. Aside from Lindsay drafting quarterbacks like he draws straight lines, Lynch and Jones-Drew are still dangerous – and probably no less a sure thing than Murray or McCoy. Normally, this would be a walk in the park for Wayne, but Cam Newton will be more Clark Kent than Superman on Sunday. This, despite all my better judgement, gives Lindsay a narrow win. Ngata chance gnaws Wayne’s naugahyde.

The North vs. Breesus Christ Superstars
Unless Drew Brees really transforms into Jesus and performs some kind of divine football miracle, Larry has already screwed Bryan like a Larry/Ryan pig-sex combo. Bryan will probably score a bunch of points too – Wilson, Charles, Brees etc. will probably all have great games, but it’s pretty much just getting tossed into the Peyton Manning void this week. I could keep writing things, but why bother. Who knew a Larry victory would put me into an existentialist funk? Larry goes all Derrida on Bryan’s Sartre this week.